After 5 days of not being able to move or go outside, I finally pushed myself to just do it! There are some days I just can’t, the pain is too overwhelming. I feel like I will throw up everywhere and that’s such a bad look…really. I stay in bed with my heating pad that my Grandma made me, the one that’s full of rice and use my essentials oils to at least dull the pain but nothing is working anymore. This pain’s to hard to even describe and it’s now radiating throughout my whole body. I just feel miserable most the time. I’ve been trying to distract myself from the pain by reading more and working like a crazy person on my new website for some upcoming products. This actually helped for a bit, I just hurt so badly and uncontrollably now that when I go back to check my work, I see tons of mistakes and I end up doing it all over again. Focusing right now is very hard so I sleep. This is the worst thing for me to do because sleeping too much is a huge trigger for my depression. I really don’t want to depend on pain meds but I feel like I might not have a choice for a while.
Last night as I laid in bed with my 8 different pillows formed around my body and my trusty heating pad, feeling sorry for myself all alone, I started to reflected back on the last year. I was so frustrated that after the longest year of my life, getting my mental and physical health back on track. Now I have this to deal with, just why? I have made such amazing strides and now…now…I have this holding me back and messing with my mental state, our house, our money, our kids summer break and I have to ask for HELP…grrr…kill me (not really…drama…people)! This might be worst then the pain itself! All I can even do anymore is pray. I prayed that God would get me back on my feet, even just for short periods of time. I missed being outside with the sun, to feel the breeze, to just not be in these walls. I prayed God would get my butt out of this bed long enough to move my body and shakes off any depression lingering near by. I just want to feel a bit of normal…whatever that might mean for a little bit. Remind me what good feels like.
I’m not kidding! I felt a tingling sensation hit my body like a wave, from my toes all the way up to the top of my head. Then I started to feel weirdly and unexplainable joyful. I knew that the next morning I was going to get up, walk to the coffee shop with my kids, do some gardening and be outside at least half the day. I just knew I would be okay to do that.
So that morning came and I got up and went right outside with my puppies and started my prayed time, that I’ve missed for over a week. I got cleaned up and I even put some make up on (GO ME!). The kids and I walked to the coffee shop, I had my coffee while they had their breakfast and I only had some back pain…I can handle that after what I’ve been through. We did some grocery shopping, then walked back home and I right away I got to work on pulling some weeds and working in our beautiful flower garden. I stopped to actually smell the roses and I couldn’t believe the size of these bumbles…as I call them because they aren’t really bees or the jerk kind, that are just evil…their so fat, chubby, fuzzy, cute, little bumbles. (video above) I finally had enough and went inside to take a shower and cool off. Then it was time to work on my website some more and my blog and just relaxed….get that heating pad! I could finally focus and things were flowing again! That day was maybe my best day all week. I knew then that no matter how crappy I feel that I am going to have push myself to get outside and stay busy and work it! I can not lay down to much and avoid the outdoors where I feel the most free and the most love, I need those good vibes. I need to push through it. I am so glad I did. Thank You God.
The time has come
Well it’s been decided. It’s going to be surgery for me! This endometriosis has taking over. Even my chest and lungs are sore which is super weird and I still don’t understand why. So after a horrible week of pure pain and nauseous (and some TMI issues) this gave my doctor and I, no other option but to schedule my Hysterectomy. I am scared. I will be gettin’ a big old slice right across my abdomen, c-section style and not a laparotomy. This freaks me out! I mean, I already look like a science experiment after all the slicing and dicing I’ve had done but now I will really be owning that role. Bride of Frankenstein here I come!
I also will be down for much, much too long! I mean… hello! I run a household and two other people’s lives. I have shoes, I need find and corn dogs to heat up…I’m sure I do more than this…right? As my sister once told me when she was going through this, she was just looking forward to taking a nap! Thank you Anesthesiologist! Maybe that’s what I should think about too! When I hear the recovery time go from 3 weeks to 6-8 weeks, my eyes get big and I start seeing stars! I know the world won’t stop spinning and my kids will be okay. I’m sure their processed, mircowavable food can be heated up just fine without me…I swear I don’t feed them this way all the time…really! Still, I am the only parent here 90% of the time because my husband works on the road, out of town…all…the…time. I love my husband, he is a good guy and a great dad, it just stresses me out when he has to try to step into my shoes. We do things differently, which is fine. I just think doing things differently for that long is not gonna fly around here. I will have my mom-in-law, Meg, to help for a bit and that’ll be good! But seriouly how could I ever expect anyone to be me for 8 weeks? I could never! I’m gonna have to suck it up and figure this out! And I am sure I will because I figure out everything…that’s what I do.
I know this might be stupid but one of the reasons I feel so anxious about all this is because I’m messing up my kids summer break! Pure freaking guilty! Althought, I don’t have a date for this surgery yet because I have to meet with a general surgeon, who will be assisting my Obgyn (I’ve got a real mess going on). This does buy us some time before the surgery. This may give us a few extra weeks to try to plan something with these kids.
Why do I feel so guilty about this? Why do I feel like I need to take my kids on a magical adventures for them to have had a decent summer break? Why do I feel like me taking care of my health is going to negatively affect my family? I guess because I over think everyting to death…this is me. sigh…