Enough Is Enough
This is a hard one to write. I have been thinking about this for several weeks now and like with all my difficult moments in life, I just have to put them to the keyboard.
As I have written about many times before over the last few years, I have been separated from my family physical, emotional and mental for several years. I’ve gotten rid of many of those past blogs at their quest. It was hard to do because I poured my heart out in those blogs. Now, without going into a ton of detail, I’ll say it’s been an uphill battle for me to trust again, to make peace with any of my family. But when it comes to my sisters it’s different, is draining, deceitful. I read a quote the other day that was very fitting.
Do I want to try and reach out? Patch up a “fake” relationship with anyone who clearly has a history of being careless and holds our whole family hostage? I believe this controlling, manipulating behavior is classic narcissism! I wish I could go into more detail but I simply can not at this point. (My sister has a friend who feeds her BS and gets her upset on purpose. Good friend, I know! )
My sister won’t have a conversation with me to move forward in any healing at all. She’s calling my friends behind my back and talking to them but not to me? I don’t get it?
I only to wanted to help my other younger sister in a tough time in her life and somehow that changed the course of the our relationship forever?
Honestly, Walking that journey with my younger sister really bit me in the ass too, because that sister ( younger sister) couldn’t careless about anyone but her own best interest. She didn’t show any care, concern or loyalty for me or my immediate family. I was right by her side through it all, for 3 years. I answered every call, text, paid her childcare, whatever she needed to the very best of my abilities but it doesn’t matter to her now that life is looking up for her. People are funny that way.
Between both my sisters I’m hurt. I’ve tried really hard to be as remiss and flippant as they are both about relationships, life and being together but it’s hard for me.
All this has lead me to one conclusion.
I can NOT do this anymore.
I’m not meant to be part of either one of their lives and they can have each other. At least not the way I have been. They deserve good and happy lives. I want nothing but the very best for both of them! They both have the greatest, most awesome and amazing children and I pray to God that He will cover them in His Protection and Love all their days. I want them all to have great and amazing lives.
However, trying to be part of their lives, waiting on them, is painful and draining to my life. It’s one sided, fake and mean most the time. I can’t with them any longer. A text here and there. Facebook, sure. I’m there. I’ll send you a Christmas card and support all the kids things but that’s all I can give. That’s possible more than I should! That’s still more than either one of them would ever do for me in all their lives put together.
I’m not sure why I care about things so deeply and have family members who don’t? Who don’t even “really” try? I guess that’s just how I was made. Well, until today. In a way it feels like a death because I said I would never do this. I would never walk away or close a door on anyone and here I am closing the door in a way. I not gone but I am.
I just can’t keep moving through life the way I have been. They got what they needed from me and they’re now thriving! Truthly, I am only going to get better if I stop feeding them.