Oh…Wow! So, let’s get this straight! I write and do my vlog on being positive and how this truly is who I am. I seek out joy, laugher and just plain happiness to keep myself safe from the dark side and then I take a drive right off the cliff. Being the sponge that I am, I soak up everything and it’s just better for everyone and mostly for me, if what I’m absorbing is the good stuff. But I messed up…
I had trouble for the last couple of days. It’s a number of things that I have let creep back in. I thought I was doing my best to stay strong and keep those healthy boundaries but I messed up. I thought I was doing good, remaining positive and trying to keep to my normal routines…even when everyone and everything around me, was being completely thrown off. I have stuck to my writing, which is and will always be my number one love and coping mechanism. But still last night happen. And I suck.
I knew my anxiety was getting stronger. I knew it days ago when I refuse to go outside and I wouldn’t visit with my friends down the street…AND I love them! I didn’t laugh at all. I stayed away from everyone. I went to bed early. I was shaking all the time and losing my thoughts, I couldn’t focus. I started crying easily and for little things. I was anxious and so nervous, the pressure on my chest was overwhelming. When Jason left to get back on the road, I broke down. I don’t do this. I don’t but this time I did. I saw and felt the signs, I didn’t handle it right. I made a huge mistake and I know better!
I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t and still haven’t talked my husband (at the time of writing this). Jason, should have been the first person I talked to. I should have let my kids know I wasn’t feeling well. I should have taken some time for myself, I needed a reset. I should have order the damn *Serenity that I take from doTERRA, that I have been out of for a month! I should have went on a walk. GOD! I should have told someone days ago but no…Heaven Forbid I show some damn weakness to the people who should be there to hold me up!
Yesterday, I cried all day. I did my blog/vlog and I struggled through it. I was still denying anything was really wrong…but I knew better. I even asked for a prayer during my last vlog because I knew! As the hours ticked by, I got worse as it got closer to when the kids would be home from school. I made myself some tea and layer on my essential oils to get me through. I’ll be okay, I’m fine…repeated to myself. I took 4 Advil for the massive headache I’ve been fighting for 3 days now.
Then one thing happened, then another and then another, I took a deep breath and then another. Holy S***! I am going to explode soon. Maybe I’m not okay. I knew I needed to talk to someone, NOW! I couldn’t wait anymore. I finally got Jason on the phone and he was working on a presentation that he has been nervous about. I thought, NOPE, I can’t be a totally mess for him right now. So I called my sister, she didn’t answer. I called again. Nothing. I text…PLEASE CALL ME! I got nothing back. I reached out to my group of peeps that I text most daily and thanked them for sticking with me but I never told them I was a mess. I still never said, Hey guys I am a totally mess right now. I need help. I never shared that my anxiety was through the roof! I got several encouraging and supportive messages back. I thought, Okay…I’m okay. Then my son happened and I snapped.
Please don’t judge me. Trust me, I am judging myself by a million right now. Especially, because I totally did what I had sworn to God, over my heart I would never do and I did it. One of my fears as a child and something I grew up scared and hating and I did it.
But let me back up and share the whole story. This is not for anyone to feel bad for me. I don’t feel bad for me. I was wrong on the worst level. No excuse…I was a bad mom last night. The worst. I will have to rebuild trust and deal with my own guilt for my embarrassing, pathetic and just plain bad behavior to my precious babies.
Here we go…
My nearly 13-year-old son needs antibiotics for his very swollen eye. How he has a swollen eye is a mystery. He said he got food in his eye, which is totally possibly because he eats like a wild animal. I however think it’s allergies. Anyway, every damn time that I try to take care of this kid, he flips out. I mean, with medication, a pill, lotions or cream for his eczema, cough syrup and now eye drops! He has been doing this since birth. He won’t take medicine of any kind, no swallowing of any pills; no matter how tiny, not even a prick of the finger for a tiny bit of blood! To get his shots, it takes me and 3 other people to hold him down. I am in tears, he is crying and when it’s all over, he walks out like nothing happened and I am 1/2 pissed, 1/2 heartbroken and 100% exhausted. When he was a baby and still very small I understood but this kid is about my size now and taking little kid meds is just not an option anymore. I am always a wreck with him when he is sick because he makes it impossible to help him get better.
