I knew California was pure poison ☠️ to us. After about the first 45 days I felt the shift between us. Things were changing, everyday got a little wrose.
At first, I chalked it up to the huge change we had just went through in a short period of time. Before we basically had a normal, see ya everyday and night- for our whole marriage (over 15 year), in Colorado. Then for a year in a half in Minnesota, we never saw each other at all. We basically lived separate lives, alone. I think that really hurt us. It’s safe to say that we had a big disconnect during that time that we never fixed. I think we both know we kind of hoped it’d just go away or fix itself.
Then we moved to California! This was going to fix all the things we never wanted to deal with. But it didn’t at all… it made it worse. Our frustration and irritations for each other grew and we started to lose each other. We both hated feelings ￼this way but we did. Alone, isolated, angry and broke. Broken.
We now saw each other daily and mostly every night. This should have made things better but it didn’t. My mental health went to shit and if we’re being honest… yours did too.
I didn’t feel protected, cared for, wanted or like the gift you once treated me as. I wasn’t loved by you anymore. You weren’t careful with me anymore. You were careless.
You felt like I hated you. You believed that I thought you were worthless. You weren’t feeling loved by me anymore. Abandon, running a race with no finish line. You’d never measure up.
We both feel the same…
We didn’t treat each other right at all. Not the way we would have everyday before our new life started. Something happened while we lived in California that made it even worse…meaner.
Normally, going out of our way for each other was a pleasure. Leaving each other in the mornings was something we had to do, not something we wanted to do. Coming home to one another brought butterflies to our stomach. We looked forward to that moment we were back together. We prefer each other over anyone else because we liked each other more than anyone else. We’re friends… the best. We love on a different level!
It been tough and I have begged for this moment were in right now. It saw and felt the changed in you the day before we left for the hotel in California. We were back. You were back.
It was like everything I have been saying, asking, missing, wanting, needing…. it was all back. My protector, my safety, my love, my passion, my friend, my teammate, my husband, my comedian, my direction, my help, my compass, my map, my guy… You were there again. I missed you so much and you came back.
I’m not sure what did it and I don’t know if I need to know or not. What I do know is I never what to go back to that dark place with you again ever. That was our bottom. It was too close. I know I love you and I’m so grateful to have the guy that cares back. I see the light in you again and that lights me up.
This next chapter will be our titled HOME.
New Jersey here we come!
Love you, Me