It’s clear to some and maybe a total a surprise to others that the last month…perhaps the last 3 months have been particularly difficult for me. My soul is battling.
I brave a smile and full on depression hasn’t taken hold yet. I fight it with every breath I take. It’s like a monster that lingers under my bed. A vampire in the shadows that follows me, waiting for a weak moment to makes its move and drain me of my life force. The boogeyman of depression is a constant threat to me and I know it. It waits at my door.
It’s good that I am aware of it’s evil and ever near presents in my life. Keeps me on toes and ready to fight but it’s exhausting. This type of fight, the one that gets no rest…makes one beyond tired.
Not many people get the war that I’m in and I’m glad for that because it’s a dark, sinking place to be in. What it’s like to have to protect myself from such a threat, day in and day out, even in my dreams… To force happy thoughts or believe in hope, when I have none some days. I’m sure to some I can seem to be a complete basketcase, absolutely mental, an over-emotional cry baby, so ungrateful. I know what people must think of me. But they have no clue the cage that I pace circles in.
I’ve been on high alert for the last two weeks. My counselor that I speak to once a week now has decided she needs some back. I understand her concern after all I have though same concerns myself. I’m now getting text messages asking how I’m feeling randomly throughout the day and tips how to maintain positivity just to get through the week. I’m getting more “homework” then I was before…I guess in away this is all good but I can’t help but feel like I have taken a giant leap backwards.
I have two counseling/ life coaching appointments this weeks as well and I’m thankful I did. I knew I slipping but I didn’t want to show it. My homework was to take 10 minutes to sit outside and think about things I am great about…particularly when it comes to living here in this home, since I feel so “homeless”, “unrooted”, and “unsure”… of everything.
What was suppose to be a few words, turned into a 4 page, roaring outcry of emotion, feelings, questions and even hope.
What is this life of mine? What the hell am doing? I wonder this offen. Why am I this sad, uncontent person? I have things to be happy about and thankful for, so why do I feel like this? What is wrong with me? Am I the only one who ever feels like this? Do other people ever look at their life and see so much beauty and love and yet feel so tortured still? Am I broken?
Here’s what I wrote today and what happened after my counseling appointment this morning.
Sitting outside this morning I was to reflect and have some time to myself, Doc’s orders. I tired to think about this place, where I live now and what I like about it. The truth is, I’m grateful for all of it, even if I’m lonely, isolated and my body is betraying me. I completely understand not everyone can own a home on 4 1/2 acres, in any area, let alone in the Pine Barrens of NJ. It was a miracle we were able to save up enough money as we did, in such a short amount of time and I’m so proud of that work and effort because it wasn’t easy. We don’t live in a house that is up to our standards of living (Our Colorado home) and truth is we most likely never will as long as we follow this “Jason’s Company” road but I can say I am glad we don’t have a Landlord anymore. As I sit outside, I wonder why I’m so uncontent with my life? I miss the view of sky. I have so many trees and I believed they would make me happy. Remind me of my “home” (Colorado) but now I can’t see the sky and I miss it. I wish often we could go back and be patience with our decisions, like we were in Colorado. Have time to think things through even when it was hard and we thought we’d never get out of our tough times…we had time to think about of next move. That time is gone now. We are also pushed, hurried into a decision and we do our best even if it isn’t the right choice. I don’t like that. Even with our extra time, which we needed so badly this time around to find a home and it was approved… we only had banked owned homes to see and our choices were limited…everything is always limited. It was overwhelming, hurried, and we settled with what we had shown to us. I think we might have made a different choice if we weren’t so pushed and running out of time. I always feel pushed, limited and stuck. Year after year, it’s the same thing, we do it all over again and it makes you weary and tired. But in our limited choices, I cannot say we made the best choice or not, I simply don’t know. Only time will tell. We are far in over our heads I do believe and that stresses me out. A regret I will have, I guess. It wears on me mental to know this is always how it will be forever as long as “Jason’s Company” owns us, makes our choices, tells us when and where to go. What I like about this home is the deer that I see almost daily. How free they are to come and go as they please. I’m glad my kids have bedrooms they like and can make them