Deep thinking can be a incredibly dangerous place for me. I’ve always been someone who tends to overthink things and not always in the most positive of ways. I seem to always be looking for something, trying to fill the gap or hole but with what I’m never really sure.
Yesterday I sent my kids to Brand New school, in brand new state! Which might as well be a brand new planet because we are living in California! I sent them off with their hesitations up… they weren’t alone; my anxiety was high right along with their’s. It’s always scary coming to a new place! Even one that’s probably one of the most beautiful places that I’ve ever been. It’s normal to have hesitations. It’s normal to have anxiety. It’s normal to be scared, to be worried… right?
I kept my mind overly busy yesterday. I filled out more paperwork than I have filled out in my life. I have bought multiple homes, in different states and I still filled out more paperwork yesterday than ever IN LIFE! I answered multiple emails, made multiple phone calls, did multiple loads of laundry and cleaned every single room, every single floor, every single counter, cabinet, and surface… I walked over 13,000 steps yesterday just taking the dogs to the bathroom! I kept myself ridiculously busy!
All because I didn’t want to worry. I didn’t want to focus on anxiety! I didn’t want to think about being the horrible mom that I was sure I was being. I didn’t want to think about all the bills I have to pay! All the people in Minnesota that I had to leave or the people in Minnesota that I have to pay! I didn’t want to think where I was supposed to live in a couple months! I didn’t want to think about anything so I kept myself busy. I made myself mentally and emotionally exhausted.
In away, this is an improvement from what I used to do. There was no sleeping all day. There was no moping around depressed or sad. There was no tears at all! There was no feeling bad for myself… well, maybe there was a little of that. 🤔
Sweet relief came at 3:08 pm, when I walked to the school to pick up my babies. It was the best feeling ever to see my Gigi and Tristan walking hand in hand. Taking care of each other, smiles on their face! Soon as my Gracie saw me, she ran to me as fast as she could! Those sweet hugs are my favorite! Of course Tristan is 13 and in front of all his peers and just give me a little shoulder bump but it was enough to let me know that he was fine.
We walk to this quaint little coffee diner that’s just minutes from our home and had some decompression time and a drink to cool down. I walked inside to order our drinks as the kids sat at a table by themselves outside. I watch out the window, they smiled and giggled at each other as they started to dig through their backpacks. They were happy! They were getting along! This was weird… maybe we are on a new planet.
I came out with our drinks and they told me about their day! Of course there were different things that they were nervous about. They had made friends and had gotten to know people. They were finding their way a bit. It wasn’t the easiest way but they were finding it either way. I couldn’t help but just take in that moment. Happy.
The sky… The backdrop of this incredible moment. The blueness of the sky, the clouds just barely hovering over the mountains like a very light fog. My kids actually smiling and speaking to me! We’re having actual dialect! A real conversation… and it’s good. God! Seriously, You are good!
Would I be as thankful for this occasion…this awesome amazing moment in my life, where I can truly truly be thankful? Would I be this grateful, it wasn’t for all the dirt?… all the stress?… you know…all the hard stuff?! Would I actually be in love with this moment right now and thank the Lord for it,if wasn’t for all the hard stuff that got us to this moment right now?
There is a reason we go through things. We never know the reason at the time that we’re going through it. We have to trust that God has the big picture! He sees it all. We are always A work in progress, a never ending work of art. I know my story won’t really be over until I’m finally home with Him. So until that day, there will always be hard stuff. There will always be dirt, lessons to be learned and they’re always be times of growth! But this will always lead to true gratefulness! I will lean on God in true faith even more. I think this is called growing in faith!
The dirt is what keeps us grateful and keeps us humble. The hard stuff is what keeps us relying on God! To know with all our heart ♥️ and soul that God walks WITH us. He will see us through.
I am not settled. We still don’t know what we are doing but God does. I have faith in that.