Being in totally recovery mode for as long as I have been gives you sufficient time to think…and think some more. Which truthfully has been a good thing (mostly). I have spent the last few months…8 months earlier or more trying not to think (too) deeply into things but you know me, I tend to over think. I knew while I was in pain and just just by day-to-day, that wasn’t the right time to handle some of the things going on in my life. Now I’ve had maybe too much time to think (cue over thinking) about how I feel and what to do about how I’m feeling…ugh! Is it even right for me to want to share my feeling? Does it matter? Am I selfish? What do I really want in the end?
Let me start with this…
I have not made full peace for myself, in my heart, with my family since I moved from Colorado. We are better than we were and we at least can speak to each other over the phone now (mostly). But are we good? I don’t know? We’re not horrible. My heart and trust was put through the blender. I think I was just really let down. Why can’t I just get over it?
It breaks my heart. I really thought that I could just go back to the way I was with everyone but I can’t. Being blown off, cut off, ignored, fake “how’s the weather” type of conversations with each other to “keep to peace”, it’s all weird and makes it hard to be okay and go back the way it was. I don’t know if going back is right either. We never really talk about anything or resolve any issues, we just move on till the next difficult situation hits and the cycle continues. The scars just get deeper but I feel less and less pain…I have began to go numb at this point.
I feel like I can never be myself or ever open up honestly to my family. I would be taking a huge risk opening up to them and it breaks my heart. To be myself is so risky. I risk judgment, attacks, disapproval and that’s so frustrating to me to not be excepted or supported.
I want to be better or at least have a good somewhat “normal” relationship and lose the awkwardness but they scares the F out of me. Heaven forbid I say something they disagrees with! Plus, does it matter truly if they knows how I feel? Would it change anything? It hasn’t in the past! Again…Is it just selfish of me to want to share my feeling? Should I learn to be content with the way it is and leave it at alone? Am I the one who is not okay with how things are? Am I making is hard because I am the one who feels weird? No, not just weird, I feel wronged! Side note, I don’t actually believe I am the only one that feels weird. But does it matter, really? Does it matter if we discuss the past and look for resolve and healing?
Not so long ago…
My Dad, I know tries with me and my little family. I think he tries to make sure that we’re good with each other and we talk when we can. I believe my Dad tried to be “the peace maker” and sometimes that makes me a little nuts! Honestly, my Dad is just so over all of us and all our BS. I don’t blame him. He doesn’t know what will make us happy, sad, mad or what! I’m sure he thinks we’re all crazy and maybe we are! I think maybe he feels a lot like I do, he might be scared to say or do something wrong too. It’s like walking through a damn mine-field in my family.
My Mom and I have a polite relationship. We are a bit strained but this one is easy for me to figure out actually. We’ve had some messed up stuff that’s happened between with no resolved and basically has been festering ever since (is this a theme?). I think I expected more from her when we moved to North Dakota because I thought maybe our relationship was more before I moved but I was really let down. Nothing has been the same since between us. Words were said before my family left and you just can’t undo, unsay things. It’s hard to move past it.
I want to be really clear that both my parents are amazingly great people and I love them so much. My kids are totally in love with them! We’ve all had some great times together. I will forever remember our first South Dakota Trip to the Black Hills with my family. It was so fun! We had such a great time! We all laughed so much and so hard! Bartle doo! Google it! We’ve had plenty of other great times together too! After I had already moved to the North Dakota/Minnesota area I came back to Colorado to surprised my Dad for his birthday and father’s day. I surprised both my parents really! It was a short but great visit! We’ve had lots of awesome memorable times together. So many in fact that maybe Jason and I might have been taken for granted a bit. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt a little.
Shine some Light
I am going to seriously do my best to focus on the good (cause there is plenty), at the same time I don’t want to neglect my own peace and healing.
Some really awesome things I’d like to shine some light on is…
- My sister is growing in her personal relationship with Christ and becoming so strong and confident in her life as a mother and in all her relationships. I am really proud of her as she’s coming in to her own, trust her self and growing in her faith. I see such good things for her and her families future!
