Forward Motion| Life Update

I’m proud of me…

A Humble look back

As some of you know, I have been all sides of crazy, sad, anger, and depressed over the past few years! I’ve been alone, lost, cheated, and blamed. Knocked down, pushed around, laughed at, and completely forgotten. My health was bad, both mentally, and physically. I was living my life for others, not for me. Eventually, I stopped living for them too… I just wasn’t living.

Breathing took so much extra effort. I hated myself, and my situation. I wasn’t worth effort, care, love, compassion, or loyalty. I wasn’t getting this from anyone, so it was hard to give it. I was at rock bottom. I wasn’t feeling sad, or mad anymore. I was numb. I felt nothing at all, and that was the worst. When all feeling left my body.

Life wasn’t worth living, so everyday I thought I should just die. It was a scary feeling. I would cry and cry, until one day, I stop producing a single tear. I just was empty.

Those were the worst days of my life.

I didn’t get this way over night. It was a slow bleed. It was years of moving, from one state to another, a foreigner in my own home. They say, those that wander, aren’t always lost; but for some wanders, they are more than lost, they’re isolated, and alone. That was me.

Each month that would go by, I would lose a little more of myself. Until one day I was a stranger even to myself. I didn’t recognizes the girl in the mirror anymore. A broken, scarred body, dark circles under my eyes, sick, no purpose, useless, disgusting. My flame was put out. I had been broken into a million, shattered pieces.

It was March 2019. I had started thinking about driving my car off a cliff. I scare myself. I believed my kids would be fine, maybe even better off. I believed my husband hated me. I believed he was conspiring with his mother against me. I didn’t have any family…not really, that had anything good to say to me. I believed I was just in the way.

These dreadful thoughts, had me scared. I knew I needed to get some help. I was in deep, struggling to breathe! I couldn’t wait one more day for someone to recuse me. No one was coming. I had to save myself.

I have to tell you, this blog played a huge roll in my mental health improvement. I had/have a great community of caring people. I had so many messages coming in to show me love. My writing, being so dark would worried my blogging friends. If it wasn’t for these messages, encouraging me, and just simply checking in, I would have been lost.

One blogger specifically made sure that I knew I wasn’t alone. He turned me back to God, and changed my way of thinking. I’m so thankful for these check ups, the encouragement, that spiritual guidance. It truly saved my life. Without it, I would have never reached out to get professional help.

Not to mention, having Fabricthatmademe (wordpress.com), gave me a place to pour out everything that was locked up tight inside. Uninterrupted, no blaming, no judgement, just bleeding it all out on the keybroad!

April 2019, I started my deep drive. I got help! A team was built around me, to hold me up, keep me accountable, and moving forward. They helped me break it all down, and sift through years of pain, and disappointments. Going through piece by piece, feeling it all, ripping it all apart, and then building it back up.

It was hard. I got worse before I got better.

  • Being part of therapy. Joining webinars about coping skills, and gratitude.
  • Having a life coach, to guide me, giving to the tools to make a life that I’m proud of.
  • Speaking with a health coach to help me reach my full potential.
  • Good spiritual leadership, to bring me back to my faith, and remind me that I’m never alone.

It was an amazing team that circled around me! They got me back on my feet.

Things Are looking up!

Live the life you deserve too!

I have always been a Plan A and Plan B person. I plan on being self reliant, have a career of my own, make my own money, save money for the future! Contribute to the household; as the caretaker of all of us, clean, cook, and provide financially as well. This is plan A.

I have to do all that, just incase Plan B happens. What if I need to be the bread winner of our household? What if I have to raise our kids myself? What if….what if….???

Living this way does some good things, and some not so good things for me. For one, being self-sufficient isn’t a bad thing, but it can case one to never ask for help, and makes me a bad team player. I start to think in terms of “I” and not “we”. The good part is, I’ve become strong mentally, I can push through, and overcome hard things. I’m adaptable to what comes my way.

Over the last 4 years, I have really been able to tailor my Plan A/Plan B approach. I now have a grip on my own purpose in life, verses giving my identity away to grow others. I know how to be part of a family, a team and be flexible. I can do this without losing myself in the process. That’s so important!

