Goodbye to another year…

 

 

How times just whips by when I think about these babies. They said it would, I didn’t believe them at first. Those first weeks of sleepless nights dragged on into months of 1am dirty diapers, feedings and crying for both of us.  At the times it seemed like it was going to be that way forever.

Like it was yesterday…

Only 4 or 5 short months of marriage, I was pregnant with our first child, Tristan. I remember thinking “How could I actually be pregnant?”-  At 25 years old I still felt so adolescent myself. How could I keep another human alive?

Five pregnancy test later the truth was reviled! On my break from work, in a bathroom stall is where I found out I was indeed going to be a Mom. This wasn’t the way you discover your newfound parenthood in the EPT commercials or in the movies at all but either way my life was about to change forever.

 Our little family…

Our little family was just, Jason, me, Tristan and a black lab named Buddy for 5 years. Tristan was the one and only Grandson and I might add first boy on my side of the family! In a sea of girls, I believe my Dad was over joyed to have a boy, finally! He was and still is in so many ways everyones pride and joy. The first baby we welcomed to the family. Tristan got to experience being an only child for a good chuck of time! Tristan having all the attention for 5 years of his life and then only dealing with “useless” babies after (which all came at the same time), there’s no doubt he reaped every benefit of be the first!

 

I had never loved anyone or anything more in my entire life.

 

Raising my first Child and caring for his every want and need was my full time job, along with working outside of the house. New Mom, new wife, new home-owner …new at being a “real” adult! I was failing a lot.

I gave every ounce of myself to loving this little person and being this new married-person. Tired all the time! Not just sleepy, I mean exhausted! The kind of exhaustion that makes you feel sick in your head and sleeping on a busy highway would be welcoming! That was me for a few years!

Lonely, I did this new parent thing mostly by myself. This was one of the scariest and saddest times I can think of. Although, I have blocked out many details of those years, what I can tell you is those years were not what I had planned for myself or for my child at all.

Lost, I had no clue what I was doing 100% of the time, this hasn’t changed much at all. I had never cared for a baby before and especial the way I feeling. Everyday I was put in some weird situation that I didn’t know how to handle and I just hoped for the best.

I know without any doubt that every scared, fearful and unsure, sleepless moment has been worth it to just have this amazing kid in my life. Strength in this knowledge that I hold on to in my half melted brain and full heart of all I have withstand; I have no hesitation that the next years will be an amazing experience raising and continuing to growing this child into a man.

God has blessed me all the way, even when my eyes were too blurred with tears too see and my heart was too broken to feel it. I may be guessing and praying my way through this parenthood thing but I am loving and growing my kid the best I know how through this crazy world.

Parenthood is Hard…

Parenthood is hard and especial hard with your first child. You really have no clue what things are ahead of you!

The never sleeping (ever again in life), being peed on, popped on, bath time screaming, carseat screaming, I don’t like where the sun is in the sky screaming, screaming for no reason at all and boob pain.! Good Lort…the boob pain! Actually all the pain! My body has changing forever. Goodbye waistline, goodbye toned legs and abs, goodbye brain.

This kid is now a teenage. A smelly, dirty, very expensive and at times hard of hearing teenager. I love’em, even smelly. As a teenage he comes with new things…still much like the infant and toddle years but an older version and maybe not as cute. Still eating large amounts of food and is pretty messy about it!  He still pees everywhere but has improved, it’s at least in the bathroom and not on me anymore! Tristan still has food on his shirt always. I still clean up after him… probably more than I should!

The improvements, he does now shower on his own… when he showers and can be quite handy when I need someone to take out the trash! Tristan is actually terrible strong too! He can lift or move heavy things around the house and even mows the lawn now!  He is helpfully in plenty ways and I am so thankful for that! Plus he makes really good coffee!

He’s the best kid I could ever ask for! Blessed with the best humor, Tristan makes me laugh everyday! Tristan has a fair amount of similarities as me, he love animals and the outdoors. He’s witty and it can comes off as very… very sarcastic. He’s an amazing artist and actually has many talents! Tristan is the kind of smart that the average person wouldn’t understand but like me, he also has trouble believing in himself. I only wish he saw in himself the way that I see him! The way he sees the world is a true gift and I hope he never loses that! Tristan’s an emotional, sensitive and sentimental guy. People that feel that deep have trouble in the world…I know.

Someday he’s going to be the love of some sweet girls life but for now he is mine. He can be bit obsessive like his Dad, just enough that it creates passion in him. The mix of the way he feels the world so deeply and his huge heart, which he gets from his Dad, he’ll be just fine. I have a good one…a smelly one but he’s still pretty awesome!

Where did the time go…

Where did the last 14 years go? What did we do with it? It’s crazy as kids, time seems to drag on forever but once we reach what we thought was going to be “freedom”- our adult life, time passes us by in a blink of an eye. Faster and faster… until one day it’s gone. I want to make the most of the short years we have. It’s gone before we know it.

