Becoming An Actor

Yesterday I listened to a very interesting podcast. Later, that lead to an intriguing and honestly quite funny conversation.

The podcast was the interview of a physiologist named, Adam Grant. Here’s the podcast if you want to check it out:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/id1345682353?i=1000458732065

armchair expert podcast

One reason I found it so interesting was because I related to Adam Grant in the way that he himself couldn’t ever figure out what it is he wanted to do with himself. I’m almost 40 and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. This is why he studied what everyone else was doing! Mr. Grant basically found the very best people of that “one thing” and made a manual of that thing!

I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to a have a basic outline for the thing you are doing right now, everyday in your life? Someway to do it close to perfect every time? I personally thought that was brilliant!

The other thing that entertains my brain is the study of people and our behavior. This has always been interesting to me. Partly because of birth order, environment and how the science behind it all can be pulled apart and put together. It all just blows my mind. The other part is wanting to understand and help people, and myself.

Who am I?

I’ve had trouble pinpointing who I am my whole life. This has caused me to be a complete and utter researcher. I want to figure myself out. Maybe “understand” is a better word.

Why am I so conflicted about people not liking me and the other part of me could not give a shit at all. Even writing this, I’m scared to death that someone will be offended or upset because I cursed! But yet I’m not deleting it.

I have spent my life trying to figure out what type of person other people wanted me to be. So much so, that I have no clue who I actually am.

I’ve become an Actor

I’m actually a really crummy actor at that. After all these years of people-pleasing and trying to read the room, I finally broke my own brain. But even that mental mess wasn’t really me either.

Listening to this podcast, I felt like I got some insight on what I’ve unknowingly been doing this whole time. It’s like I’m sitting back watching, waiting to see what is excepted by “these people” then slowly I will tailor myself to fit the crowd… to a point.

The short conversation

I love laughing. Side note, it’s my favorite thing, right up there with my children and puppies! My friends will often come to me with “issues” and that’s fine, I’m glad they do. However, having friends that crack me up are priceless! This conversation was right on that line!

Having children that just speak their minds may embrasse us parents sometime but inside don’t you find yourself laughing? It was a conversation like that.

Yesterday, this podcast was floating around in my head most the day. My friend brings something up ( for privacy I won’t go into detail) but it’s going along with this podcast. Basically we’re talking about how this kid  “struggles” because he says it like it is. I love it! But to his peers, teachers, other adults he is inappropriate. But I feel like you’ll never question where this kid stands or how he feels. You’ll never wonder. He tells you. It’s only funny because we adults would never have the nerve to say any of these things this little dude says to someones face.  We would totally say it behind their back though! I think it’s awesome he just speaks what he feels! I wish we all could.

Then there’s me over here thinking what if literally every person stopped being a judgmental jerk, stopped be a lying ass hole and everyone communicated in truth and love? What a different word we’d have! Maybe this kids on to something!

Dissecting Me 

For the most part I’d say I’m a very agreeable person. Only after a long and safe period of time have passed, do I allow a small doses of my more “disagreeable” self to come out.

I grew up with a fighter and if he wasn’t one, then he sure made one out of me. Especially, if someone I loved was being hurt.

I saw a boat rocker! Someone who was tough and didn’t take crap from anyone. He didn’t allow himself to be disrespected by anyone. He was strong and a hard worker. He would always stand up for the little guy and for sure put someone in their place just for being a dumbass. Having a snarky comment wasn’t looked down on in my house. Being witty was a plus! But be prepared to use your fists if you must… only if you have no other choice.

That was my Dad. I rarely used my fist because I was very, very quick witted and that was all I needed most cases.

Leave me guessing

Still a wonder was there a time when I was the real Sarah, before I became all these different Versions of myself?

–SK