I’ve discover things that I enjoy, and I’ve really focused my energy there. Reading, writing, cooking, baking, my health! Now, I am a better wife, and mother, because I know, I’m more than those two things. Those titles are important, but it’s not all there is to me.

I’m not just a mom, I am Tristan and Gigi’s mom, and that changes everything for me. No one else gets to be that! It’s all mine! I’m not just a wife, I’m the wife of the best man around, my best friend. I’m not just a daughter, or sister…I’ve been molded, have experience, joys, and fears. I can look back on my past, and smile now.

Most importantly, I’m a daughter to The King. God lights my path. Just this simple fact alone has set me free! I’m a great friend, a writer, a dancer, a comedian, a listener, a coffee lover….and soon to be margarita enthusiast!

I like myself, I take care of myself. Doing this allows me to give more of myself with compassion, and joy. My outlook on life, isn’t that things are unfair, but that God is for me, and will always make a way. Everyday, I’m grateful for the life He had give me.

Just being humbly grateful for the lessons, the struggles, and the many the blessings has made me who I am today. I wake up different, interacting with the world differently! I’m looking forward to what the day brings, and I stopped allowing things to just simply happen to me. I have some control over my life. I chose my direct, with lots of prayer, and guidance from above, I walk differently.

Every now and then, I look up, and say, “I know that was You, thanks.”

All the bumpy roads, dark hold, brick walls, tear stained faces, and crazy mazes… lead me to this very day. Encouraged, hopeful, energetic, and enjoying life thoroughly! I’m so beyond grateful!

We grew up in Colorado, in a comfort zone that was beating us down, and we didn’t even know it. We moved to North Dakota, and Minnesota, made friends that are like family to me now. I did a lot of self reflection there. Next was California, were I lost it all… almost my life! Forgot why I was living, who I was, and where I was going. But it’s also is where I got help, and started working on the past and looking toward the future. Then came New Jersey, it was a place of healing, reintroducing myself to my family, my husband, and even to myself. It was were I put to action everything that I’d learned over the years.

Now Texas, my home. This place is where it all come together. The hard work, the letting go of what was not mine to carry, and picking up the things that I had forgotten about. This is where relationships grow stronger, my health improves, my faith strengthens, and my family thrives.

The best is yet to come, I’m sure. This is just a small taste of the joy that awaits me and mine!

I can’t wait to make a house, a home!

Currently, we’re living in temporary housing. It’s a nice place, with lots of kids for my kids to play with, it’s safe, and beautiful! But it’s not home. We plan to close on our new home the first part of March. This will be our home….forever!

I know my husband cringes, when I say that I’m not moving again. But the truth is WE, really aren’t moving again. I won’t do it. I love it here to much. My kids are so happy here, and they are able to live a somewhat normal life. Which says a lot right now.

I’m so excited for our new home. It’s a beautiful place, and it’s ours. I feel super blessed to be in this place, right now. Our family will have ample space for themselves, along with a great place for us all to be together. It’s stunning! I’m serious so happy. So thankful!

I’m not only happy about our home, I’m super excited about my health! Mentally, I’m beyond good, but physically, I’ve been through it. So it brings me to happy tears, to know that all the mistakes are about to get made right! Weight loss is happening, bad hysterectomy is being fixed, migraine… appointment is made for this coming week! I’m ready!

With my mental health looking up, my physical health improving, relationships are healthy, and in good shape, I have nothing to complain about! I’m one happy camper!

sk

9 thoughts on “Forward Motion| Life Update

  1. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. 🙂 I’ve been working on stuff too.

    I’m watching “UJ” basketball right now; I haven’t watched a sporting event in 11 months, because of COVID, and because not having fans at games takes all the fun out of it, and because I got tired of sports being all about politics. I watch a game to unwind and have fun, not to be lectured about white privilege and racism by a bunch of guys who have more money than I’ll ever see. (Also, the rule changes for Major League Baseball in 2020 ruined the game, and I’ve suspected for decades that the NBA is rigged, and I have no interest in watching last year’s champions vs. Tom Brady this weekend, but none of that affects my feelings about college basketball tonight.) I decided to give this a try tonight because I need to stop digging in my heels and being angry about things I can’t change, and I need to focus on what I can do instead of everything I’ve lost in the last year. So I’m maybe going to start following some sports again, and if I don’t like it or if they’re still being obnoxiously political, then I’ll stop.

