I am honestly not sure if I have the worst allergies I have ever had in my life or if I just have a nice combo of pure stress and anxiety on top on the worst allergies that I’ve ever had in my life. I am telling ya’ll, the right side of my face is deformed. It’s swollen, stuffed up, itchy and just plain miserable! And now I have developed twitchy eye. Great! This is just great! I look like I’m right on the verge of kicking someone ass all the time.
*Stress, leads to anxiety which leads to depression…
When will I learn? This is part of life and there are people who I have allowed in my life that cause a damn chain reaction and the next thing I know…STRESS! Stress, Anxiety and ya, know what follows all that? Depression, like a load of bricks! It’s like a virus that I can’t escape from! Okay, Okay…drama! I know…I need to bring it back to zero.
It doesn’t matter if it’s my family, finances, my kids, or my girl parts deciding not to work properly anymore. I will never in this life ever escape the little gifts that aren’t gifts at all, the universe can throw at me…
My health will always want to fight me, so I will always be fighting for it. My kids will always believe they know better and so they will continue to do the opposite of what I tell them, forever. I will most likely never be so rich that I don’t have a budget to pay my bills, just like most normal people have to do. My extended family will forever have an opinion on my life, my marriage and my parenting. How do I cope? I write and I love it.
*What I do to cope is actually my passion…
I blog and write… a lot. I yoga, meditate and I read all the time. I take lots of quite walks, mostly alone. My favorite thing to do, is to sit peaceful and quietly with my most favorite and beloved beverage of all times, my sweet coffee and enjoy the breeze; while watching the sunset or sunrise, alone in my prayer time. Then I write and read some more.
*Awakening…Doing the work
This weekend, we bought a 2018 Dodge Ram 1500 and it’s beautiful. I love it. As we filled out the paper work and I had nothing to be fill out because I “do nothing” my heart sunk. I like contributing financially to my family. And right now I get peanuts…seriouly. I make a little here and there for watching kids in the neighborhood. I get no cash, money, mo-la $$$ dinero, for my writing, my blog or my essential oil business. It fills me heart to write, yes. I absolutely am in love with it. I love it so much. It’s like a sweet little baby to me. This blog is like one of my children that I am raising and developing into an amazing….something GREAT!!! I love it! But no income. And for that…I feel like a loser. Not because I am not willing to do the work…Oh sista…I willing and I am doing the work, paying the fees and whatever else I need to do. I totally get that my success cannot be compared to someone else’s. I need to be patience and trust in God’s plan and His timing for me. I will keep moving my feet…or in this case my fingers. I am, researching, studying, reading, learning, and writing like a college kid getting ready for mid-terms! I have every intention to be a successful writer, blogger, and hopefully one day a public speaker and have a publishing company of my own! I can see myself doing a book signing one day! I want the day-dream to be my reality! I would love for everyone to know fabricthatmademe…is that crazy?
I have big dreams, big goals…maybe huge…and even maybe unreachable possibly but I am still pushing for it. I am still working my butt off for it. Every damn day! I want this bad! I want this for me and my husband who is on the road exhausted everyday, for my kids too! I want to build something great for them! Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Are my dreams too big?
Why, when the Salesman this weekend asked me what my blog was about, why did I shy away? Why am I afraid to talk about it with anyone? I really don’t talk about my hopes, dreams or my goals with even my husband. Am I ashamed? Do I not want to held accountability if I fail? Because I know I will fail and people will tell me NO but I answer to NO ONE…I can still keep pushing…right? My mom has already told me to stop fabricthatmademe, it bothers her and my sister is not a fan either. I didn’t stop and thank GOD…really thank you LORD for pushing me because it’s better than ever now.
Support doesn’t always come from the people you wish it would, most times. At least that has been the case for me! This is without a doubt, where I get my fear and shame when it comes to my hopes, dreams and my goals. This is why I keep so much tucked safe inside my heart. I don’t want to lift myself up or share my love or passion with too many people …it sets me up for someone to say “I told you so” if I don’t make it big right away. If stumble at all, I better be ready for the negative comments that I have heard over and over again. Now I have taken over the shaming myself. It replays every time I start to doubt myself.
Well, NO MORE…there’s power in our words. These words we say to ourselves and we write and share with the world are transcribed on our hearts and minds. It time I take this power back and really grasp the strength that I have in my own life.
I laid in bed kind of mad at myself after we got my beautiful truck. I didn’t have remorse or anything like that. I was mad at me! I was ashamed of my hard work that I love with every fiber of my body and I hurt my husbands’ feelings.
I replayed the conversation with salesman and then with my husband over in my head, what I should have said. I knew what I really felt! Then it hit me! If I don’t live this out with complete confidence, if I don’t walk and speak with authority in my convictions and passion in words, then it is all just actually a hobby. Do I want a hobby or a powerhouse?
I WANT A POWERHOUSE!
So I told myself… self we are going to make a vision board. We are going to vlog and get this out into the world! I am going to say the words and let the world know my goals and my big dreams in this life! I am going to make sure my husband knows without a doubt that I am inside the circle with him. I am not standing on the outside…I am here and I have always been. I have no time for twitchy eye, I have work to do!
This writing gig is not a hobby! This is my full-time job! I am doing this 7 days a week and my brain never shuts off! This is my life here and I am serious about it!
My actions and my words will match up!
And it’s Vlogging time folks…