I told him he needed to put the drops in. He yells NO! I yell YES! He decided to cry because that will make me feel bad…but today it did not make me feel bad, it made me mad. I said Tristan, what in the HELL! It’s just a tiny drop, your baby sister had to do this same drop but way more and she did it like a pro! You haven’t even tried! YOU ARE DOING THIS! He is now crying like a 3-year-old and I am getting more upset…no, I am now getting super frustrated and mad. I say, why do you make taking care of you so damn hard! He lies on floor so can put the drops in his eye but as soon as I go to put a drop in, he screaming like he is being murdered! Now, my head is spinning! Then my poor sweet Grace, who’s 7 comes in and say “Mommy stop hurting him!” Oh My God! Are you kidding me right now! I’m gonna to F***ing lose it! I screamed back at them! Now I have two screaming, crying babies, a massive headache, anxiety like a Mack Truck and I want to punch the damn wall with my face.
Now this is where I turn in to the adult baby. I take the eye drops and throw them down the hallway! I yell at Tristan for being a baby and that he needs to grow up! Then I stomp down the hall like an immature punk myself and I slam my bedroom and scream at the top of lung. I wasn’t thinking anything at this point. I then go into my bathroom and cry for 2 full minutes, hard. I ugly cry but I was still feeling trapped inside myself and still was suffocating in my own madness. I got up and walk down the hallway and saw Tristan standing in the living room, he looked at me so smug with his arms crossed. Yeah, that didn’t help! I then see little Grace hiding behind her big bother and for one second, I felt like an asshole! But the didn’t stop me from venting out all my frustrations. I took Tristan cell phone from him and yelled and cussed some more at both of them. I told them to put themselves to bed and I was done! Then I slammed my door so hard that I broke it. What a role model…
I did the one thing I hated as a kid. I made my kids watch me flip out! I destroy their home so they would have look at it and remember it over and over. I cussed at them like they were grown adults! What the hell is wrong with me! I would never do that to a grown adult! I grew up being cussed at, made to feel small and walked around my house explaining holes in walls and broken doors all my life. That’s wrong. That’s terrible. I was broken by adults…and yesterday I was the adult who broke… And I feel awful for it. I am utterly disgusted with myself! I am better than my action.
I got in the shower after that, leaving my kids to cry and I sobbed for an hour. I thought to myself, you are such jerk, you broke your kids, you ass! Tristan acting like a 5-year-old was not what made me go over the top and sweet little Grace did literally nothing to invoke any of this. I did wrong. I did terrible. I am to blame! I am the one who lost control!
I got out of the shower still crying and feeling like the worse mom who ever walked the Earth. I thew some clothes on and hear a tiny knock at my door. I opened it, it was Grace. I just grabbed her and held her. We cried and hugged for easily 15 minutes. I looked at her I told her I was wrong. I should have never ever talked to her that way and no one should ever speak her that way, not ever! I was terribly wrong and I did not control myself like I should have. I told her that I love her 100 times and how very very sorry I was…I am. I am so sad for how I acted.
Tristan was asleep and in no mood to talk to me. He had decided to be a 13-year-old now… fine. I locked up the house and everyone was asleep by 7. Our house was quite and unsteady and it was my fault. I turned my phone off…I realized that I am someone everyone called when they need someone but I have no one to call when I need someone. That hurt me deeply. Sleep was hard to come by that night.
It was maybe 10:30pm and I woke up to let my dogs outside, when Tristan and I spooked each other in the kitchen. I said Oh, my goodness, you gave me a heart attack! He said I’m sorry Mom that I was being a brat and acting like I was. I made a good night go bad. I took his face in my hands and said NO Tristan, I was wrong. You could never do anything that would deserve the way I treated you and your sister tonight. I love you so much! We hugged and cried for a minute and Tristan said mom can we start over. I told him I would like that.
All night long I spelt like I was in a nightmare. I tossed and turned all over. I was hot and then cold. I was up and then back down. My chest was hurting, my head was hurting…I was just hurting all over! I got up around 5:45am and I sat up and prayed out loud to God.
Please forgive me. I was a terrible mom and awful person yesterday. I let this anxiety get the best of me and I so desperately need Your help to not let that happen to me again! Please bless my time with the kids and being the mom I need to be for them. Lord, please please, take this pain away, take this anxiety away and bless me with your spirit! Amen
Today I spelt in bed all day. That is what I needed to do. Today is the kids last day of school…my last day to do this. I made breakfast for them, helped to send them on their way for a great last day of school and then I went back to bed. I listen to my audible book and spent all day in my bed with my dogs. I rested and heal my frazzled mind. I didn’t talk to a soul. I only prayed today. I prayed a lot. At around 1pm I got up and got dressed and made myself look human again. I got some water and took my meds and supplements and started writing to all you. Confessing my sins as a bad mom, someone who ignored the signs of some major anxiety coming on and most definitely knows better, a person who didn’t control themselves, and now feels like a giant jerk. I am a good mom but yesterday I was the worst mom. The worst. I love these kids more than my own life…I can’t let things like this happen.