Tristan

Tristan hold on your young years and enjoy life. Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can. You’ll have your whole life to work, for now learn to be happy. Find out what’s gonna do that for you. Being a good human is a good place to start and you’ve got that down… don’t lose that deep, caring, old soul of yours.

Always be grateful. Be thankful for the people, the places, the lesson, (yes, even the hard ones), and the memories. Make sure you tell the people you love and appreciate, how much they mean to you. It’s important you don’t assume they already know.  Take care of yourself and others. Remember to keep your faith strong, it’ll get you through anything! You’re a very special person and an amazing talent! Believe in yourself, you have so much to offer. I love you so much buddy.

 

 

 

 Forever ago…

Time is all a blur to me now. I get flashes, maybe bits and pieces of lost memories and I feel guilty that I don’t I have clear memories of passed years. To me without pictures it’s as if our lives never happened at all or maybe it’s all a dream. When I really sit back and I think hard, trying to grab a foggy memory, I get a few wispy reminiscences like breeze blowing by and then it’s gone. The only ones that really stick out to me are the ones of the kids and even those without the pictures would cloudy.

There’s full chunks of time I have completely lost and wonder why? Genuinely, I have block some out as protection for myself or the memories fell out, just wasn’t anymore room in my head.

Some of my most important times in life I have very little recollection of at all. Example, my wedding is super spotty in my mind and without the pictures I would only have a select few memories and not all are very good unfortunately. I have one very important moment and it’s possibly the most important one and not too many people know about it.

Then of course there’s the birth of my first child and I’ve told ya’ll about all I remember about that. I left out a few details but that’s about it. I do however have a few sweet memories that I hold close to my heart that others weren’t ables to tainted with their own selfish wants or demands. Those memories are like movies in mind and I will treasure them forever. I won’t let anyone dirty them. I wish I could remember clearly but maybe as I make peace with some pain and stop allowing myself to be hurt the years will come back?

 

This brings me fast-forward to 2010 and our family of 3 becomes a family of 4 and one black lab.

A wild child…

 

 

I had no idea what kind of free-spirt, wild, handful we were going to get when I became pregnant with my second child. We were about to get a completely different experienced then we had with Tristan… basically everything we thought we knew with Tristan, meant nothing.

Our Family was growing…

In 2010 Gracie…AKA Princess Gigi Buttercup or simply known as G, came in like hurricane and has been rockin’ our world ever since. She didn’t start off that way though, as an infant to about 10 months old; Gracie was a quite and sweet, cuddle baby. I know now she was just taking it all in, waiting for her moment. She was planning…

 

Do ya’ll remember Jack Jack from the Incredibles when his family finds out about all his crazy new superhero powers? Well, that’s Grace! She’s a sweet, funny, smart, nightmare who will knock you out and do your make-up perfectly. What a beautiful mixtures of wind and rain, night and day, a raging storm and a sunny spring day…that’s my girl. God bless the man she marries.

 

Once this kid started talking she never stopped and she continues to chatter way to this very day. For almost 9 years now, she’s been waking up early and happy, sing and dancing every single day. Once she got a taste of life, she’s been full blast ever since. I’m not sure the rest of us will be able to keep up with her.

I wanted to really hold on to the baby and toddled years with her for a few reasons. One reason, was I felt like I rushed through those years with my oldest. I had to work like crazy with my oldest and I did all the parenting alone with Tristan, so I really wanted some relief back then.

The other reason and biggest, was the first year of G’s life, I wasn’t there much. I was sick to point I thought I was dying. I was given adrenaline to keep my heart beating. (I’m convinced my own life is killing me slowly)  -When I say I was sick, I mean seriously the sickest kind of sick! Hospitalized for weeks at a time for over a year while my little girl was trying to figure out the world. I spent so much time away, unable to bond with my new baby.

When at home I carried around a bag of pee because I had a catheter in, super inconvenience when your also holding a baby. I still had to work during this time too… so as you can imagine I wasn’t love’in life!

Honestly, I have very little recollection of 2010-2012. I’m sure it’s a defense mechanism for me. Even now writing about it I’m getting shaky… Shit, I need to get some therapy.

One things I remember, is doing her hair every single day. Sick or not I did her dark beautiful hair everyday. It may not look it here in these pictures but Grace was born with a head full of beautiful jet black hair and the most perfect tanned skin ever. She was so different then my white, reddish haired Tristan. My favorite thing in the world is brushing her beautiful hair to this day .

Having a strong Mother-Daughter bond is so very important to me. We are not in a competition. We’re not besties. Grace and I are something much greater than that and it’s priceless. I did everything in my power to savor every little moment as a Mom of a little girl and I still do. Every chance I got I did what I could to love her my best. Even though she pushes my buttons like no one else can, she’s a rare diamond and I love that about her. It makes me crazy but I love it!

