I desperately want it to be different this time. With each move and even decision that I’ve made, there’s been some kind of regret I find myself looking back on.
I find myself facing the harsh regret and thinking 🤔 it all wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be.
Why didn’t I hold onto that time and cherish it more? Why didn’t I invest in that time, place, people, or just do things differently? Why did I hate everything? Why did I try to get out and move on to something so quickly, just to have the same feelings?
Honestly I’m convinced my brain is wired weird…
Could it be that my brain is actually wired just to be unhappy ?😞
So what am I going to do different this time? Well I knew I didn’t want to have the same issues as before, so I did mentally plan ahead.
I had changed my minds processing system. The drive all the way here to California I made notes 📝 and was working hard to do different and do better! I knew the result I wanted for my family and for me. This time was going to be different!
I put so many different things in place to make those positive changes.
I took it all in when we got to this crazy place. The good and the bad but I focused on the good. The sunshine and beautiful weather. Instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of people, I tried to think about all the new people I’d meet and friendship possibilities.
I promise, I did my best. Even on the hardest days I still got up and worked for a great life. I worked on myself in the most important and positive ways. I took great care of myself.
I started working out 🏋️ as much as I could and eating good foods. I used good products on my body. I just wanted to be a healthier, happier person. I have wanted nothing more.
And seriously after years and years of giving all of myself to everyone else… this was over due! I did deserve this! My body and my mind deserved some care.
I started calling my grandparents more and connecting to my sisters more Often.
My goal was and still is, to be in a healthy place with myself mentally and have a healthier relationship with my family, friends, my husband and even my kids… My goal on this move and especially in my life is to be a normal GOOD, HAPPY chick 🐥, ya know!
So one day… things changed.
Everything I had set myself up for was crashing down… being pulled away. I was more than overwhelmed. I was more than pissed off. I was more than angry. I was maybe more than numb… because I was so exhausted with life itself.
I was feeling things I couldn’t explain and feeling nothing at all! I wanting to go back to my old life but knowing I never could made me feel even more trapped. I wanted to die.
I can’t see my parents, my sisters or their kids, my friends, my grandparents, my aunt… who knows when I ever will… I lost the freedom I once thought I never had… now I actually don’t have any. What have done?
My painful regret was more than I could bear.
It’s taken so much time to get a little light back. It’s like starting from scratch. I have find a whole new plan for myself and I actually don’t know exactly what that plan is.
For now I write but mostly for myself. I take long drives exploring all over the place and listen to music by myself. I cry and stop being mad at myself when for it. I workout at home and stop killing my self to get to the gym. I’m sure I’ll figure out a schedule in But for now I need to be okay with my body the way it is and working out is can’t add to my stress.
I spent a lot of time with my dogs. I walk… I walk a lot and everywhere. I smile a people, even to rude ones. The really rude people I speak up and say something to but I just don’t care anymore. I’m fine if you people don’t like me. It bother me but it doesn’t anymore.
Light > Dark
I was so resentful to Jason. I shouldn’t blame my feelings on him. He loves me the most and never has judged me once. The problem we have is communicating.
Maybe if he knew, truly what had been in my heart and head for the last 11 years before his new Career, then what was happening for me in Minnesota, then in California… just maybe things would be different now.
One thing is for sure… I design my future. It’s in my hands and I just can’t forget that!I can’t ever… ever let myself be in this position ever again.
Cherish the time with loved ones, friends, family because it can be gone in a second! If I ever have a chance again to get that back in my life I will never let it go again.
I had a great job and I quit it. Now I’m struggling to find work. I will NEVER put myself in this position again. Never. I wasn’t think a head.
I miss my Colorado Family and friends so much. 💔
I plan to continue to workout and to take care of myself but not just physically but also mentally. I’m going to find the right plan for me and work it!
Tristan, my awesome, soon to be 14 year old, and I are planning to start a YouTube Channel. Im so excited! It’s supposed to a reaction channel of two different generations… I think it’s a good idea 💡. Plus we’re funny 😁 I’ll keep y’all post on our channel name! We know it but I’ll share it later. 😉
I’m changing my plans when it comes to getting a JOB! I’m still working on it but I’m not killing myself for “my idea” anymore. I’m just going with the flow.
So the conclusion is this…
Don’t have anymore regret. If it’s nice outside, then be outside! Laugh more with new friends I make and don’t take them for granted for one second! Don’t just look but really see everything… breathe is All in. When I’m sleepy… sleep… who cares what people think. Play more! Go to ocean all the time! Go to the mountains and listen to wind blowing through the trees. Spend every moment I can with my pups… their lives are too short and that is the saddest to me because they are my best medicine! Hug my kids all the time. Love 💕 more than not. Be thankful for all of it… even the super shitty painful harsh lessons! I’ll never be the same. I’ll be better.