    And UJ is losing and I’m not even getting too upset about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you are finding ways to unwind, relax, and just enjoy yourself!
      I’m with ya on the politics and sports. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about who they are…just like I shouldn’t be made to feel bad I am who I am. I just want to watch the dang game!
      I love football, which is why it broke my heart to not watch anymore. I’m a huge Denver Broncos fan. I still love them, but all the kneeling, political junk messed it up for me.
      It use to be a great time with friends, and family, relaxing, coming to together, and celebrating. Now it’s just trash.
      I am watching the super bowl a little…I’m disappoint in the messages, but I am glad to see people in the stands, being happy, and living life. It’s been too long!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly… everything is so political, and I’m tired of it. I thought I was doing better, but three things came up this weekend that were kind of frustrating… one of them was due to me not minding my own business, and I probably should have just walked away… but I didn’t lose my cool at all, so I guess that’s progress.

        I’ll tell my favorite of the three stories. One of my friends invited people to lunch, to a ramen place near her house. I don’t particularly care for ramen restaurants, I prefer my meal not sitting in a bowl of hot water, but I went because I wanted to be with people and get out of the house. Dining is still outdoor only, and a lot of people in this group of friends aren’t very careful about virus-related precautions, so my plan was to sit at a table off to the distance a little, to be safe. So I got to the restaurant. The men’s room had a sign that said “Out of order, use other restroom.” The ladies’ room (legally here they have to be gender neutral restrooms, but they never changed the signs, apparently) also had a sign that said “Out of order.” When I went to sit by myself, the guy who worked there said that I couldn’t sit there. I think he said he needed to keep the other tables free for other customers; I couldn’t tell, his English wasn’t great. So apparently it’s ok to sit unsafely in close proximity with all those people who don’t live together, but not to sit safely by myself. I grabbed a chair and sat without a table a little ways off from my friends. Another table sat down about five minutes after us, and they got served first. And when we finally did get served, I overheard the other person working there say that they didn’t serve water, you had to buy bottled water. At that point I got up and left and said happy birthday to my friend and goodbye to everyone. But I didn’t make a big scene, so that’s an improvement.

        I sat in the car for a while Then about 15 minutes later, I went and got a burger from the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box down the street. I came back to the restaurant where my friends were, got the lawn chair out of my trunk that has been in there for months for some reason, and sat right outside the restaurant with my burger, in full view of the people who work there. Yeah, that was a little petty, but I protested calmly and peacefully, and I still got some time with my friends.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I got a laugh out of that one! I’m sorry it was so difficult for you to get out, but that’s how life is currently.
        Your story made me think of my Dad right away. He is not an Asian food fan of any kind. I however love it!
        One time he was visiting my sister, I believe in Washington State. They let my Mom pick the restaurant, which is never a good idea. I heard it was an over priced sloppy mess. My sister knows her food and she wasn’t too impressed.
        Either way, my Dad was super grossed out, and couldn’t even get a glass of water to choke his food down. When the waiters came over after ignoring them for over 30 minutes, to ask how the food was…Yikes…My Dad told the poor guy, that Panda Express S**Ts on this!
        Only my good old dad.
        Everyone was super embarrassed. But we look back and laugh now. Man…I wish I would have been there to see it! LOL!!
        I have some family that’s really nervous about getting out, or meeting up. I totally respect that.
        However, I think if they are super scared, or worried about others… they need to stay in, until they feel safe.
        I understand how they might feel, and it’s their job to protect themselves. After all both my kids are in school and around lots of other kids. I can see how that might make someone nervous about getting sick.
        But I am not worried at all. I am very clean, I clean my kids, and their things that travel back and forth with them. We wear our mask, and use hand sanitizer like crazy! That’s the best we can do. After a year of being locked down, in the wood…I’m done not living my life. I am moving on weather the rest of the world wants to join me or not.
        I hope you do stay safe, and of course, do what you feel is right for you! I totally support that! Nothing last forever…even this lock down!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Glad you enjoyed the story… and that’s funny about your dad. 🙂 About being locked down vs. wanting to live my life again, I have a lot of thoughts that sometimes seemingly conflict with each other… I’m just hanging in there and doing what I can…

        Liked by 1 person

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