Ok…I’m warning ya’ll right now, this post will be me beating myself up a bit. This is my very weird and unhealthy way of kicking my own ass in to gear. So here we go!
I don’t know what happen to me today. Maybe it was catching a glimpse of myself in the background of a photo, or seeing my reflection in a window, maybe it’s the fact that I have felt like a pregnant cow for the last 2 weeks. Being in pain and bloated with this endometriosis, trapped in bed hasn’t been helpful to the old self-esteem, that’s for sure! Even when I have forced myself up at’em…I still feel like I have a 40 pound, spiky baby in my abdomen! Maybe I am really done and over this extra chubby, extra hip, extra thigh because and for my husband (and for me). I just want to make him proud to be with me! I look very different then the girl he married and I guess to be fair he is compeletly different then the guy I married (I’m over thinking…again). Could I feel this way because we have been so distant (ya’ll know what I mean) from each other due to this spiky baby that I’ve been carrying around forever? I just don’t feel comfortable at all in my body anymore. The pain, the bloat, the stupid weight and this reflection of myself…who in the hell is this person I see?
About a month or so ago I started to do the whole keto life thing…I can be bit lazy about it. What I mean by saying I’m lazy ketoting it, is I don’t worry about how much protein I’ve had or if I’m out with friends, I don’t panic about staying in ketosis. If we’re at a pizza place then I just eat pizza, no biggie. I stick to my keto, my butter coffee and lemon water almost all the time but if life happens, as if does then I just eat the best that I can wherever I’m at. I’ve lost 13 big old pounds in 2-ish weeks and I am pretty proud of myself for that! I was walking every night and doing my yoga a few times a week before this nightmare in my abdomen took over. I stayed active but nothing crazy. I usually only eat meat, veggies, some cheese, nuts and drink lots and lots of coffee (because I have a problem). I also started drinking ICE Drinks, since I don’t drink soda and these have no sugar and no calories so I highly enjoy them!
I’ve made small progress but I am still a Fatty Mcfattyson…well damn! Today I see myself in a reflection and I didn’t say, “Damn girl, you looking good for 15 lbs down!” No I said,”Who the hell is this fat chick?” I looked just like her but..grosser. I went bowling today with my family and I was having a great time until I saw myself. Then all my defenses crashed! I am good at hiding my hurts. I have learned how to not just say that I feel fine but really act just fine too! So I had a smile on my face and I am bowling like a champ! Sure my side hurts, my back hurts and every time I throw that damn ball I get a surge of my pain throughout my squishy body but I will not let anyone know! So you know I’m feel’in real great about myself, until I see myself and then it becomes hard to fake it anymore.
I told my family after two games with them that I was done and keep to on playing without me. I was feeling extra fat and I am having trouble hiding how crappy I feel, inside and out. I sat out the next 2 games and searched keto recipes and exercises. As soon as we got home I put on my comfy pants (nice and loose), a t-shirt that I’ve had for 14 years (also huge) and my hoodie (X Large) this helped to me hide my whole entire self and I felt so much better. I made myself a coffee and decided I was done eating for today. No more food for you fat kid, I told myself! To be totally honest, I was just being mean to myself because I couldn’t eat if I wanted to, I’m bloated to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and I hurt! The pain is enough to make all food super unappealing anyways. So I made it very clear to my family if they wanted to eat dinner, they were on their own. My son popped off and said, “Mom you never eat”. I thought about that and he’s right, I don’t. I mean I do but I don’t eat much. I eat the most during weekends because my husband is home and he eats all the damn time but during the week, it’s basically coffee, water and my ICE drinks. I eat maybe one snack or small meal a day if that. Yet I am still a jiggle fatty-bow-batty!
So you know I must have a positive spin somehow.
Maybe I feel fatter than I am, this could be my depression lying to me? Maybe I am actually beautiful curvy and need to embrace this new me and new body with more love and care and I need to figure out how to dress it? Do I need to get out of my sweats and t-shirts that I love so much? Maybe I need to get my broken girl parts handled, settled these hormones down and the rest will fall into place. Maybe once all this happens, I will start to not feel so disconnected from my body and then that will help me to connect with my husband again. I can only hope!
Be gentle my little thunderstorm, the world is just not ready. -A.J Lawless