All The Sudden
Insane! It’s midnight and I’m exhausted. I want to sleep but all I can think about is my set backs and how I can improve.
I’m obsessing over every word I’ve had in the last few weeks. All my observation and encounter that I’ve had are consuming my mind.
Now I’m laying in bed driving myself nuts about how I could make myself a more positive, whole person? What was is that I did or did not do? Does it even matter what I do? Every detail is racing through my head. Did I talk to much, to loud, maybe I didn’t speak enough? Was I too much or not enough?
This is the story of my life.
Tonight I got to witness something really awesome! I saw someone who has been told and taught many lessons, be able to share and help someone else.
It was amazing seeing it all come full circle. More than that I saw this person in a very powerful role for once. It was refreshing and reassuring for me.
It also got me to where I am right this minute as I write this very post. Questioning everything but at the same understandings so much too.
Welcome to my brain!
Lessons Are For Everyone
Now over my time here in Colorado I have observed and written (processed) a lot. I have felt a crazy amount of things. I couldn’t even begin to write through them all. I also spent sometime re-reading my older blog post. This really helped me get a full picture of my growth and set backs, along with some shall we call them…habits, I saw.
Somethings that I found after much reflection, was I wrote about being lost, or unwanted often. I really thought this over for awhile and the place those feelings/thoughts came from.
I know why I came “home” and it was in part- to make these overwhelming feelings go away….but they only seemed to get worse.
I think I’m searching for something that can only be found from within myself and that’s scary. It’s scary to know that only I and most likely a higher power can escape this Constants dark place I keep finding myself.
Letting down myself or others is nothing new for me but after reading more, I found that I really have a terrible fear of being a failure to others. Even worse is I currently feel I AM! This explains so much… I could puke 🤮
Its suck coming to this realization. What a sinking feeling. It’s confusing too. I feel like a totally ass failure but yet I also feel like I have done some amazing things that I just don’t get any credit for at all. Those two conflicting emotions bounce around in my chest and eat at me. It’s annoying!
The expectations I have for myself are so high! I set myself up to fall and I think maybe I create a cycle of failure for myself! I beat myself up or take things already done to me and have repeated those actions on the daily in every whisper in my head.
Do I set the people up around me to Fail too? No one will ever reach the expectations that I have set because it’s all some mystery in my head. Could this be true? Am I search for an invisible pot of gold?
I hate when I get spinning!
I also write often that I will forever be a work in progress. This will forever and ever be true. I’m learning and changing. Some days I make massive improvements and other days I have some set backs but in the end nothing is ever wasted. It’s all a lesson to progress to a healthier, happier… more whole person.
But am I progressing now? Am I moving in the right direction or any direction at all currently?
Tonight got me thinking.
Stay With me Here…
Laying here in this bed, mind going crazy. I have one week left in Colorado.
Reflecting on the conversation tonight….
Being a better listener…..
Why do people do what they do….
No one is that great at conversation/Communication skills…
We’re not doing this alone…
What is MY point?
I know it seems like I’m rambling but stay with me for a bit longer…
When I planned to come to Colorado I thought this trip out in my head differently. I wanted to fix the pain I had been struggling with for the last year or more. I wanted to feel wanted and cared about and I was trying to recover parts of myself that have gone missing. I wanted to be restored. I was making a sorry attempt to fill a very lonely empty hole.
As a mom I was trying to be a hero to my kids and give them something awesome and fill their emptiness too.
I shouldn’t have ever tried to make other people be my medicine. That was wrong of me. No one can fill up this hole. Everyone has their own life, their own junk going on. But not all was lost! So it all didn’t happen like I hoped for…it did happen how God intended.
I restored more than I could have imagine. There’s things that were just flying around in space that are not anymore. I feel like I do have a grip on something’s I didn’t.
Im also aware that I have not been a great communicator. Partly out of fear and partly out of just not knowing better. It’s been rough. This is an area I have been scared to even try to much of and probably never been amazing at. My intention were always good but delivery poor. It’s why I shut down and disappear. This is also why I write. I like to be able to check and process myself.
I have been working on be a better listener while I’ve been here and WOW I have heard a lot. Still I know I can alway improve. However, I have learned quite a lot by listening and observing more and talking less.
Also I now have reassurance that I am not alone in my experiences, heartache, memories, or any of the ups and downs this life throws at me.
I know there are others that get it. They know what I know and they understand. I’ll never need to prove anything because I’ll never be walking alone in my past or my future.
In The End
So finally I’ll end by saying this, I think I can drive back to California and start making my little family’s future plan now. I’ll be able to post my Colorado journey to you all later down the road and be at peace with it all. Because everything happened just how it should have. I’m better for it and even with still one week felt to go (anything can happen) I can say I’m glad I came.
I know where I belong and I got some insight which is usually a good thing, even if it hurt at the time. I’m better/wiser now. But maybe most importantly I found somethings not in others that needs to change but in myself. Which is great news because I have control of that! It was… Empowering!
I see what needs worked on and I know I am a mess in some critical areas. Really I’m not doing too bad. I’m just really concerned how others view me and I’m getting better about that. Much better!
So I guess I’ll say goodnight 😴 but keep your eyes peeled because you might just see some changes yourself! A stronger, more confident and maybe at time venerable SKelly 😎💪🏽😇🤓😍😢🥺🤩