So Close I can feel it
It seems like if I do something wrong to someone it’s a big deal? But if I’m hurt or wronged in someway then I’m just being dramatic? mmm? This is confusing to me.
I going to be real honest here. I can be jerk. This is NOT a shinning moment for me or anything and I have been on a personal journey for the last 2 years of self discovery and bettering myself. It’s true, I have quite a bit of work to do.
At 38 years old, I’m already a tattered, ripped up old book and this describes me well. You can imagine an old dust, beat up book, pages ripped and torn! The book is still useful, just as I believe that I am. It has lots of good ideas and information and inside stories and it can still be very entertaining and this is also me! But over the years it hasn’t been treated well and maybe even abused, now with torn pages and a bit raggedy this books looks tried, this is also me.
It was just over two years go that I made a huge swift in my life and moved from the only place I knew, Colorado and moved to Minnesota with my kids and husband. That was a hard decision for us but exciting too.
I had to no clue what was about to happen to me, mentally, emotionally and quite frankly physically! It was a very cold and difficult time for me but it was also the wakening that I needed. Even though I wish it could have been less painful on my heart.
I found that I am a much stronger person than I ever knew I was. And not just strong in being able to lift and carry all my daughters’ furniture from downstairs to upstairs, which I did but mentally strong too.
I am in fact the very strongest in my weakness. I know that may make no sense to many people and it didn’t to me either for a long time but I get it now that I have live through it.
Growing up I wasn’t able to cry or show real emotion.
After year of holding in my emotions, I stoped crying and never really cried much ever again and even other people crying made me feel uncomfortable. When situations would arise that would require an emotional response I usually reacted like a jerk.
I used humor to hide my pain and to deal with other peoples pain. I become and am to this very day a master at sarcasm! There’s an arsenal of witty come backs and one liners in this head of mine on standby for any situation!
It was about 6 months in to our move that I broke down. I realized just how very alone I was and all the things that I thought that matter now didn’t, my world was upside down.
I was raising two kids by myself, as Jason was on the road 24/7 and my family was no where in site. No one come to see us at all. The things I thought to know as truth were not. I was learning a new truth and it was painful.
I sat alone in a big house, in the cold of Minnesota alone, everyday.
In the beginning, I would spend the days cleaning and cleaning, then organizing. I would try to drive to Target or the grocery to feel like I had something I needed to do. But I soon found out that I had nothing to offer in any conversation anymore.
It was all about Jason and his new adventure and I was his nanny. I never even got to fly home to visit my friends or family but once on my Dads Birthday and it was like pulling teeth! In less than 48 hours I was back in Minnesota prison!
I started to feel trapped and the nightmares that I had been having were becoming my new reality.
It was depressing. The freezing temperatures were getting to my body and causing me terrible pain all over, then the depression… oh God the depression was terrible.
I wanted sleep forever. I saw no reason to get out of bed ever again. Why when I had no purpose, nothing to look forward too. I was less than a hamster in a cage!
The pain in my bones was so terrible that I decided to get out of bed and take a hot shower to warm me up. I’ll never forget looking at myself in the mirror naked. I didn’t know that person.
She was straight up fat, so pale and sick looking. She was gross.
I got in the shower and really paid attention to the new body I was washing and I hated it. It was so repulsive to me. I had always been in shape and strong, fit! What happened?
When I got out of the shower and I stepped on the scale, the first time in 6 months, I have gained over 40 pounds! I didn’t even see it happen. F U depression!
How did I let this happen to myself? How did I end up hating myself so much that I actually started to kill myself too?
This was when I knew I had “it” really bad and I couldn’t fix me alone.
I went to a doctor and got help. This by far was the best thing I ever did for myself but my journey didn’t stop there.
My doctor saw that I had a history of “mood” changes over the years and I had been through a lot changes in the the last 6 month on top of that. I took several test, Q & A and blood, which answered so much!
I didn’t “just” have a touch of depression, I had severe depression and anxiety! We started treatment right of away.
I was put on meds of course and this changed a few times to get right. I noticed a difference within 2 weeks, I was able to just be calmer. I’m so thankful for this!
The doctor had me right down all the things the caused me anxiety or pain, anything at all that made my sad. Then I went down the list with my doctor and my husband and tried to fix those things.
For example, I couldn’t sleep at night because I was alone and the only one there to protect the kids if anything were happen so we bought a security system. I started to sleep better.
I started journaling, yoga, and forcing myself to go outside even if it was freezing, for at lease 15 minutes. All this helped shake off some of those heavy feeling but I still didn’t feel like I had a real purpose. The brawling my eyes out in my closet still happened from time to time. Still there was so much work to do.
I was still a Mom and that was cool and I was a wife but that was lacking majorly. I had nothing for myself. Until one day I stumble upon WordPress and started this little blog fabricthatmademe.com https://fabricthatmademe.com/
So much for me started to feel better at once, I was able to write and share with other people. I started to feel like maybe I do fit somewhere? Writing made me feel like I did have something to offer people. That was just a year ago now.
I made a friend too and that changed my life forever. I never planned on making a friend because I knew that I was one messed up cookie! But I did and her family became mine and I love them so much. They made our time in Minnesota worth it!
There is still a list and now with this new move to California I’ve had to added to the list. I have even added my anxiety meds back that I was once able to stop. But the fact that I was able to stop taking them gives me hope this isn’t a forever thing and I can get there again.
Today Is November 18, there’s no reason why I picked today. I have just decided I wanted my body to work better, to feel better. So today after I publish this post I going to gym for the first in years.
I’m not doing this to be a size 5, although that would be amazing! No, I want to be see what this does for my head and maybe the bonus will be that I get a better looking body.
I’m going to continue writing on my mental health for the next few post because right now that’s what’s ruling my life. Happiness is just not a thing for me, no matter how much a try. So for now I am going to settle on a clear mind and see where that gets me.
There’s so much I want to change because I am NOT happy with my life and I feel like a fat jerk for that. So before I make any decision I’m going to get a clear mind.
I’ll see ya’ll next time.