What In The Hell Am I Doing?

Tonight I went to a function at church. It was called The Women’s Regal…I know…so fancy! I even attempted wearing real daytime pants and I actually did my hair! So impressed! For this function you had to sign up to go about a month ago and I did without even thinking about it. I didn’t want to talk myself out of it.

I have plenty of reasons to not go…I know no one at my Church. Well, that’s not totally true, I do kind of know one girl. But I went to this event totally alone and by myself.

Everyone I met tonight asked me who I came with or who invited me and I told them all the same thing. I came alone and that I didn’t know anyone. I heard how brave I am to come by myself and that I was so awesome for doing something most would not. But this isn’t how I felt at all. I didn’t feel brave or awesome in the slightest.

For months now I’ve had this stupid battle going on in my head and this fight has drained the life out of me. I just cannot be happy or content and I feel like a selfish asshole for that.

My role as a mother and wife, I completely doubt and I feel like I’m more of a burden than anything these days. I just can’t make anyone smile or laugh anymore because I’m all dark and sad inside. This worse part is I can’t even put my finger on the reason why my brain is making me feel this way.

Side note: This not being able to specially explain why I am this really indecisive, manic, anxious person to my husband drives him crazy! The fact that I can not always explain to him or give him the reason why I feel unsafe or scared and some times just sad and will cry, keeps him feeling helpless. He wants to fix me…make it all better and I love him for that but I’m just wired wrong I guess.

Any-who…I want to back up a little and start from Christmas break. I told everyone then that I had made a new schedule and we had rules and consequences. We had a good plan in place for the kids and for us parents too! I felt like I had done everything other than start spanking my kids to get some motivation and respect out of them, and run a functional home.

It’s been one week people…one damn week and I am toast! No one cares what I say or what the punishments are. I am about to lose my damn mind! The bossy sassy and lazy attitude in this house makes me want to pack the hell up and just leave. I have no clue what I am doing!

But it’s more than that. Everyday, I come home after dropping off the kids at school and I clean, do some laundry, make some appointments and whatever other task that need to be handled but all I really want to do is sleep. I’m not talking about depression this time. I am dead serious about being actually sleepy. I could fall asleep in the car while driving because I am that tired! After driving the kids to school I will stay in the parking lot and close my eyes for 15 minutes to rest before I drive home. (Our drive is about 30 mins each way) Then once I get home my brain is in such a fog I can’t even think to blog which is my outlet. I can hardly handle the little tasks I have let alone a big one.

Some nights I will sleep a little but most nights I am wide awake. I can’t even close my eyes. I don’t get it! All day I want to die, I am so exhausted! I could sleep in the middle of traffic but then night comes and I am wide awake? At night I am still sleepy but I’m totally awake! I may get about 2 hours tops. It’s killing me.

So back to The Women Regal tonight…I am being told basically how amazing and brave I am which is a totally lie. These ladies don’t know that I just left my kids at home earlier than I needed to so I wouldn’t give my daughter the spanking of a life time. I saved her by leaving…but still I have fail them! What the hell am I doing?

I look around the room and all these ladies are dressed up so nice and hugging each other, smiling. I am crying inside…I grab a cup of hot tea and sit on the couch alone for awhile and just watch. Look at all these women. Most all are wives and mothers, some are younger, maybe seniors in high school and college age.

I think these wives and moms look genuinely happy. They probably couldn’t wait to have a night like this…no kids yelling at you to make them a sandwich RIGHT NOW! When you’ve been home for less than one second and then complaining about it to you before you even have time to say “eat your damn sandwich and shut up !”( I never said that but I sure as hell felt like it!). They finally get to put those clothes on in the back of the closet that never get worn ever, put some makeup on and just look nice! I hate that actually but I think most normal people enjoy not looking like shit. I gave up awhile ago… it’s t-shirts and whatever I can fit in.

Then there’s the younger ladies with their whole lives ahead of them. They’re all dressed super cute in those skinny jeans and knee-high boots! I’m sure it’s nothing new to dress like you live in a catalog and have some place to go when your 21…but I’m way pass that now in my life, it’s all school functions and doctors appointment for me. All I see is stress free faces when I look at them. The realities of being an adult haven’t aged them yet. No kids, not married, no mortgage or weekly visits to the pharmacist yet, just following their dreams and Starbucks. So free from major obligations… ya know, like other humans that need you to feed them 24/7. I’m kind of jealous.

I know it’s weird but I am a weird person… but I started to think how different the content of their purses might be then the older women’s in the group, like me.

Let’s see, in my bag I had about 12 different essential oils, all to help stomach issues, headaches, anxiety, ouchies, a stuffy noses and kill germs. I had a million receipts and a few used tissues..so far I am looking super gross. There’s some mints, one lip gloss and 4 chapsticks because let’s be real here, Chapstick is much more realistic. My wallet, which is full of cards that I can’t use, a Minnesota license and a ton of random business cards that I have no clue why I have. Also a few punish-out cards because I like to waste my time, money and space as if I’m actually going to use them and then there my bottle of Advil and one other Rx. I can’t forget my hand sanitizer and at the very bottom of this dark hole, is my phone. I always keep it in a super inconvenient place so that when it rings I can dump out my whole purse in frustration…cause that’s fun!

