PNG image 107

Ok…I’m warning ya’ll right now, this post will be me beating myself up a bit. This is my very weird and unhealthy way of kicking my own ass in to gear. So here we go! 

 

I don’t know what happen to me today. Maybe it was catching a glimpse of myself in the background of a photo, or seeing my reflection in a window, maybe it’s the fact that I have felt like a pregnant cow for the last 2 weeks. Being in pain and bloated with this endometriosis, trapped in bed hasn’t been helpful to the old self-esteem, that’s for sure! Even when I have forced myself up at’em…I still feel like I have a 40 pound, spiky baby in my abdomen! Maybe I am really done and over this extra chubby, extra hip, extra thigh because and for my husband (and for me). I just want to make him proud to be with me! I look very different then the girl he married and I guess to be fair he is compeletly different then the guy I married (I’m over thinking…again). Could I feel this way because we have been so distant (ya’ll know what I mean) from each other due to this spiky baby that I’ve been carrying around forever? I just don’t feel comfortable at all in my body anymore. The pain, the bloat, the stupid weight and this reflection of myself…who in the hell is this person I see?

About a month or so ago I started to do the whole keto life thing…I can be bit lazy about it. What I mean by saying I’m lazy ketoting it, is I don’t worry about how much protein I’ve had or if I’m out with friends, I don’t panic about staying in ketosis. If we’re at a pizza place then I just eat pizza, no biggie. I stick to my keto, my butter coffee and lemon water almost all the time but if life happens, as if does then I just eat the best that I can wherever I’m at. I’ve lost 13 big old pounds in 2-ish weeks and I am pretty proud of myself for that! I was walking every night and doing my yoga a few times a week before this nightmare in my abdomen took over.  I stayed active but nothing crazy. I usually only eat meat, veggies, some cheese, nuts and drink lots and lots of coffee (because I have a problem). I also started drinking ICE Drinks, since I don’t drink soda and these have no sugar and no calories so I highly enjoy them!

PNG image 105

 

I’ve made small progress but I am still a Fatty Mcfattyson…well damn! Today I see myself in a reflection and I didn’t say, “Damn girl, you looking good for 15 lbs down!” No I said,”Who the hell is this fat chick?” I looked just like her but..grosser. I went bowling today with my family and I was having a great time until I saw myself. Then all my defenses crashed! I am good at hiding my hurts. I have learned how to not just say that I feel fine but really act just fine too! So I had a smile on my face and I am bowling like a champ! Sure my side hurts, my back hurts and every time I throw that damn ball I get a surge of my pain throughout my squishy body but I will not let anyone know! So you know I’m feel’in real great about myself, until I see myself and then it becomes hard to fake it anymore.

 

PNG image 106

 

I told my family after two games with them that I was done and keep to on playing without me. I was feeling extra fat and I am having trouble hiding how crappy I feel, inside and out. I sat out the next 2 games and searched keto recipes and exercises. As soon as we got home I put on my comfy pants (nice and loose), a t-shirt that I’ve had for 14 years (also huge) and my hoodie (X Large) this helped to me hide my whole entire self and I felt so much better. I made myself a coffee and decided I was done eating for today. No more food for you fat kid, I told myself! To be totally honest, I was just being mean to myself because I couldn’t eat if I wanted to, I’m bloated to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and I hurt! The pain is enough to make all food super unappealing anyways. So I made it very clear to my family if they wanted to eat dinner, they were on their own.  My son popped off and said, “Mom you never eat”. I thought about that and he’s right, I don’t. I mean I do but I don’t eat much. I eat the most during weekends because my husband is home and he eats all the damn time but during the week, it’s basically coffee, water and my ICE drinks. I eat maybe one snack or small meal a day if that. Yet I am still a jiggle fatty-bow-batty!

PNG image 108.png

 

So you know I must have a positive spin somehow. 

Maybe I feel fatter than I am, this could be my depression lying to me? Maybe I am actually beautiful curvy and need to embrace this new me and new body with more love and care and I need to figure out how to dress it? Do I need to get out of my sweats and t-shirts that I love so much? Maybe I need to get my broken girl parts handled, settled these hormones down and the rest will fall into place. Maybe once all this happens, I will start to not feel so disconnected from my body and then that will help me to connect with my husband again. I can only hope!

IMG_2968.JPG

 

Be gentle my little thunderstorm, the world is just not ready. -A.J Lawless

xoxo sk

Advertisements

9 Comments

  1. Nice read! Congrats on the weight lost, it took discipline that I do not have, so good job! I hope writing down how you feel has helped you move on from the rut. It’s hard seeing the progress you’ve made when you’re not where you want to be. I just wanted to say “just keep swimmin’, just keep swimmin'”. If you’ve never seen Finding Nemo then what I just said has just made things awkward…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. OMG I’d give to loose 13 lbs in 2weeks! It’s easy for people to say don’t be a hard on yourself, but I think it’s OK as long as we do something about it. You reminded me of myself because I’ve been disgusted with myself, but we must do something about it and try to be healthy by eating better and exercising. I’ve lived on coffee too without food and don’t have energy to work out. Lol it’s tough, I can look at a donut and gain 10 pounds just from staring at it!! Lol but in all seriousness the most important thing is the person you are on inside and I’ve learned I’m a better person on the inside when I feel better about myself on the outside. I don’t know if it is wrong but whatever floats our boats. And don’t forget God loves us no matter what!! 💕 😘. P.s all marriages have their struggles but I’ve heard men like confident women, so we can begin by loving ourselves! 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.