Day 1 since my attack…
I am doing better today. I spelt alright last night…not great just better then the night before. I had my diffuser going all night and essential oils all over me. My anxiety is giving me a breather right now, which I am thankful because The Good Lord knows that I sure do need it! I went to bed with a headache and woke up with the same horrible headache! This is actually worrying me a bit now, since headaches are what trigger my seizures. That’s all I need as a I’m trying to get my footing back. What a relapse that would be. Yeah, no thanks I think I’ll pass on that.
I did, at least wake up this morning with a good attitude. I didn’t have that shaky feeling anymore. I was okay, minus the headache from hell…I felt lighter, I felt mostly normal again. I open my eyes and thought...today is the first day of the next 3 months of my kids with me every single day. I need to make this good. I need to have the least amount of conflict and pain as possible for all of us to make it out of this summer alive. Think positive! I sat up and put my hands together and began to pray… Lord, I can’t let me feet even touch this floor this morning to start this day unless I know You are with me. I need You guiding me and protecting me and my family through this day. Please give me the wisdom, peace, and patient that these kids need, that I need to have and enjoy the blessings You have Graced upon us. Please keep my anxiety as distant as possible and if it’s in Your will, take it away totally. Bless my steps God. Amen
I grabbed my phone and started reading my devotion for the day and then listening to my book again as I sipped my coffee. I stopped for a second and thought, where are my kids? They’re not asking for a 6 course breakfast and screaming at each other? Where is the chaos? I thought for seriously a 1/2 of a second to look for them but then I quickly changed my mind and decided to enjoy the peace. Trust me when I say, waking up here on the weekends when both these lovely little children and their father are home, is not always nice, sweet and peaceful. It’s loud, demanding and just annoying! I’m lucky to get a whole cup of coffee down in 2 or 3 hours. I am reheating so many times that by the time I do drink my coffee, it’s so gross I don’t even know why I bother at all. I think a shot of whiskey would be more efficient! I am cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights, feeding animals, letting dogs in, letting dogs out, fixing plates of food, going through papers, upon papers because we just have to do this paper crap thing right now for some reason…and then I am cleaning up after everyone while they all retreat to their bedrooms, office, outside…and leave me with the after math. No joke, maybe an hour or so later I get to do it all again because for some damn reason everyone needs to eat on the freaking hour around here! Oh joy! This is why I am one of the only person in the world who loves Mondays. It’s also the reason Jason will find me hiding in my bedroom, under the covers in totally silence…In hopes no one will find me. They always find me.
So yes, this morning to have both my kids in a quietly peaceful state, not asking me for anything was pure bliss! I went through my blog that I posted last night (6/5/18)…I’ve been stressed about how it would be received by everyone. I sat back in my chair at my desk again and started to let my mind wonder. I thought could it be possible that my kids want a break from the rush too. Maybe they want sometime to just be. Maybe all of my worries and fears about this being a stressful mess with them were truly all mine. Just maybe my kids might want the same things as me, calm, peace, relaxation and just to be able to do things together without tons of stress and fighting. Maybe…just maybe I built this whole thing up in my head. Maybe I am a big part of what bought this anxiety on this time around.
I leaned back in my chair again, totally catatonic, still groggy and started to zone out. I closed my eyes for a minute and when Grace came skipping in the office. Hi Mom! Good Morning! She says with a huge smile on her face. Hi, my girl, I smiled back and gave her a back hug. What have you been doing? I asked. Reading, playing my game, I went through my backpack…I think we need to move room around and I really would like a real desk for my birthday this year. I think Tristan and I both need one…really mom. She continued talking and really she hasn’t stop yet. But I was just glad she was in a good mood. Ever thing was good. We were good. It was like the last 48 hours hadn’t happened for her.
Today and the next and the next day after that…
After I got breakfast for my kids and finished my coffee…while it was still hot, thank you very much…I started writing a little bit and reading then writing some more. After awhile we went to my son’s school to get his replacement Yearbook and then headed off to the one of smallest but cutest zoo’s that I’ve ever been to, The Red River Zoo. We went with my kids and a good friend of mine’s, two girls. We had a great time together. I so enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. Even while this never-ending headache continued to linger on. We had lunch, watch COCO and then went outside to ride bikes and play for a bit. I wrote on my blog and worked my Business site until Jason got home. It’s different having him home during the week so we thought that we could take the kids out to celebrate the start of summer break. We ended our night with pizza, and DQ (for the kids).
Even as I we walked the zoo with the kids today, went out to dinner and coffee…I still am feel almost a hang over feeling from my anxiety attack…whatever it was. I am scared to talk, make a wrong move. I almost feel unqualified to make any decision now at all. Am I being over the top, or not enough? I know I am going to over think this death. It’s my curse. Analyzing everything over and over.
I have tomorrow and Friday to still to be a normal, functioning adult and not an over emotional weirdo. So I need to get ahead of the next couple days. Tomorrow my kids want to stay close to home, ride bikes, go to the park and make slime. I think we can do that. Then maybe Friday we can end the week with something fun. Maybe a going walk some trails or have a picnic? Gracie told me she would happy to walk to park and then go to get coffee…awe, that’s my girl!
Summer Time Planning!
No excuse now. This weekend will be me planning the summer and handling my motherly…adult duties. I will do this for my health and sanity and for children.