I’m in one of those season of life. You all know what I’m talking about…
I’ve had moments in my life, when I feel really great about myself. Health is thriving. Family is awesome. Work is productive. Relationships are going great! When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I felt accomplished and complete. I’ve been proud of me inside and out before.
However, right now I am in a weird season with myself. I feel so blessed and so happy with my family, my marriage is the best it has been in along time! I love our little forest home and I am so overjoyed to make this state my home! My relationships are close and happy ones. Plus, I’ve been feeling crazy productive, with a good direction. I’m so happy with just about every area of my life but one…
When I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. I feel so gross, so ugly… so not myself. I see the past 4 years of physical and mental strain placed upon me. I see overwhelming stress and anxiety. I see loneliness, anguish, depression, so many mistakes and many past hurts. I hate to look at the image in the mirror because I don’t recognize that girl.
That weird, odds shaped body, the short, damaged hair, the broken and uncomfortable looking girl that I see, doesn’t reflect my life currently. The image that stares back at me is not me on the inside. I just hate what I see and what it causes me to remember.
I feel completely uncomfortable wearing this body, as if these aren’t my arms, legs and this isn’t my face. It’s like the last 4 years of torture and disappointments have seriously added up and marked it’s permanent stamp on me. My past is written all over my body.
The weight and heaviness of the last 4 years has physically attached itself to my bones. Dragging along, slowing me down…a constant reminder of all things that I’ve been through. The heaviness and weight that has broken me emotional and fractured my mind and spirit over the last 4 years is resting it’s load, it’s terrible burdens on me. It’s gravity only becoming more prevalent with every week that goes by.
I’m proud to say that much of the distress from my past has been overcome. My mind is well, my spirit is strong and ever faithful. I have the ability to feel and create joy and love in my life. I know how to have fun again and to be able to really laugh. I truly have conquered the demons that have haunted me for so much of my life but especially the last few years. I have won in so many ways. I feel so good inside.
It’s no secret that I’ve been working close with a counselor and life coach for about a year and half. It was a year in April 2020. How far I’ve come in that time! I’ve done so much work on me and this brain of mine! The deep dive into my past, my relationships, my failures and flaws. Remembering all the good things and people in my life. The good and warm memories in the attic of my mind, that’s been boxed up, behind a very tall brick wall; I was able to open it up and make room for all of it! All the good things about me, my life back then and right up to this very day.
I see the world through different eyes because of my mind-bending, uphill battle to understand it all. I’ve put to bed the regrets, the losses and past trauma. I’ve dealt with my abandonment, doubts and not living up to others expectations. Over time I have learned how to be forgiving, protect myself and create healthy boundaries that I feel so strongly about. I have been empowered and I DO feel worthy now.
I love my life totally and completely but one thing is literally hanging off my body and reminding me of how the past years have taken such a massive toll on me. All the surgeries and scars have left behind their nasty mark all over my once smooth skin. What those surgeries have done to my body… What all the medicine has done… what I’m dealing with now because of all of it…I hate it. The sadness lingers on my body and on my face, no matter what I do.
I see it everyday…reminding me of the past…the pain…the hurt…the disappointment and all of the years of depression and pressure that I’ve worked so hard to overcome. I see it all in mirror everyday. I hate it. The Bells Palsey that has distorted my face. The lightning, electric pain that shoots from behind my ear, into my jaw bone and causes ringing in my ear.
My eye once a bright green, wide open hazel swirl, the brilliant, shimmering window of my soul… now drops, closing up and twitches with pain, causing the symmetry and evenness of face to contort and mold into a person so unfamiliar. My window to the world, so eager to observe and examine, to explore the world around me…it’s fogged up, broken, jammed.
Years and years of doctors and specialist, notebooks and journals full of everything from food and drink intakes, pain and medications. So many notebooks of all my symptoms and causes…what was making me these things come on so strong? Here I was proving my case, examining this foreign body of mine day after day, for years.
Doctor’s plans and prescriptions all written down over and over. The eliminations diet, the FODMAP diet, staying away from gluten. Different operations, procedures, exercises, meditations, stretches, walking, running, medications, suppletment, vitamins… I did and still do everything that was ever asked of me. Counseling, Nurturtonist, Gastrologist, Neurologist, Endocrinologist, Braictic, Physical Therapy, Female specialist/Obgyn…I do whatever they have told me to do. But here I am still…this stranger.
It has only been the last 8 months or so that I have been off all my meds. Not even taking anything for my migraine/seizures. Just a small recuse pill…just in case it’s more than I can stand. I feel very proud of where I am right now! I can think clearly for once, not clouded with side effects anymore. It’s as if my ability to feel again is a volume knob and I’m turned up to just the right level. I love that I can laugh until my face and belly hurt. It’s been so long. I love this freshness and new zest for life! However, my physical body cannot keep up with the joy inside.
There is always this one thing hanging over my head…staring me right in the face. My long dark hair…gone. My hips and waist…missing. My face is now rounded and uneven. I’m nothing that I recognize. I don’t know this person and miss the person I use to see looking back at me. I miss the ease of moving my body.
I know physical looks aren’t everything and I don’t care what anyone thinks when they look at me (other than my husband). I only care about how I feel when I look in the mirror and I hate what I see.
I try to be thankful and grateful for a working body. Even if I feel pain or discomfort at times, I am thankful for a body that is flexible and can move and see and feel, even if it’s not as easy as it should be for me. I am so thankful for that. Still I am carrying such a weight.
It’s a weight that I see in my reflection but not just that… I also feel it with every move that I make. No, it more than that. I feel it deep deep inside, right to my bones. My reflection summons up my past and I want to be done with all that!
Have any of you ever had a time, a moment in life where you just aren’t feelin’ yourself at all? I’m there right now.
I am doing awesome in every area of life but one. This one area is overwhelming to me. I want to feel confident and comfortable. I want to love my body like I love every other area of my life. I want and need what has gone missing.
I am not giving up. I will find that healthier, thinner, pretty girl again. The one I remember before the weight of the world came crashing down on me. I will uncover and peel away the damage and debris of the past years. I will be find my body again and partner it with my joyful spirit. The women that I want to be will be again… someday.