Happier

Music makes us feel things. It takes us back, helps us to process the madness in our minds.

This song sparked something in me.

 

The Song

Happier- Marshmello ft. bastille

Have you ever heard a song and immediately been taken back to a time or place? All the feelings that you felt back then come rushing back all at once. Music, for me helps me to process my feelings, my thoughts and sometimes to just get a bit of clarity that I didn’t have before. It gives me a prospective that maybe I didn’t consider before.

Listening to music keeps us from feeling alone, like we’re the only ones on Earth who feel the way we do. These songs give us strength, comfort and  help us to comprehend whatever we’re going through. We feel less alone.

The Music Is Taking Me…

As I work through the day on the many different task at hand, the computer or my phone will shuffle through random songs for me to listen to. My playlist is full of different types of music from Classical guitar to 80’s remix! There’s Country and Todays hits to Christian Pop! All the way to R&B to Old school rap and Alternative mashups…pretty much everything! This is how I’ve work since back in my homework days, always having music playing in the background.

Changing The flow

There’s songs that just catch me and change my flow. This song, Happier- By Marshmello ft. Bastille, did that me. The first time I listened to it,  I just simple listened as it played in the back ground, when it was over I quickly replayed it! The song hit me! I listened for the second time, this time with more attention given to every word. Next thing I knew I was in tears. I was feeling….so many contrasting feelings.

See music…songs…lyrics, do that to us. They reach the places no one else can get to. As a kid I didn’t have many friends and I like most teens I grew up being misunderstood and felt alone. I spent most my time alone with my music and writing.

Then I saw the video…WOW. My only friend, a pug. This was all I had. Maybe that’s why this song moved me that way it did. But I’ll get to that in minute. 

Remembering

I replayed this song, Happier maybe 100 times. There were many different thoughts that came through my fragile mind. My sisters and my patents, my friends, my little family and then there’s that one thing that I’ve always struggled with …. Loneliness.

Listening to these words, images of my sisters and I started to run through my head. I cried and cried. What I would give to have us all close. The distance between us is far more than geographically. Sure, I talk to them but it’s not the same. All the terrible things that have been said can never be taken back. The silence…we can say we’re fine with all this but are we? We’re living our lives but seriously, we can’t be happy with the way it is. I’m not.

Back In The Day

I miss the days when we were just kids making up games and playing pretend. I miss the life we had before we thought our adult life was superior to one another. Do we means the things we’ve said? The nasty things we’ve done? God, I hope not! Life has got gotten so complicated and it makes me so sad. I want my sisters happy and I want us together again. I dream of a day that we can all be happy together, supportive for each other and reliable! No more leaving.

  

Forgetting

My parents, I want them happy.

While living in Colorado, my little family of 4 and my parents were together all the time. My parents ruled all my decisions, whether they meant to or not. Moving away was a good thing for me but I never thought it would separate us the way it has. I thought we were closer than this. Things have changed so drastically.

I think about my parents and feel so many different things. It’s all really conflicting! This song pulls my heart in so many ways. I want my parents happier, I do.

Me leaving Colorado has made my Mom happier in some ways. She is closer to my other sister in Mass. and I am glad about that. She seems to have opened her self up to new things and I have as well. This is a good thing for both of us in some ways. Maybe the fact that I had to leave, to make her happier seems a bit sad but it’s not all sad. Our relationship lacks in some areas and that plain sucks at times. We haven’t defined a new way of being with each other since I moved away and we have struggled ever since.

With both my parents, I feel like I would be happier if they were. I don’t believe I’ll be fully happy until they are.

My Dad and I have mastered the “I’m fine” and “It’s fine” but people who care see right through that. There’s a part in this song about changing your mind because what’s happening doesn’t feel right…I think when that feeling comes (things don’t feel right) that’s when the “I’m fine” comes. I only say this because I do this also. Things don’t feel right but you make everything “fine” because you feel like you have too at the time. You’re trying to make everyone happier. I get it because I do it too.  It’s hard because it doesn’t always feel right but it keeps the peace at the time. That doesn’t work in the long run but we do it anyway.

The Music Video

I have suffer from loneliness forever.  It’s something I have dealt with since I was 5 years. I could be in a room full of people and still be the loneliness person in the room. I know…depressing.

My best friend, was my only friend.

For my 10th birthday, I was given a small, sassy pug, named Yoda. She was my only friend for 14 years. She licked away more tears than a child should ever cry. I am so thankful for her in though awkward and scary years. She always knew when I was not okay, she would come to my aid every time to comfort me. Yoda, made me Happier. Without a doubt she was my bright spot in a very rough time. Growing up in a world that was so confusing, cruel and unfair, I needed her far more than she needed me. Yoda, was by far the best thing that my parents did for me. I will be forever gratefully that they gave me this sweet companion, in the worst years of my life. She saved me. Joy was hard to find but Yoda did that for me. (not pictured)

This is my sister Jessica with her best friend, Dixie.

Buddy, my Black lab came to work with me everyday. He went through two pregnancy with me and many moves. My first real diagnosed bout of anxiety and depression. He was my saving grace. I can’t count the times I sat alone in my backyard and cried because I had no clue what on hell I was doing with my life. I felt like a complete moron, than he come to sit beside me and lay his head on my legs or lick my face. He thought I was great when I thought I was nothing.  I miss him everyday. He loved to take car ride with me. He was my constant companion in a time I was again left to figure how be…just be. Thank God for Buddy. Losing him was the worst. Our family still hurts.

Ella and Dozy are the only things I have when I am left in a foreign place, no friends, no family…no one. I would truly be alone without them. My worst case of depression ever was last year. My body was in pain, continuous pain, my mind was the most fragile I have ever been and my soul was dim. The only thing that raised my sprites beside my kids smiles, was these two furry babies. My support in the emotional and mental health was completely due to the love I found in these two. They both would lay with me in my closet as I would cry my heart out trying to get myself together before the kids would get home from school…they kept me going, they kept me from be alone.

 

God Spelled Backward Is Dog

My thoughts were in a dark place for a while being alone and misunderstood, will do that to you. My only constant friends in this world to never leave and change their mind whether they wanted to be with me anymore, have always been these friends. I am so thankful so them. When I actually watched this video I remembered how many times my friends have saved me. They have always made me happier.

In Closing

My life is a giant transition. I never really feel settled and this blog has been amazing for my mental and emotion health. Just as music has always been away that I express myself and also take care of myself.

I am thankful for this time to reflect and I hope and pray for day we all are happier…together.

I never expected this song would affect me the way it did. 

My parents, my sisters, the family distance and silence riffed between each other.  Questioning if we will ever be able to come together and why in the world we are okay with the way it is? Look at what we all are missing!

My past and future… the loneliness and the love of my only friends in this Constance transitional life our mine. It’s truly amazing how writing helps me to process my thoughts and the music stirs up the emotions inside me. Both these things in my life can be such a blessing and a cruse. However, I am grateful for the able to see the difference.

Lord you good. So good. And for this I am Happier.

xoxo sk