- My beautiful niece is getting her service/companion dog! My heart is over joyed! She is doing a sorta of meet-n-greet with her new pup in just a couple of weeks! This is such a special sweet moment! I wish so much I could be there to see her come together with her service dog! Especially, since I was involved in some of the fund-raising for her pup. I am totally basis, I know but my niece is the sweetest, most loving and hilarious little ball of sugar and shall I say…glitter… ever and this moment gives me so much happiness! I can’t even imagine how her mama feels! I am really excited for this next school year for her and her mom! Thank you Jesus!
- My totally insane and drama queen Gigi Buttercup broke her radius and ulna ( both arm bones) in a compound break. I know what your thinking, how is that a good thing? Well it’s not. I will get a big fat bill and if an adult would have had this same brake, it would be surgery for them! Plus, I waited two days before taking her (I felt like the worst mom ever). What I am shining light on is….how brave she is, how much she loves her life (it’s contagious to everyone) and her amazing ability to take a not so great situation and turn it into the best thing ever in life! She loves attention. LOVES IT ( She’s a Leo)! She cried just a few tears the day she fell but was so excited to get a splint when I took her to the ER. Before that you should have seen her! She loved the x-rays, getting a ride in a wheelchair, then when it came time to get her cast…sparkly bright blue cast…so much glitter! Who knew you could get a bedazzled cast! She has handled this so good! She actually loves it and that’s an understatement! Even the Ortho doc said that I have one tough kiddo! Don’t I know it! Love her and her crazy ways!
- My sweet, amazing and dare I say it…very very good-looking hubby, is moving on up, which means we are moving on out of Minnesota. Where? I don’t know yet. Somewhere in Florida? South side Chicago? Long Island city, New York? Boston, Mass? Southern California? Yeah, I have no clue but I know Jason will get picked for one of these places and God is all over this. I have nothing to worry about. I am happy for him growing in his career. I am happy for what this means for our family too. Sure, my heart is sad also. I have made the very best of friends here in MN. I will miss them so much! They are best! But we will and always be friends (they can’t can rid of me that easy). I will miss their kids and our Friday night music replay remix and a few cool beers together! Man! I will never have it this good again! I am tearing up thinking about it! But then again I knew that this moving around was part of the deal, really this is a blessing. We get to have friends all over, experience and live in different places and that’s pretty cool. Plus Jason will be home more and that’s the goal. So thankful.
- My Meg or now as she is being called The Meg! If you watched Shark week at all then you know all bout “The Meg”! Otherwise known as Jason’s mom. Meg and I have been through it and we have come out the other side so close, so good so…just…healthy. I couldn’t ask for a better MIL…I don’t call her mother “in law”, yuck! She is my husbands Mama and she has been everything to me this last month. I am truly so thankful, so blessed to have her and beyond grateful she came here to help out after my surgery. I am even more grateful that we have such a good relationship now.
- A healthy body! I was super scared but desperate to end my pain! I feel so good right now, it’s like pinch me! Is this real? So I diffidently want to shout out and shine major light on how good I feel! Sure, I am finding my new normal but it’s good and I’m happy. Mentally and physically I am getting stronger and healthier, more awake! It takes time but I’m so happy to be able to get there!
- Can I shine a huge light on my people! As I have discussed before on my blog/vlog I have a small group of people who I send a text to just about daily. I do this to stay connected to people that I love so much, to inspire, share laughs, get advice and prayers. This has been so amazing for my depression and anxiety. It helps reassure me that I’m really not ever alone and do have people who are with me in this crazy world. Sure, I’ve had a few people that I thought were “my people” ask to not be part of my text…which hurt at the time but if nothing else this definitely let me know who’s sticking with no matter what and would drop me in second. I am grateful to know who is with me and having these people through the good, bad and everything in between! So thankful!
Shine Light on the good stuff