I bet those sweet winkle free faces have 2 things in their tiny band-name bags. Gum and Lip gloss…maybe their phones but honestly most of them keep their phones in hand at all times. Again, I’m jealous.

Fast forward…We go to the dinner portion of our night and I am sitting with all very nice people. But lucky me, I have the lady high as hell on Xanax and Trazodone sitting right next to me! Now I get it…you might need those meds for anxiety and whatever else you have going on… that’s fine. But she was drooling on me and kept petting my hair. She even put her hand on my leg a few times…um, no thanks sister! Everyone at the table noticed she was off but no one said anything. This wonky women went on and on about her medications and how they give her crazy dreams, which she than tried to tell me about. I wanted so bad so say, I think you might be taking a little to much medication friend but then she got right in my face and started laughing, like totally creepy. But also she smelled awful like alcohol…well they ya go! I couldn’t take anymore so I got up to go to restroom.

Finally it was time to head to the church and listen to the speaker. I so welcomed this part. Please Lord, whatever this person is going to say let it resonate with me some how! She talked for about an hour and it was all good stuff. I think it was something we all needed to hear but nothing made me think YEP, that was for me. I had a few more awkward conversations and headed out the Church doors.

On my way out I saw several table with sign up sheets on them. I decided to go check out maybe something would work for me. At first, I didn’t see anything for me until I got to the last table. There I saw a clip board to sign up for a mentor/consoler. I stood in front of it for awhile and just stared at it. I’m not sure what I was doing. Then a little grey haired lady grabbed my hand and asked me if I was in need of a mentor in this season of my life? I looked at her for a few seconds before answering and finally I said the smallest, yes ever. I wrote my name and number down and was going to walk away but she still had my hand. She asked me a few more questions about my needs and how the process worked. I told told her a few details of my life currently and how I’m trying to make some changes. She nodded her head and smiled and I was thinking…ok..well, I’m gonna go now but she didn’t let go of my hand. I just stood there. She pulled me a little closed to her and said Sarah, I know more is going on than that. Your eyes give you away. I was stunned!

At that very moment my face got hot and my eyes started to burn. Don’t cry, don’t cry I told myself. I just looked at her. She gave my hand another squeeze and said it’s gonna be good. I blinked…I got weak and blinked! I had two tears fall and I just nodded. She finally let my hand go.

I walked out to my car and sat there for what felt like forever. I didn’t want to drive with blurry cry baby eyes. I wanted to get myself together. I talked to my sister for the whole drive home and then once I pulled up in my drive way I sat there for about 20 minutes before I went in. All I was thinking was why I am the way that am?

What a bummer I am…I mean tonight… I know why I went there. It was to meet this lady who would help me to get help for myself. But why am I one of those people who needs help? Why can’t I just be okay and balanced all the time? Why can’t I just handle my life without being a weirdo? I don’t know what in hell I am doing and I hate this feeling. I don’t want to be lost. Then like a lighten blot I remember one thing the speaker had said tonight. God loves for you to call on Him. He will gladly leave the 99 to come find the 1. That 1 is me.

I am freaking lost as shit! I can’t get out of this hole without Him to pull me out. It’s too dark, too confusing…too much of everything for me to find my way out. All I have to do is call for Him and not give up. I think…I think…I can do that.

I walked in my house and straight into the bedroom, where Grace had made me another apologies picture. I know it’s sweet of her but seriously her “I’m sorry” art work draw is over freaking flowing. I gave her a hug, told her I loved the picture and then sat by myself in my room to just be still for awhile.

I cried a lot tonight and I can’t tell you 100% what is going on with me and why I am such a cry baby. I just am. I washed my face, made a cup of coffee and decided to zone out with some Shane Dawson YouTube…I’m telling you, his conspiracy theory stuff is probably not good for my anxiety but I’m obsessed.

After that I laid in bed for about 30 minutes and thought to myself, I need to blog this right now! Get it out of my head this very second. So here I am at 3 am blogging with you all. I’m a mess as you can read. But now that I’ve come to the end of this and sitting under my kitchen table is killing my butt, I think I’ll end this…I hope that whatever went down tonight…this week, I can come out on top of it all.

Sleep well….

xoxo sk


6 thoughts on “What In The Hell Am I Doing?

  1. Well, from one weird person to another, you make sense. Life gets to us eventually. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Many speeds and extremes. It sounds a lot like you need some time alone with yourself and the Lord. A time to sit back and just talk. And take ample time to listen. Let it all out and be a mess. I’m not talking an hour or so but a good day. You aren’t alone.

    Don’t know if you got the ping back, but I gave you some inspiration to write. Hopefully it helps!

    1. I don’t know if it’s back yet either… I think last night was one of times when only my blank screen was listening… it felt good to let it out.

      1. I nominated you for an idea I had. Hopefully you’ll have fun and put a smile on your face!

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