Solid Ground Chapter 4

Building A Solid Foundation

Having ground rules for your child is so important. Following through with guidelines, consequences and keeping a steady, loving, safe environment for my kids is my goal always but it’s work! Whether you’re a single parent or not, being the parent that I want to be is something that I am constantly failing at.

One thing I know for sure from my own childhood, so many self-help books, Bible Studies and from plenty of other people like myself….is that growing up with parents who are shaky and unsure with life, makes life shaky and unsure for their kids. If you add marriage issues or other deeper issues to the mix, then the foundation for the kids is nothing but sand! It’s like trying to stand tall without a backbone. 

Bigger Issues To Handle

The conversation with my kids went well but it was painful too. I found out that my son and I are both holding on to some resentment and have in- common a lot of confusion about life as it is today for us. But hey, I’m the parent here…no time to show weakness! I need to help my kid!

There was a much bigger issue then just chores and lazy kids. We had lost the leader of our family and I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation or something that could be fixed over night. I was not looking forward to that talk at all. The fact of the matter is, I needed to talk with my husband and try to reconnect him as the head of our household.

As parents, we aren’t giving our kids the solid ground they need to stand firmly on and grow into strong, confident adults, right now. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care or that we aren’t trying. I think we’ve gotten lost, maybe a bit lackadaisical in our relationships.

I heard this from a spiritual friend of mine a few years back and it’s the truth. The enemy doesn’t always come in like a bulldozer and ruin your life. He starts small and makes you busy. 

Everything we’ve been through the last few years has put some major strains on the dynamics between everyone, including our marriage. It’s also been a blessing in many ways! This crazy life has taken us on amazing adventures! We’ve made incredible memories together that I would never take back! 

Love and…. 

Love was never a problem for Jason and me. We love each other to the ends of the Earth! He is my most favorite person!

It was seriously one of those things you only read about or see in the movies. When I saw him the first day we just stuck together! We never left each other site after that. That was it! All of our stress being in this relationship come from outside people, it was never us. We always had each others back! Love and loyalty was there from day one and it’s still there now! 

Over time, lots of others things came into our life and gave us some difficulties, just began to wear us down! May be even miserable in some cases! We were overly stressed, lonely, annoyed, resentful, selfish and plain exhausted. We both worked everyday, had bills to pay, kids to care for, a house to run and other people who expected things from us too. As a couple we had lost our way. We’ve been in survival mode for awhile now truthful.

Priorities

The kids have always been the primary focus! My most important priority! We go through these moves from one state to another, leaving our family, friends and anything familiar behind and it can be traumatizing for us. We all have our own different views and experiences with each new adventure. 

It’s my job to make the transition as smooth as I can for them! Everything is about not jacking up the kids so that they won’t need therapy as adults! I can be losing my mind but I keep it as good as I possibly can for my kids, no matter what. I want to make every new transition fun, exciting, smooth…safe! I work hard at this! But Jason and I just go through the motions during all this! Because we both have work to do and taking care of each other during these transitions isn’t a thought or even a priority at the time. 

I have my job to handle and he has his…that’s it. Separate.

Building Up The Courage

I have missed being in a relationship with Jason. We have lived separated lives for awhile now and it’s heartbreaking! It doesn’t just hurt me and him, it hurt our kids. They need us to be rock solid, to give this family a good sound foundation. We need to get our s**t together for them! But also for us…this relationship right now is making me feel old. This relationship that we have right now does not represent us at all. I want to get back to us!

Now talking with Jason was not something I was looking forward to. I could see it now… the deflection, the defensiveness, the crying, and in the end getting nowhere but knowing I just added to the stress and distance! I just didn’t want to go there! 

Maybe I would just try little things and try to turn the wheel of this crappy relationship in some of my actions…maybe with a few different words here and there…??? Would  subtle hints works? 

Well that crap didn’t work at all! No hints were picked up in the slightest! I actually started to feel more frustrated and more alone than I did before!

I tried to get this house in order by unpack the rest of the boxes by myself and not ask for help once! By buying furniture that we talked about for storage and even put it together myself so he wouldn’t have to! I stopped sharing anything with him that was negative or going to cause extra stress, even if it was causing me extra stress!

The plan was to take things off his plate, even when mine is already over flowing and it was not received well at all. I was actually accused of going behind his back! Now I’m the one who being distance and not trying? How did this happen?  

Here I am thinking that I am lighten his load and being a team player and in doing this, Jason would reengage with his family. He would be there for his son and our marriage would just get better, stronger! I thought taking on more would make me the hero and I would be helping but in reality, I was making myself a martyr with a just cause.

But after this failed attempt something broke in me. I was so tired of being a single parent and in a lonely marriage. I missed my partner in this life!

The Awkward and Conversation 

I decided to just talk! Straight forward, this is what’s up! I had no clue that those words were about to come out of my mouth! There wasn’t a plan to the things that I said. I had no clue that I was going to tell him we should be done.

The thing is, I didn’t mean that! What I felt was that we were not together anymore but I didn’t want it that way! He thought I had been thinking about this for awhile…NO! It just came out!

The last year being isolated and alone, my kids needs being 100% on me, my frustrations, his deflection, it had all added up! I was going to ugly cry and shaky the hell out of him with my words, even though I had no clue what is was I would say. It all just happened. I woke him up alright!

It’s Out Now

He was mad. He left and I sat alone…again. S**T! What did I do! He’s a good guy who’s been spoiled too, just like the kids! I didn’t say the right things and now I’ve made everything worse! What could I do but sit there alone and cry!