 

 

Gracie

My lil mama, Gigi Buttercup otherwise known as “G”-  Don’t be tamed little girl, always stay wild but don’t think that means you stop listening or caring for what other people think. This means you stay strong, fearless and gracious, kind, loving and patience. Keep doing the hard work, keep learning, fight hard, and explore farther. Don’t let anyone in this world or others ever tell you that you can’t do all these things. You are meant to do great things and I know this because I see you doing them now. Don’t you ever forgive who you are and the higher power who gave you life. And lastly, when life gets tough…and it will, hit your knees and start praying. The answers you need you’ll find in Him. Love you forever G,

 

Now this sassy girl 9 years old… going on 21 most days, is closing one book and opening another. I’m so honored to be apart of it. How the days with her have flown by so fast, before I know it she’ll be off to College. Knowing her she’ll be doing something very unconventional and be amazing at it!  I can’t believe I held this girl in my arms, a tiny baby and now she’s watching make-up tutorials on how to get winged-eyeliner on fleek or Mind Craft videos.

Time goes by…

As the time goes by and I look through these pictures and try to hold on to some good memories, I can’t  help be forced to hold on a little tighter to the present. Yesterday is already gone. Did I use it right and purposeful at all?

Chances are I did not. I’ve spent the last 2 years and 6 months starving for a feeling. A feeling that I’m not even sure I can fully put in to words. I’ve been spending too much time in regrets and wishing so badly I would have done more or at least something different “back then”- We all probably could have done better when we look back at our lives but I am spending far to much time there in the back on my head.

The last few months I have tried to be a bit more mindful of what others are saying around me. I have heard very clearly what’s being said. Some of it’s hurtful, mean, sad and even contradicting but I understand it all. What I find so compelling is we’re not that different in what we feel, what we say and what we don’t say.

The whole time we’ve been desperately missing… no, needing the same things; that feeling of life we couldn’t put a name to (but we need to name it).  All of us have felt alone, abandoned, uncared for and even hated at times. There’s a need to have stability and making a real home, a home that is ours and we can grow in.  With friends and family to be close, a place we belong and won’t have to leave or ever want too. Freedom to make some decision in our own lives without feeling dictated and trapped. We need to feel safe and sound again, happy and joyful. We don’t feel like us anymore because we aren’t us.

The routines of morning coffee outside on Saturday morning, Church and family dinners, Poppy’s smoked Wings! All unplanned family get-togethers, the random calls from Grandma Meg, “Let’s go grazin’ Guys” (code for I’m hungry). Sunday Bronco games and chili in the crock pot in our home! Jason and I miss our Friday night FireBall shot “to a week well done” and a few cold beers as a bonuses on the patio!

Life wasn’t easier then but it wasn’t a mystery either. Of course there were still some up hill battles for sure but we weren’t doing life alone. And whatever this un-named thing is that makes it worth it, well we had… We don’t have it now. Sadly, we wished that life away and we’re paying for it now. That’s a hard painful pill to swallow.

The never knowing and loneliness too much.

Not for nothing…

As painful as this time has been and as mentally jacked up as I am from it, I’ve earned some valuable lessons from it all because this writing thing really is process for me and it help me untie the knot in my mind. Of course, I hate that we had to learn any of this but I hope that possibly going through this and still currently living it- that in away my kids will  learn something too and do better from it. Maybe then they can skip these hard life lesson and just move on to the good stuff.

The lessons for me here are- Be so eternally and utterly thankful for what and who I have in my life that I can’t ever speak one bad word about them because the truth is life can change in a second.

Presence in the moments and living more purposeful.  Once upon a time in my life I was able to practiced this like a pro! I lived it well back then but now I’m not so sure how or when I felt off. But this is something that I need to do better for myself and I need to do better modeling this for others. As I am seeing now these moments as fleeting and I don’t want to look back in anymore regret.

Love hard, I don’t think I have really have loved much of anything for awhile but I have always loved my husband and my kids. However, I haven’t been every lovable. Because of this I’ve had the hardest time praying and reconnecting to God. The most important command that God gives us is to LOVE above everything and I haven’t done this well. I haven’t love even myself well or how could I possible show love to others.

**I didn’t actually do this blog on purpose, it just happened. Putting a close to this school year had me really going through all these past years and realizing how fast they have disappeared. Sure, I have a few not so great memories in the past but now focusing on the good ones made me have me wanting more of them.

 

 

Thanks for reading through and taking the time. Life is a process and I sure am going through mine! 

 

Are You Living On Purpose? https://tonyevans.org/are-you-living-on-purpose/

How to Stay positive: 11 Habits https://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-stay-positive/

Fabricthatmademe.com/Change the Momentum https://fabricthatmademe.wordpress.com/2019/05/09/change-the-momentum/

Essential oils for relief and peace https://www.doterra.com/US/en/site/skellylou303

xoxo sk