I seem to be having a rough go of it.
I live in a place that is entirely foreign to me. I feel like nothing makes sense here. It almost feels wrong to be here at times. Pasting people as I walk through the neighborhood here, I feeling like an unwelcome visitor. Every single day I walk in this community with these people that I live around, I smile at them, trying to make some eye contact to another humanbeing but I am invisible to them. I never recive a smile or even a sideways look in return…I am invisble. Holding onto hope I keep smiling and saying “Hello, good morning.”…maybe someone will see me. Does everyone here lives inside themselves this way? How sad.
This alien place is truly beautiful, the sun is shining constantly, blue skies everyday, magnificent butterflies and hummingbirds everywhere! The plant life here is stunning! There’s so much beauty here but yet the people who I pass by daily seem so underwhelmed…so unhappy. I feel so very unwelcome here, as if I’m in the way.
Everything here is overwhelming, it’s fast-paced, chaotic and stressful.. it’s manic. Taking a deep breath here is hard. There’s a constant pressure on my chest. I am not settled, a square try to fit into a circle. I don’t know where I am…lost.
I keep thinking this feeling will pass and things will get better. We’re only in a temporary spot. It won’t feel this way forever, this uneasiness…this uncomfortableness …this overwhelming feeling will pass. I will have some normalcy again one day. Eventually, I’ll find some kindness, a smile, a friend. I just hold onto hope that, that will happen. We just need to give it more time. But I still have a long time before that day comes.
So until then I’ll do what I do. Cry a little, writing when I can, let the music keep me company and praying…. pray a lot.