Now, I was mad too! I was left alone again by him! Sometimes I want to leave! F***! I want to leave a lot but I don’t! I stay here! All my sadness was now turning into bitterness fast! 

How Grown Ups Fight…

Then the text messages started to fly back and forth…how mature of us! We’re killing this adult thing! Then my daughter walks in and see my puffy swollen eyes. “Mommy, what’s wrong?” she asked.  I told her nothing and that I’m fine and I just love her so much, all  I needed was a big hug! She gave me a hug and then looked at me and said “You and Dad are worse then Tristan and me. “You know what, kid? You’re right!” I thought to myself, we are acting like little kids.  I hugged her again and tried to assure her that we were fine.

Flash Back

I remember being her as a kid and listen to my parents fight. Watching one of them leave and the other one left behind. They would say that they were fine but I knew they weren’t. You could feel the tension throughout the house and all around them. The atmosphere would change in our home. It wasn’t a place you wanted to be. The air was heavy and sad, we were uncomfortable and would walk on eggshell so not to cause another spark. If I hadn’t already felt like a giant A-hole before, now I really did! Man! I suck! This is not what I want for my family. We needed to do better.

 

Breaking Through

Jason walked back in to our room and more awkward words were exchanged between us. He was wrong, I was wrong. We both had extended ourselves far beyond sanity! Our focus has not been clear at all in some time. We ended our conversation for that moment and later continued it again that night. Then the next and the next. This wasn’t going to be fixed in a day but it wasn’t the end of us either.

In these many different conversations, I found out some deep things about the inner working of Jason’s brilliant mind. Why he works so hard at work things and loses focuses on family things. The way he strives for excellence in his career and getting to that next level but neglecting us in the process.  His struggles to feel contentment or even be okay with that in his life without feeling stagnate or a failure. I knew some of these things about him because I know the way he works. However, he’s never share the struggles that he feels or why he thinks the things that he does. That was powerful for me and I so appreciate him letting me in this way. I needed to know. I hope he will continue talking to me.

I too had to share how I was feeling in our relationship and how the kids are viewing their Dad right now. I’ve been balances a lot and not well, honestly. The way I am, is to take the path of least resistance, so if I feel like I am going to be met with deflection, guilt, denial or any judgments, I just won’t even speak to that person about anything. Keeping everything inside until one day I totally explore! I don’t want to fight and have to prove my every word or feeling that I have so if I feel like that’s going to happen than, I’m out!  To be clear this doesn’t mean you can’t feel different than I do! You can and that’s fine but don’t tell me that I don’t feel the way I do or something that I am currently living isn’t happening. I’ll turn you off in a second and the chances of me opening up to speak you again about anything is over. 

Also, I had to let Jason in on how my mind works as well. I still don’t think he gets it and that’s probably a really good thing. That means he has never ever been struck down with my kind of depression or anxiety; the kind that changes the person that you really are, the soul crushing type. He can’t relate to me and I am thankful for that! However, I wish he could sympathize a little more with me too.

I have a mental illness (still feel gross saying that out loud) and that sucks big time. Keeping this in check and making sure my feelings and my words are mine is so important for me to do. I wanted him to know what happens inside my mind and to my thoughts when depression and anxiety hits and how bad it is when it lingers. How it effects my body, my ability to move and make decisions! My fears and frustrations go up to unreal levels!

I struggle with actually being alone and just feeling alone, not having anyone to talk with or having anyone to relate to, even laughing or just being able to share anything in my life with another person.  This constant pressure on me to keep us all moving forward  and be happy, to have it all together, it becomes so heavy that I think it’s going to kill me at times. Seriously, the stress of it makes me sick, physically and mentally! 

I sure as hell didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t make this family alone, I don’t want to care for it alone either. I become irrational and finally, I shut down. It’s the scariest and most helpless, loneliest feeling ever. 

Off To A Good Start

How thankful I am to be in this place even after the headaches, the fights and all the tears. We all need to do that once in awhile. It shakes you up and makes you think about what’s really worth fighting for.

I am not the easiest person to live with, I know that. My parents raised a headstrong women and I am glad they did! But sometimes I can be to much. I think I can do it all and that I don’t need anyone but it only makes me bitter thinking that way. God gave me a partner to share life with. I need to share life with Jason and he needs to share it with me. We haven’t been great at this. This is something we will work on.

Knowing that I have someone that is looking out for me and protecting me and this family changes me. I feel adored and secure. I feel loved and I need that. It seems like things just fall into place when those needs are being met.

Jason needs a to know that I admire him and look to him to guide the family as the man of our home but that his not doing it alone. I’ll be here as his wife and friend. I will encourage and love him in the good and the bad times. I am not going anywhere. The balance of work and family might start to come easier to him when he becomes be the leader he is meant to be and we work together with open communication.

In 2019

I can only hope and pray that with all the new changes that have happen to this family, that 2019 will be a great year for us.

Giving the kids the ground rules and a routine to follow with both their parent following through.

Having a schedule in the house and running it. While keeping everyone on the same page.

Jason and I being a team, not as business partners but as husband and wive! Creating the solid foundation that gives life to all of this!

And of course, the things that I am going to make my focus this New Year…My spiritual life, along with my physical and mental health.

This is the end about this crazy family sage for now. Maybe 2019 be a blessing for each and everyone of you!

THE END

xoxo sk

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