There I was in a house that’s torn apart! It’s torn in so many ways.
I asked for 45 minutes to take a damn shower and call my doctor back. I don’t have tiny, baby children. My kids are are 13 and 8. 45 minutes to myself is doable! Right?
Our home is still a mess from trying to unpack and settle in. I’m recovering from a head cold and haven’t felt great. You know as a mom that doesn’t matter, you get up handle shit everyday, there’s no sick days! So this is our life for weeks now. But it’s adding up.
The fighting is content from these two little maniacs! They have no regard for other people or this home. The carelessness is getting to me. Im sick of talk about things and there’s no change. I’ve become a maid, a nanny, slave to everyone! I feel so defeated by these kids. What happened?
My 45 minutes was interrupted with screams and yelling, so many knocks on the door asking questions they already knew the answers too.
I come out of my room realizing this time I needed isn’t going to happen, to see that house is in worse shape. Both kids are on some type of electronic. I feel myself getting hot.
I do some self talk. I tell myself to chill out, “ask them calmly if they have finished their chores and homework?” Don’t show an attitude! I can do this, I tell myself. Don’t snap!
I ask my daughter nicely. I get the look of death and somehow her homework is my fault and her chores are like “whatever”.
Walk away fast I tell myself, you’re going to snatch her up! Get away from her! Then I go to my son and ask the same. He throws his headphones off, with disgust in his eyes he gets up to finish up his chores. He goes to empty the trash and makes as much Noise as possible, flings the door open and then slams it behind him!
As that’s happening, our dogs are crying and jumping at my feet. I ask my daughter did you feed the dogs? She says, “I guess I will” and under her breath she says, “if you won’t!” This is her chore! I pay her! What the hell!!
I’m heated now and the voice in my head I can’t hear anymore. I yell “what have I done wrong to make you think it’s okay to be this lazy?”
Then my son from outside yells from the window, what did you say? So I repeat it. “What did I do to make you both lazy kids?”
He says back to me, “oh, good.”
You know that mad that makes you cry and then you’re even more mad because you’re crying? I’m past that mad. I’m so disappointed.
I have really great, honest, respectful, very bright and talented children. Somewhere along the line, in the last few months we had a huge break down and now I’m having one.
FUCK! I scream! I know bad mommy moment. I tell both of them to go away from me! I’m so pissed and so disappointed that I can’t even speak to them.
I know I’m not going to be to reasonable right now with them. I need to talk to someone. So I called both my sisters but they don’t pick up. I call my parents and they don’t pick up. I call my husband and he tells me that he’s busy, still with someone… okay, I’m alone and this is why I always feel this way. I call my mother in law, The Meg. Thank God she answers the phone!
We talk for maybe 20-30 minutes and she calms me down. She guides me. I’m good, I got this. But more importantly, I see that this is my fault. I haven’t been following through with them which has in fact made them lazy little monsters.
I do everything for them! I take the road of less resistance and for that they can’t do anything for them selves. I have screwed them up.
We need to fix this.
The meeting is next and so far this been a lifesaver.