Today I sent them on their way.
Today was their first day at a brand new school. Their anxiety was surely heightened! My daughter came to me with tears in her eyes this morning, telling me how nervous she was. You can tell from this picture that she’s a very outgoing girl. She has no problem meeting people, talking to people, she’s 8 going on 16. If I had to describe my Gigi, shy ☺️ would not be a word that I would use.
But how can I blame her, for her worry, her anxiety? I just can’t! I have moved her and her brother from school to school, from state to state. Of course, there are some things about this life that we live, I’m sure they both will be so happy they got to experience as they gets older.
For Right now those, she is not older… she is young… she is my sweet child and she can’t see around the corners and these unknowns are scary! To be honest it’s scary to me too, even as an adult.
Traveling across the country… hoping that everything goes perfect. Moving into a temporary place that you’re never been to before. Trusting strangers to make sure that everything is going to be right for you and your children, so that when you get there you can just start living…
Well..,just start living for a little while because this is after all only temporary housing. We are still searching for a place to call our home.
And what does that mean for our kids? Who’ve already started school here and have already starting learning this place and playing at the park and meeting friends at the pool! They have started walking through the neighborhoods and we’ve driven around the town and finding our way around this new place! What does this mean for me, who has to learn the streets and go to the grocery stores and coffee shops, doctors offices, pharmacies, post office? We’re exploring a place we won’t even be in.
Well, it means that this really is not a place that is anything to me…I will have to relearn everything again in 30 to 60 days… well shit… at times I think it’s all shit! It’s shit for me and Jason and it’s really major big stinky shit for the kids!
I cannot tell you the frustration I feel after writing that last damn paragraph! My sister keeps telling me “remember palm trees and beaches”! Yes palm trees and beaches are nice, the sun is always shining, the sky is always blue but I am always moving too. Never in one place long enough to get a grip of where I actually am. Can’t figure out my surroundings long enough to say that a place is truly home.
I guess that is OK for me but is it OK for my kids? Is it OK for them to move school after school after school, even after 30 to 60 days? What kind of mother am I?
My goal right now and I know it’s gonna be hard to believe this because obviously this blog post is full of frustration..,but my goal right now truly is to quiet my mind, to let go of all of this jittery frustration and anxiety inside of me and let the Holy Spirit guide this family. I believe truly that if we are supposed to be in this spot and the kids are supposed to stay at this school then God would surely make A place for us here but if He doesn’t want us here then why would we want to stay? We want to be where He wants us to be and so I need to give it to God and stop thinking everything is shit because it isn’t shit! Not really! I just need to let it go…stop worrying and let it go!