Saving my life one pill at a time
I take medication to keep myself emotional and mental balanced. I’m not ashamed to say it. I know it’s something that I need. This world can be a bit too much for a messy girl like me. God made me to be, empathic, emotional, convicted and loyal. Even when it’s painful, I’m always her. A person that feels this deeply, who’s trigger by just about anything…ends up having a very loud mind, a tender heart but has a resilient, faithful soul. So if taking a pill helps…I will and I do.
Jesus Take The Wheel
I’m learning that I need more than meds to balance me, to keep that drowning feeling away. God sets my path and keeps me safe. However, my head seems to get in the way of discerning His voice. I need the Holy Spirit to quite my head and stop the racing and trembling in my chest. Help me to be still, so that I can hear Him and feel His presence again.
The Spirit moves in me but the fire is but a small spark at times. This is where the meds come in. I don’t want to rely on them to wake me up, make me alert…make me feel like I’m worth the effort but if I’m going to honest…I totally do. They get me out of myself and easy the panic so I can join the world.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t rely on God to lead me, to walk with me through the kaleidoscope of my days. I absolutely do. I am on my knees, in prayer over and over, going to Him to save my life… again! He always, always comes through. I know, I may get lost but my Shepherd keeps watch over me, no matter where I wander to. I can never be to “too lost” for Him to find. I trust fully in this and am so grateful that I can NEVER be to far.
Fear Of Life
Too many times I have wondered, why I am where? What I am do? Where should go from here? Am I doing any of this life right at all? I don’t think I am alone in asking these questions or feeling this way. I’m sure plenty of people from time to time may think to themselves about the big meaning for they life and question the hell out of it.
What I’m working on, is move forward. I have a nasty tendency to pack up and live in my confusion and frustration, letting it eat at me and get me spinning. I’ll get so scared of making a bad decision, that I just stop making any decisions at all.
This has to stop but even as I type these words, I know that I won’t. I have been in this panicky cycle since, I was a kid. The worry of disappointment in myself but mostly to others, the judgement that I’ll receive, is terrifying to me. The effects that my choices have on others, is heavy and it’s agonizing! It all adds up and what’s left is a messy, emotional girl, who’s scared of her own stupid shadow! A girl who’s so back and forth between being okay and not, that the people around her think that she might actually be crazy. Well, that girl agrees most days. She feels crazy. No amount of meds can’t fix the scared kid inside her.
So She Prayers
The one thing that keeps me safe in my own head, is prayer. Growing in faith with a family of other strong believers, only helps strengthen me in my weakest times.
I remember reading in Carl Lentz book called, Own The Moment, about a conversation that he had with one of his kids. His child said “do we have to go to church”? and Carl replied back to his child “no, but we get to go“.
This tiny part, of such a big amazing book has stuck with me for many reasons. The main one being this…I get to be with other believers, worshiping an Amazing God! We holding each other up in praise and love. It’s something so strong, so moving..It makes you stronger, whether you mean for it to or not. It’s more than a feeling…It’s The Holy Spirit moving in you and it’s the greatest high, you’ve ever felt. It changes you. How blessed we are to GET TO GO!
Having a family of faithful followers in Christ keeps you accountable for the life you are choosing to live. What I mean by that is, pure truth in love. What kind of Mom or Dad are you? What you do spend your time and money on? How do you treat people?
If you’re in need of some truth, a faithful person will give it to you and love you all the same. There’s no judgement, only The Word to direct your steps. This faithful family will help to clear the clouds of confusion, that your living in. It may not feel great at time but you’ll be glad they were there to be your lifejacket. I’ve been on both sides and I am thankful for having some truth and love in my life. Having a church family, a faithful family, will save your life.
Happy Pills Hurts
Which brings me back to my medicine and what my truth is now, because it all has changed so much. See, I haven’t been without strong medicine carrying me for over 8 years. I have taken some type of pill on and off, for either female issues or depression/anxiety for about 20 years. I’m not taking pain medication, it’s migraines that are so painful, they cause me to have “an episode” which looks like a stroke. It’s depression and anxiety that’s so bad, my extremities go numb and I’ll blackout! The panic attacks are too real! The medications for this have terrible side effects. It’s nightmare trying to weight out the pros and cons of it all. When you’re desperate for relief, you’ll do almost anything including suffer the side effects!
I’m to a point now that I think this medications that once made me live a somewhat normal life, are now hurting me. They have lost their effectiveness in solving any issues, yet I’ve kept all the nasty side effects, for the most part.
The choice to be happy is a battle for me, even with my strong faithful. It’s like telling me that if I just believed hard enough, I could see without my glasses and I wouldn’t need them anymore. It just doesn’t work that way.
Here comes the balance between the once much needed Happy Pill and my faith…I need both. My mind gets to overwhelmed with life, I need extra help to get me through. I’m fragile in so many ways and having both a strong faith and helpful medications…well…it makes me a happier, healthier me.
I would walk around just a hollow shell of a person without both these things in my life. The real me feel safe to come out and play, join the world when the balance right.
Here’s to balance and the love, guidance and patience of a faithful family and the right medications. I’ll get this right… one day at a time.