Here’s the truth. I was more then upset yesterday but not at my kids, not even a little. I was frustrated, upset, hurt and unsure about a few decisions. Then you add my overwhelming and unpredictable anxiety and it’s recipe for disaster.
Today I told ya’ll, I was in bed all day. I hung out with myself, my book and God and rested. I took care of myself and tried my very best to do some recovery of my emotions. I still didn’t turn my phone on. I wasn’t well enough to handle my emotions for that. I needed to be alone. The only person I spoke with was Jason and I didn’t speak to him until close to 3 or 4 in afternoon.
I can’t go in great detail right now but basically, my family is stressing me out. I feel such a double standard, the plain lying to my face, the manipulation… I am at a complete loss! I am not one to tell my family I am done with anyone. I made take a nice long mental break from time to time but never to a say I’m done with you. Because of the pain, the negativity, the lack of care and personal responsibility…I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so… numb about it all. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to move forward, make it better, resolve, handle it… I almost don’t even care. But we all know that’s not true. I have emotional ties and baggage with these people.
When I was feeling the pressure. I couldn’t talk to either of my sisters. One is far to judgy to share my weakness with and the other has her own messy life. I did try to call one of them but like I said early on…she didn’t answer. I am there for them..but that’s where that stops.
I can’t talk to my parent, they’re making me crazy and they’re extremely judgmental to me. I would never in a million years call them up and say, Hey parents, my anxiety is really bad and I am having trouble with every little thing right now…Ha!! Never! I know how that convo would go. What? Um, sorry but get your life together. Figure it out or we would switch the conversation totally, on to what was happening to them as if I had never just said, HELLO! I am having an emotion break down…help me please. I do love my parents dearly but I know they are not my people when it comes to this. They love me most when I am handling my life like a boss and I shut the hell up about it and I mean that in the nicest way possible. They just don’t have a sympathetic bone is their body with me. It might be because I am the oldest child, or maybe because I have always tried to what was “right” in their eyes. I was never too disagreeable. I was quite and did what I was asked. Just be small and shhhh…be quite.
It’s summer time and I am slightly freaking about making a new routine, a new schedule for us all. I know it might sound so stupid and pathetic to worry about having your own children with you everyday for the next 3 months… but mine expect me to plan every second of their bloody day for them. They would love it if that involved spending lots of money on them also. While all that is happening they will need to eat non-stop for the next 3 months as well. Don’t forget the fighting about breathing in each other space and looking at each other! Oh and my daughters sneaky little crafts, which normally means something is ruined permanently and something expense is now garbage.
Other stuff…I can’t share but it’s weighting on me. It’s heavy and I think I want to drop some of it now. I think I’m too tired to carry anymore crap.
So now what do I do? Tomorrow starts the summer break. I have my kids and the neighbors so it’s safe to say I need to be of sound mind the next three days. How do I get there?
I told ya’ll, I search for the joy, the positivity, the light. I pray, I go to the only book that I know can truly guide me, The Bible. I meditate and am still. I yoga like I’ve never yoga-ed before. I write like my life depends on it. As you can till this might be my longest blog yet. I read other blogs and articles on love and light, other peoples help-tips on how to live gracefully or at least laugh more and being a mom with anxiety. Some times I just gotta just zone out a bit to some YouTube and Jacklyn Hill because I love her to pieces! I connect to my depression/anxiety app *Pacifica and start working from the beginning. This helps me so much! The good in my ears, eyes and knowing that I am not the only mom who struggles, helps me to feel less alone. But before I can even get to that. I have to say I am sorry for my behavior and ask for forgiveness. I’ve done this part with my kids and I am so thankful that both of them love me so much and care for me so much, to forgive me. Then I do some major self-care. Today I stayed in bed, rested my achy body, my poor headache (4 day headache) and drink a massive amount of water. I listen to my book. I put good stuff in my ear ALL day. I didn’t take one phone call today, nothing that could have turned south on me. I kept to myself and cared for myself. I started looking up Bible verses and reading the Bible. I prayed and prayed some more.
