It was right there…
How much I have taken for granted. I wanted to explore and see the world, to show my kids everything. To experience more than the boundaries that we knew. It all sounded so good. I wanted a place that I felt understood, a place that I fit in. The need to escape my prison was killing me inside. We wanted this change so badly and we got it. But the prison…I never escaped that. I am now upside down in a maze. Everyday’s a change, something different but I am still trapped. The familiar that we once knew is gone.
A place I never knew…
I don’t recognize these places or who I am anymore. These experiences have changed me so deeply that I don’t recognize the person I am. There’s some good changes and some sad ones too.
All these streets and faces are unrecognizable to me. I’m a stranger everywhere I go and even to myself. The searching and planning, the adventures never ends but now it’s becomes tire some. No more excitement…mostly fear and emptiness. Some things never change.
We can go wherever the road takes us, within the limits of where we are told. There’s such freedom in this life and yet so much constraint, it’s sicking. Like a flash, we hit the road and believed it was fine. We did it quick, ripping the band-aide off to minimize the pain but there was still pain. What would this life would be like, if we could be brave for once? Were we being brave though?
The kids will understand, we said. They’ll see, that all we needed was us four, we told ourselves? It’ll all be alright, you said time and time again. Now that’s a common phase in our life, “it’s gonna be alright”. Keep saying it and maybe you’ll believe it.
We’ve always done “the right thing” or so we believed. We’ve always played it safe. Trying to coloring in the lines is the safe thing to do, so that’s what we did. Heaven forbid, we do something different than ever disappoint.
Once upon a time, we got the chance to take that risk, to not play it so safe anymore and we took it! Our life as we knew them were now over and a new adventure awaited us. We stood together and we believed in this at one time! The ground I stand on is shaky now.
The time had come to live a new life that was outside our comfort zone, outside the life we’ve known. It all happened so fast! We were so excited for the change, we believed in it so much. I was ready to be brave with you! I wanted it! We went for it!
But now what? Do we believe in it now? Do we stand together anymore? What page are you on? What book am I in? We are living different lives for sure now…separate lives all together. Just holding on to hope that our lives will meet in the middle again someday.
I worked so hard for that home that we had. We fought, we struggled, we worked ourselves to tears! When I got those keys, it was like my wedding day. This was the day I’d dreamed of forever, to have a home like this! Yes! This was the dream I’d had since I was a child. No big parties or white ball dresses. All I wanted was a home with you and a happy family. Living a normal life.
I’d wanted this beautiful home, to raise a family, make memories, celebrate together, to grow old…to grow together! A safe place for my family and friends to come just the way they are. This was our peace…and it felt go.
I was happy and proud of our hard work and all it took. We did it better than anyone and that was something to be proud of! All without help, without one dime from anyone, we made our dream come true! We did that! We worked towards a common goal. That was us and everything that we wanted. We proved so much to everyone and ourselves! Than we gave it away, to escape the mundane, day-to-day. We lost sight of the good, we forgot what it took and all we had been through to get there! It started to feel heavy, boring and we let go…we gave it away.
My dreams are fuzzy now. I can’t pinpoint anything I want anymore. Do you dream? Do you know what you want? What will make you happy because I don’t know anymore.
Now I take it day-to-day in the same way that we did before…some things never change I guess. What am I living for? What’s the point of all this? What am I doing? Sometimes, I forget why I even wake up. Is your laundry? The dishes? To cook you another meal? What my purpose anymore…I don’t know.
My kids.They are the reason, the only things to keep pushing me. I smile for them, no matter how much I hurt inside, I still smile. I go to the school, make the meetings, pack the lunches, read the books and do the homework. I make myself what they need me to be.
I am but a servant on a hamster wheel anymore.
Learning the hard way…
I wanted find myself even though it scared me. There were things from back home that I missed of course but that soon passed. After a while that place wasn’t home anymore, I had no home. It was just a place with people, I use to know. Those people never really knew me…not really.
Now I had found a voice, while living in this new place. My eyes were seeing new things and I was free to choose which direction I walked. I was growing stronger, more confident. You weren’t there to stop me now and liked myself and hated myself for that. Although, I felt guilty for my new-found power and become something else, something more I still continue to develop and change.
Why did I feel stronger in some ways without you and weaker in others? This tore at me, kept me up at night and broke my heart. Eventually, I found people who made me happy in my life but still couldn’t deny my homelessness.
A wanderer then and still now…with a family who needs roots to be planted but we are unable too. Being planted is not part of our story but rooted in other things…sure we are.
This walking, breathing contradiction…a lost paradox, is me. How can I be good and bad, lost and found, happy and sad, lonely and crowed at all once? How? None of this makes sense to me.
A place for us…
I feel a bit lost each day, I wipe the sleep from my eyes hoping for good news to come my way.Yes, the wandering has gotten old. Trying for something that will never be, no matter how hard we try…our mistakes follow us. We did this together but I trusted you. We are paying for it now!
Wanting to say something but I can’t. I feel gagged, choked. Be quite, it’s not worth the conflict and hurt. Wanting to change and to do better but I’m restrained, I’m stuck. Can’t handled being so confined…I’m so claustrophobic so I run away, I hide.
I want to scream! These invisible restraints are suffocating me, crushing me and driving me mad. You tell me that you’re so easy…No, I am held hostage on the daily. I’ll take the blame, I could have done more I suppose but I was molded this way. Don’t fight it, forget it.
All I’m looking for is a place to drink my coffee in the morning sunshine and a place to decorate for the holidays. A spot to celebrate birthdays with balloons on the kids bedrooms doors and cuddle on our couch with popcorn, for movie nights. A cozy place to cook Sunday dinner and pack school lunches. A home to care for this family.
I may never be anything great but a mother, I am. Let me do that.
The heaviness has to dissipate. Our hard work needs to show for something. Don’t you want it to? I want to stop giving in and giving up! The things that need to be done, are blindly being ignored, carless thrown to the side, like it will all disappear. It actually won’t always be alright. Inaction is an action too. It’s be alright…I can’t stand to hear that a second more. I don’t care anymore but I want too.
My heart’s desire…
I don’t know where my roots will be planted or if these roots will be planted at all. Maybe there’s just no good soil for me. However, I do know who I want to grow with. If God will see it that way. Can there be a resolve? What will it take to keep fighting the good fight? Do we want this fight anymore?
I want wake up different, do more than just “hope” for a good day but actively be living a good life, a life that’s cared for? Not handled like a football or treated the way that you drive.
Do you know what gets me by? What saves my life? It’s the small group of people who I try to connect with everyday, the ones I try to be a light for. It’s the freedom in these words that I’m sure I’ll pay for later. It feels good to release them from my heavy soul. My kids, that I love…they need some type of normalcy. I only wish I had a home to give them… a place to rest their head. May be even a Mom who was constantly messed up. I’m sorry.