The Search is over.
“The greatest fear that human beings experience is not death, which is inevitable, but consideration of the distinct possibility of living a worthless life.”
― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls
Mission: My Life
I’ve always had a strange compulsion to keep moving, that nothing I do will ever be good enough. So I keep pushing, overthinking, questioning, trying and learning…and it’s hurts.
This pressure builds upon itself over and over, everyday getting heavier and heavier. This jacks my anxiety up to a 10! All of this drive is totally based on fear of judgement, by the way. I have a terrifying fear of being labeled lazy or a user. So I kill myself, by being a people pleasures, trying to make myself valuable to others, always staying busy. I want to always being doing some that’s contributing to my family, my community, my world. If I’m not doing these things then I feel like I’m failing and I am being a burden.
Search for importance
The searching for contentment has been a struggle for me because of my need for importance. The search for importance in my life couldn’t be move clear! I have just been so stuck in my own head to really see it! It’s right here in front me!
Excepting what I am good at and not being ashamed of that. I say that I’m not good at something far more often than I will ever say that I am good a anything, even if others have even me praise in that area as well. I need to be better at me kind to myself in this way.
Being a Mom is hard and I doubt there is anyone who gets it right 100% right all the time but I love the job even if it exhausted me and I fail at. I ‘m doing my best by these little people and I am blessed to be able too. Truly, I don’t often reflect on that fact that being their mom is a 24/7 job with no days off, not ever. I should be tired sometimes and I should get a damn nap! It’s very emotional in both good and not so good ways. If I cry or lose my temper, I shouldn’t get shamed or cuss myself out for that! My kids are my everything, heart and soul and so I will cry sometimes and that’s good! Losing my temper will happen because I am a human first every time, these are teaching moment that I can use for them later because I am a Mom second always. I wish I’d be better about loosen my mental grip in my brain about trying to be perfect in parenting! The fact is on my worst day, I am a better mom then most on their best!
I’m wife! This fact use to stress me…like I have another face to feed, another person keep up after another person who needs me to find things for them and give them my attention. But what this really means is I am not doing this life alone. I have a team mate. If I feel overloaded somewhere I need to be able to rely on this person to help lighten my load. He is the other parent so he should help me with that highly stress, important and so honorable job in this life. There’s another person to share my thoughts, my dreams, my fears with. Someone to make me laugh and keep me safe. Someone you can trust to alway be there and be close to you no matter what kind of day you’re having. Good, bad or even both at the same time that person is your lifeline.
I have a home to take run. I was told awhile back that I’m the CEO of our home. This was to give me another view on my importance here in this house where I clean up discuss things daily. I tend to feel very low around here at times…maybe just a nanny or maid! Never someone who makes big decisions and tells people what to do, I’ve not felt as if I’m running anything. I have felt more like I am treading water feverishly trying not to drown! But this new perspective helped me. I’m in charge of this house.
I know all the dates of everything that’s happening around here and make sure that everyone is where they’re suppose to be on time! All the supplies for the house, I get and what is needed for the people who live here is my job too, including the way those things are bought. I’m at all the meetings, make the appointments and take care of all the phone calls. I do the all the task from big to small, then I pass on that information to other people here that need it. This is another job that I can’t get a break from, no days off because it’s important!
Trusting myself, giving my past, my pain and worries to God. These moments that I feel confident are flitting. I wish I could be better about trusting in the person that God has made me to be and making HIM prove Himself to me! The moments where I think I am the worse of all the worse there ever was. Those times are so dark. I wish they were taken away and never returned. I could give it all to God and leave it there. He could wash it all away but I always return to pick up my heavy bags and I don’t know why that I do this? I pray that one day I’ll leave them at HIS feet.
Being this way is good
I’ll never be totally okay but I’m realizing now that maybe that’s a good thing. If I was fine all the time I would wouldn’t look help. I search for help at God feet, I pray. I look for God and search for peace and love in my friends, my family, my marriage and everything all the time! If I was just fine always I wouldn’t need to. If I was totally content all time, I would never question anything, never strive. I wouldn’t need to try or explore new things and see what worked for me. The exploring would stop!
I have a house and kids, a husband and many passions that I love! My dogs, my writing, reading, the outdoors, music, so much and all these responsibility are mine! I have a life that God has called to! I need to be part of it and stop wait of the side lines, scared and fearful! Searching for my mission, my purpose for this life is in plain view.
“I do not want to die empty”
― Malebo Sephodi