I have been going through… a lot.
I sat here in the dark and stared at this blank screen for an hour and that’s all I could do. I’ve been awake since 1am, now it’s 4am, I can’t seem to sleep. Sleep doesn’t happen too often. I think far too much and turning my brain off is difficult. Why? Because…Yes, I’m going through…a lot. I feel a million different ways for the first time in a very long time, I’m pretty confident my “feelings” came hundred percent from a calm, collected mind. But I can’t turn my brain off.
– A Peaceful Mindful Set
There’s a process of peace that I’ll be working on for the rest of my life. I’ll never be done. Never find the X on the map. Everyday that I wake up I talk myself into it and make myself believe it. I tell myself that God doesn’t make mistake and I sure the heck wasn’t a mistake either. I’m forgiven and loved, even if I don’t feel it at times. It’s true. I’m not alone. Even if I feel like I am somedays.
Sure, it sounds cheesy and not like me at all but I do it. I say this to myself everyday and some days I have to say it a hundred times in a day. Knowing that I will make mistakes but am not one, has been difficult for my mind to grasp but I do get it. I also get that this battle is part of my EVERY-day life and although I see the light in my struggles now, I will still have my dark days and that’s okay.
The picture above I found on Pinterest many years ago. It gave me a really good feeling and at one point I actually printed it, cut it out and put it on my vision board. Yesterday, I walked into my vision board.
We looked a few houses and one in particular reminded me of this picture. It was as it the picture was alive. I felt so good in that house. Seeing the kids run through the house and then looking at me and saying, “YES MOM! This is the one, I love it!!” It all felt really good.
Sure, the house had some things that were tricky. Small rooms, weird placements of bathrooms (with kids especially) odd shaped laundry room and no garage or outdoor storage at all, for a higher price than we planned. All things we, the adults have to think about. But it also had a lake for the backyard and it’s own dock, that you could fish off, everything was brand new inside, hardwood floors, it was away from people, in the forest, had two wood burning fireplaces and two beautiful decks. The kitchen was everything that I could have ever wanted! We have to think about that too… A dock we can fish off of right there! Our house would be our vacation spot. Peace.
Thinking of my vision board and then walking through this house, it was hard not to feel like we were in a story book, a fairy tale. What would writing be like from the back deck in morning? Glazing at the reflection of the Dogwood flowers, Pine and Oak trees in the water below me. Drinking our coffee together in the early morning as the mist rolls cross the lake water and covers the ground. I can still smell the sweetness of the leaves and feels the twigs cracking under my shoes. I did feel like I was home but it was too unbelievable…it wasn’t my home… but if it was, our morning coffee would never be the same again.
I’m capable of more than people know.
It’s true that pretty much everyone underestimate me. I do it to myself too! But everyone one does it to me and I know it! Then I aborse it and let it breed inside me and grow, until it takes over. It’s the curse of being an Empath. Being sensitive to what people feel, weather they admit it or not. Then I take on those feelings as my own, unknowingly, most the time. It’s gross.
So why am I around so many people that seemly dislike me or have “bad” feelings towards me, if it makes me feel bad also?
I will never ever fit in anywhere or with any specific type of group. I’m not that type of person. I’m only now, at damn near 40, figuring out that there’s not really a “type” I’d like to be. Maybe this is a good thing. I’m different and plenty of people are scared and freaked out by “different”. People try hard to shut-down different, make anyone that’s different more like everyone else. But I’ll never be like anyone else. Thank God!
Being the person that I am means, I accept things and people on repeat- for a really long time. I’m loyal, to probably a fault. I listen, notice, observe and am aware of what surrounds me, usually. Even if it’s bad for me, I want to save it, make it better. I have a habit of sacrificing myself for “the greater good”. It’s annoying really.
I get told often that I’m too “sensitive” but actual the correct way to say that would be, I’m empathic and responsive to people and my environment. I know what going on behind the scenes and can read between the lines. This causes me to hold on to vibes that aren’t mine. I just care too much. I’m not being whiny here… I really do.
Back to the question at hand. Why am I around so many people that seemly dislike me or have “bad” feelings towards me, if it makes me feel bad also?
Well, I think it’s because every person on the face of the planet has had not so great feelings sometimes. We all go through tough things and get our feeling hurt and plain get pissed at one another. Sometime we aren’t the best at navigating those feelings. I truly believe that not everything that I feeling or absorb from others has anything to do with me, people just gravitate to me with their stuff. I’m not always good with how I process and let going of all these “emotions” that get trapped inside me.
The only time I have had to remove myself from someone’s life is when it truly has become unhealthy for me, mentally, emotional or even physically or really unhealthy habit need to be broken. I alway hope that some healing will happen and I pray for it, while keeping safe boundaries. That’s the best I can do.
I’ve never seen life from these eyes before. It’s different
I’m on my second week of counseling/ self-coaching and I’m so incredibly thankful for everything I get from that time. In such a short time, I can already feel the difference in my ability to make decisions with confident, no matter who is around me.
I know that I need to make my life what I want it be. It’s not easy and all my bags didn’t disappear but I don’t carry them around anymore. There’s still a room that they sit and collect dust. I try not to visit much.
Just knowing that when I felt like something wasn’t right, I got help was a big step and it shows how far I’ve come.
The fact that I write in my planner daily and it’s full. I keep the plans that I make and every appointment! I workout 5 days a week and make choices that are mine. I take care of my kids and I’m involved in their life. I say what I feel and I’m not waiting on someone anymore to make my life what I want it be. I pray to a faithful God, who came looking for me, even when I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be found. He didn’t stop, so I won’t either. He gave me strength in the weakest days. I know what kind of future I want. I’m going to have it. I will get there and that excites me!
This might all seem like “normal life” to some of you and you might be right. But I’m just getting a taste of it now. The light feels good.