I have to prep myself for the next couple days and than this weekend I need to get prepped for the summer. Why I didn’t do this sooner…I don’t know. I think I thought that it was fine until it’s wasn’t anymore. One of things that I KNOW to do is getting ahead of things and I didn’t do that. I could of done all this so much better than I did. Again, I thought it was fine until it wasn’t. This just shows me that this old friend, that is seriously no friend at all, this anxiety, this emotional, mental fragile state of mine is never far. And I hate it. I hate it so much.
But ya know, like everything I look hard for good. And in this mess I’ve made I am now digging out of, I’ve found out three very important things.
One, my kids are the best humans ever. The most loving, forgiving and gentle, respectful and caring people I have ever met on this earth. I raised them. I have to have done something right…right? Even in my embarrassing rage, my babies forgive me, love me and believe I am the best mama ever. They wouldn’t trade me in for another mom ever. I did wrong to them. I had a far from perfect moment with them, that I will most likely beat myself up about for life. Because they are EVERYTHING to me. I never want to hurt them. Not ever. But I did and they are siting on me right now as I balance this computer on my lap. I have a kid on each side of me, one falling asleep and the other playing on their phone and it’s perfect. I won’t be able to leave this spot or pee for awhile…
The second, my husband is truly my very best friend and will chose me every freaking time. He loves me so much! I did finally talk to him (this is the longest blog ever) and I cried and broke down and told him the hard truth. I told him what I did to our kids, I told him I didn’t come to him and tell him what was happening like we’ve talked about before. He didn’t come at me with a bit of judgement or a single critical word. He came with love, understanding and strength that I so needed. He reenforced to me the importance of talking to him no matter what and he would do anything…ANYTHING to make sure I was good. He loves me more than his work, a 9 hour drive back home…whatever. He will make sure I’m okay…always but I have to talk to him. I’ve gotten multiple text messages from him since that talk just checking on me. How on Earth did I ever get so lucky? I don’t deserve it, not at all. But I am so grateful for his love everyday. He takes me as I am, all messed up. He still wants me.
Third, every-time chaos happens…I find out a little more who will actually show up for me and who just won’t. It’s fine…really. At first it does hurt, then I take it for what it is and remember who I do have. Then I take my very small group of people who message me back, call me, and send me messages…and I love and appreciate them even more.
I am not vlogging today for obviously reasons but mostly because writing will forever and always be my number one. Today my soul needed to writing. I needed to just go at it and not stop until I felt like everything in me was totally and utterly emptied out. I needed to get it all out so that tomorrow when I take my kids to the Zoo…I’m good. I need to throw it all up and confess my crap mom moment so that I can process what a totally jerk I was and never in my life… in my children life ever treat them like that again. I needed to writing it all out and share all my messy and embarrassing mental state with you so maybe some other mama and daddy out there knows…I get it and I does in fact suck! But do what is right. Care for your kids, care for you and handle your mental state in whatever way you can. If you need to clean and then re-clean your kitchen, bathroom, living room and maybe even your car to burn the crazy energy do it. But I think it’s safe to say WE have all learned a very important lesson here…talk to someone. Find someone. This was my biggest mistake in this whole mess. I will not make it again.
Look, I know I am a strong person, both physical and mental to some points but everyone has breaking point…everyone. I am a strong person with many weakness and this is where my faith is everything to me. My faith is my real strength. I have totally and absolute faith that God will get me through this nasty little spot because He has already gotten me through far worse than this. This is a small bump in the road. I am not making light of my mishandling of my kids, no not at all. I am saying I know God forgives, and God will guide me out of this dark spot. All I need to do is focus on Him and His word. I trust this.
I am taking my meds and supplements, today while on the phone with Jason I ordered my *Serenity from doTERRA and I will finally be able to sleep normally and take care of this anxiety like I should have been for the last month!
Tonight I will finish up this blog and feel relieved that it’s been processed and it’s out. I mean, there is part of me that is pretty scared. After all, I look pretty horrible in this blog. But I’m coming at this, this way…just maybe you will all with forgive me too. Maybe some other person will read this and feel less alone in their pain and anxiety. Just maybe this entirely far to long blog will reinsure you all that I am in fact 100% real with you and honest and all me. Even the ugly, even sad, the embarrassing and the all the stuff most people would not want to share with their best friend. I give it all in hopes, it helps you like it helps me. That it brings us closer and you know without a doubt how much I love. I just simple love. So when I am in a dark place it is not me. That’s not who I am , the kind of mom I am, wife or friend I am. I love.