their rooms their own. We’re in a beautiful area here, in a small town but due to the shut-down here in NJ, it’s made it hard to get invested, get out there and see it all, be apart of anything. It’s hard to make this place feel like ours, a home during a pandemic. I’m not sure I agree with the handling of this State and it makes me anxious, scared and even sick at times but I’m here now and have no choice but to deal with it. I feel hopeful that the Schools and Teachers are good in our area. Fall sports haven’t been canceled and G will have that still. Maybe churches will be able to open soon again too? I hope to meet people and some opportunities will open up for me through my kids activities. I can only pray this freedom isn’t taken away from us too. I’m thankful for my kids, even my husband, though he doesn’t understand my position at all but I do think he wants to. I am still thankful for him. He does want me to be happy but not at the expense of his career. These things clash often. I don’t understand it myself. This leaves me feeling ungrateful at times, frustrated, and very unsure of myself. What is it I want? I think I need to do some deep thinking about this. If I can’t know what happiness looks like for me, then how will he know? If I don’t trust myself than how can anyone? I’m hopeful September will be better. Many things to come, hopefully good. School will start, even if only half days and in limited amounts. Something is better than nothing. Fall sports for G will be good and friendship hopefully to be made. My phy. Therapy and solving some mysteries going on in my body. Churches may open in some capacity, I hope. I can only pray this leads to relationships, friendship, making a home, freedom, roots, breathing a different type of air. Being able to find the answer to these questions and putting them to rest. I hope.
I read these words to my Counselor and she thanked me for sharing and being so open. The day before I had not been. I had trouble forming a sentence so yes, this was better.
What we conclude was the word HOPE. It’s true, I am hopefully and wrote the word hopefully many times because I am. It’s all I have some days. I hold on the hope and so we focused on that for a bit and spoke about it.
Then it came to what holds me back. She describes me a Loin in a cage. I do feel like way. I’ve made my own choices before and now I don’t. I know the taste of freedom, coming and going, knowing the comforts of a place that I’m well familiar with. Having dinner with friends and family, meeting up for a quick happy hour or planning a BBQ! Earning a pay at a place you worked hard to get a position at! Decorating a home and making it your own, planting a garden, a patio that’s your morning coffee place. Watching your kids play in a yard or ride bikes with their friends, I know that feeling. I miss it… I miss it so badly that it consumes.
A Lion that once was wild and then was captured and trapped. After years of this, the Lion changes. She became sad, depressed and misses her home. Her body and mind changes from the stress of her new life, from the sadness she feels remembering what it use to be. She distracts herself by taking care of her family but that never relieve her from her deepest pain because her nature is to be free and thrive. Even once the bars are removed the Lion doesn’t leave because her mind and soul have been so changed, so paralyzed, she is now in a mental cage. Now the Lion paces back and forth in her mental prison that she’ll never escape, searching for her freedom, to be wild once again.
The work I am suppose to do this week is to make a space for myself on our small patio. Buy some plants and do what I would normally do if I were in Colorado, back at “home”. I am supposed to include my daughter in this to show her how to make a special place for herself. A place to reflect, to journal, to get back to Earth and to pray.
When I was ask what would stop me from doing this? I answered back that, mentally I would stop myself. I just don’t “think” like I use too. I don’t do anything like I once did. I’m a shadow of who a was. Jason might stop me because financial, money is always easier to spend when he is the one spending it. And we always have other things to do that have nothing to do with me but somehow I get dragged into it…all the time. Then the guilt gets put on me. Jason is good at guilt… even his mom would say, she taught him well and that she sure did!
Next thing you know, the plans I have to take the day to do A…B and whatever, is now picking ticks and mites off my body because he wants to cut trees down and pile them and other trash around our house. It takes all day to do 2 trees in this forest. I end up with a lifetime of scars from this bugs.
The easy stuff like mowing, picking up trash and debris and weed wacking, he won’t spend the weekend doing that with Tristan? Leave the big boy stuff the the professionals. This is getting frustrating.
Lost…in someone else’s plans…someone else’s life. This Lion is hopefully and that all I have today is hope.