Panic Attack

Why am I having trouble right now? I hate the way my body feels and looks! It’s making things near impossible for me to take care of hundreds of things that I have my plate right now.

I’m hot. What I mean by that is, I’m dying of heat stroke! Every since my hysterectomy my hormones are whacked out! Nothing seems to work to get them on “the right track”.

My weight is out of control! I have done every workout, weight loss program in site! I’m working with a Nutritionist and starting a weight loss program through my insurance company. It’s called Omada. But the fat suit hasn’t budged!

I know what to eat and how to eat. I workout, do yoga, meditation and still I am beyond uncomfortable in my body! It’s so frustrating!

I cannot regulate my body temperature at all. I have a terrible headache multiple times a week! My feet ache and that pain shoots up my legs. My chest and back burn from the inside out! Not to mention my bladder is being a real bitch!

You see, being active and motivated is not the problem for me. I’m not an emotional eater. I enjoy the outdoors and want to going on long walks, hike and even lift weights but this body is holding me back.

Plain and simple this body does not match the way I feel inside. Not at all.

Now that we are hitting the road again, I need to get with it! Snap out of this painful funk and get going! However, my body is fighting against me.

Anything and everything that I do, I’ll start over heating. I don’t mean that I’m winded or just a little warmer. No, I am dripping with sweat. I’m on fire! My face goes white but my cheeks are fire red. Nothing is comfortable anymore. I’m burning up!

This happens anytime that I move my body. I’m trying to deal with stressful emails or phone calls… I’m on fire!

I’m cleaning the house and picking up after these sloppy children! I’m on fire.

Cooking dinner, putting away things… I’m. On. Fire!

This is beyond inconvenient! Currently, I need to be on the move all hours of the day, preparing for this move but I’m struggling.

Here’s where all this life stuff combines with my annoying body and I lose it.

My panic attacks…

I start to get even hotter. My hearing and vision goes in and out and my body becomes tingly. It becomes very difficult to control my breathing. Next thing you know, I’m throwing up and then passing out.

Let me not forget the tears. Yes, I’m so frustrated and feel so overwhelmingly hot that I burst into a very ugly cry.

This is not the time for this. I can’t deal with a jacked up body and nasty uncontrollable hormones. I have to coordinate a huge more! I’m required to not suck right now.

What would help me?

Getting my surgery before I leave this state. Having a plan in place for all the many things that are going on around me. I feel scattered.

Keeping this house as clean and organized as possible. That’s going to take everyone, I live with. Clean up after yourself! We don’t have time or room for anyone’s lazy clutter.

I need everyone to be patient and flexible. I can’t do guilt or demands from anyone. I need people to understand that I’m doing my best and I’m at the mercy of Jason’s company.

Please! For the love of God… I need my family to start being a little… a lot more self motivated, discipline, and independent! Find some coping skills!

I’m only one person! A broken, over heated person at that! I need everyone to be much better at being self motivated and good stewards for each other.

It won’t be hard to take better care of this house and each other if everyone is doing it. We need to be better so I can be better.

Moves are hard no matter what. But they are extremely exhausting, frustrating, difficult and scary when you’re a broken messy person…me


15 thoughts on “Panic Attack

  1. You’re not broken love! You’re superwoman who’s transitioning into another chapter of life. It’s not unreasonable to ask that your family do a bit more without your interference. You have put love, sweat, and tears into your life… and the people in it. Now is a time when it’s important to take care of you. I hope you gift this need to yourself and you push for other changes that do make it possible for you to continue self care. Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a sweet and much need comment. Yes, I am trying to be better about allowing myself survival days without feeling like a failure. On those days, I read, write, take a bath and go on a few short walks. I don’t get much done on those days but my soul is calm and right now that’s important! Thank you again for your encouragement and supportive comments. I needed this!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re most welcome 🙏🏼❤️ I know we’ve all experienced this recently. The struggle is real but we’re in this together!


      1. Things are tough for everyone right now but it’s harder for some more than others. I hear ya on the bad news. Seem like it’s everywhere I look. I can’t get away from it. I stopped watching the news, got rid of facebook and am currently avoiding anything political! My counselor told me to try and reframe my thoughts and to create a gratitude list or journal every night before I go to bed. I just start monday and honestly it has helped. Try it…it’s kind of like fake till ya make it. Good luck to you and I hope “good news” comes for us all!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I hate that phrase, fake it till you make it… mostly because it was first said to me by some of the most fake assholes I ever had the misfortune to come across. But I think you’re right about the concept of just having to put one foot in front of the other sometimes.

        And it hasn’t gotten any better. I have a bunch more meaningless BS I have to do for work, and my state just went on curfew.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I get it! When I was first told to try “the fake till I make it” thing, it was from a leader from my old church. I was struggling with a family member of my husband’s and I thought they were dangerous honestly. I had trouble praying for them at all. She basically wanted me to go through the motions until I started to mean it. It sounds terrible to fake pray for someone but that’s what I did, until one day it became easier to mean what I was saying. I do that now with lots of things I don’t want to do or just feel odd to me…like exercise or yard work. I just go through the motions, I’m not really giving it my all at first but after a few weeks it becomes more natural and I like it, or at least start to enjoy it.
        I’m sorry your state is doing that. I’m in a weird state myself at the moment and things are getting a little tense. I wish things would go back to normal, no mask, I could live my life without worrying that I was offending someone or breaking a new state regulation. Mental health in the US is going down the shitter! We already have enough stress just being…we don’t need these extra things crushing us. It’s hard to enjoy being alive when we are under so much pressure all the time. We’re missing out on the good stuff.
        Good luck with work. I really hope things get better for you. Keep your head up, things have to turn around. I know it’s hard. I’m right there with ya!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yes. Exactly. I don’t have a better answer, though, given that there actually is a very contagious virus out there. And now some of the things I look forward to every year that didn’t happen in 2020 are already being canceled for 2021… :\


      5. Hold on to hope. Keep your faith intact! God knows all and His plans are for good. It may not feel like many days the plans are very good at all but no one said life would be fair or even easy – I know you know that. There’s always something to be thankful for even if it’s just a memory that brought you joy. I’ll be praying for you.

        Liked by 1 person

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