Anxiety|Bricks In My (His) Chest

 

Bricks In My (His) Chest

As I have mentions in past post, my family and I are soon going to be South New Jersey residents. I’ve always wanted to moved to the east coast for many reasons, so this was excellent news to my family!

However, we had less than 12 days to make this move happen and right around Christmas time of all occasions! Sure, this gets us to Colorado (our home town) to be with my sister and her kids, which is right where I need to be but it does add a layer of stress as well. This is understandable, as the holidays themself can be stressful. In addition, we have this huge move from one coast to the other and my poor husband is taking on a new position within his company, so his has that stress also. This move is actually pretty complex. We have so many moving parts happening at the same time, that it can feel like more than a one’s share of chaos!

But we did ask for this blessing. I am incredible happy about this, even if there are things that I’m nervous or sad about. Also I am functioning right now at a million percent. I’m on top of my game! This is the best that I have been in over 3 years, with my motivation, multi-tasking and just simply kicking ass. My brain is actually firing off information and taking it in super fast. This might sound like no big deal to some of you but for me, this is a massive deal.  People who have suffered neurological issues have an uphill battle. I for sure declined mentally and then emotionally (That’s a different blog). To be on point like this feels…. different.

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As I’m laying in bed last night I was so tense. I felt like I had bricks inside of my chest. There were times I had to move my body just to shake off the feeling that someone wasn’t actually squeezing me. It was had to breathe and my throat was tight. My heart beat slow but remarkable loud and hard. The pounding was actually becoming painful as I could feel each heart beat push blood through the artery in my neck. I would rub my neck, trying to ease the pain but it didn’t help.  The pain and throbbing would grow stronger, now moving into my head.  I tried my best to finally just lay still and pray it all would just go away. I couldn’t figure out why this was happening to me? I’ve been so good.

This wasn’t a panic attack. I’m not depressed. This is anxiety but I don’t think it’s mind. I’m too on top of things and I need just the right of amount of pressure and crunch time to shine. I come to life somehow. That when I show up! Right now I’m stable, I’m probably the clear headed one…scary, I know!

I’ve been through these moves. I know the packing systems, the people who walk through your house and look through all your things. The ones who come in and crate thing and special people for your appliances. Then the movers who break down your things and you need to be there and not on your phone. You have to follow them around all day. Things get broken, lost and packers and movers don’t show up like they said they will. They take long lunches sometimes…sometimes not…I’ve had really good and terrible. You sign a ton of paper as they put stickers all over all your thing and throw them in a truck and you just hope for the best. I’ve done this all, while he was on the coast of California last time having fancy dinners. I carried stress and he learned his new job and have drink and mingled.

This time, thankful my sweet, dear husband is taking more of an active role in this move and it causing him to lose his mind a tiny bit. His anxious behavior is affecting the atmosphere and it’s rubbing off on me, unfortunately. Being the empathic person that I am I just absorb all his energy…good or bad.

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I have been working my tail off around this house. Most all the organizing and preparing has been done by me, during the day! It’s crazy, awesome how much I get done, when no one’s here to mess with my flow! Jason has been taking care of phone calls and emails, the contact stuff, that deals with the moving company. I very much appreciate this help as I did this part as well the last two moves. I do have to say planning our drive and our hotel stays is all him and that is a ton of leg work! In all, this is sending him over the edge and I want to bring him down a few notches.

3am I finally fell asleep and that’s about the time, Jason got out of bed. This is the second or third day of this sleep routine for us. It’s totally, in my opinion, because his energy is stressing me the hell out. I just can’t relax with with his nervous fervor. Yet he can’t sleep well and is up super early…it’s not a healthy tactic for us.

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My energy needs to be greater than his, this my plan!

I layed in my bed feeling completely broken. I’m treating my body as if it’s 17 years old and not going on 40 and been through many…many surgeries. To saying I feel a bit injured would be the understatement for the year. I pulled my dang groin muscle, for crying the night! I haven’t been able to look to right in three days because I hurt my neck and I’m not even 100% sure how I did it. Driving has been interesting. 

The point is, as I laid there all broken and desperate for an Aleve, I started think about how Jason was once my medicine in all my mental and emotional  moment of need. He is still learning how to be, as we both change and grow. We have always been good at balancing each other out, in the ebb and flow, phases of life. I’m proud of us for that but I have to say, I don’t think I have had to worry about anxiety or depression with Jason ever until California. This place and (some) of the people were just not of anything we have ever dealt with in our life and it was hard. It took a toll on all 4 of us. So even through I got help and the kids figured somethings out along the way… he didn’t. Maybe it’s just the moving part that got him freaked out?

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It hard to have two people trying to “be in charge”, you know the saying  “Too many chefs in the kitchen”, well I am also trying to avoid that and take a step back as well, while making my relaxed, controlled feeling greater, than his anxious feelings. Then maybe I will over power the atmosphere and help everyone.

Because the truth is, we do highly depend on each other to be at our best. We’re a team. I need him to support me and our family for me to do my job well and if he failing, then I am too. He also needs me to do my job well because if I am not, he can’t do his job well either. That’s why it’s so important that we that BOTH put each first, then neither one of us will ever be last.

-SK