What a process this crazy life can be. I have to work incredible hard to keep this positive attitude of love and joy, in full gear. After all, I am an empath… people and places can change my vibe in seconds and usually not for the better. Then you add in the fact that I have been taught to hold my feelings in and be as tough as nails! Well, that turns out to be a complete mess all around for every one.
The truth is, I haven’t been living my best life. I wasn’t really even living much of life at all. I’ve been more like a badly programmed robot! I wasn’t giving a chance to develop or embrace the person I was meant to be. So over time as I have gotten older and the stress of being an adult took its licks on me, I just sank deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. I got more and more frustrated, lost and hopeless. It lead to deeper depression and more and more carelessness of life all together. I just didn’t think I mattered much. I stopped doing anything for myself. I didn’t see the point. I understood why people wouldn’t like me more; than why they would. I didn’t like me much either.
Being a wife and mother was and is so important to me but it also left me feeling like a prisoner in my own life. They mattered, I did not. They needed hot meals, I did not. They needed good healthy products, I did not….and so on. I went without.
I was so used up. I felt abused and used at work, by my family and I had no one who cared if I was okay. I didn’t care if I was happy. I was a mess!
It was November 2017, depression and anxiety were the worse it had ever been. I needed an outlet terrible. I found WordPress. I have always loved to write since I was very young…not saying that I have mad writing skills or anything but I love it never the less! I love to read, history and be connected to people. Becoming part of this community was awesome for me.
I started to work through so much. I dug deep into my memories psyche and started to take that long walk. I got help along the way that gave me challenge to push harder. I still hit some nasty bumps and got plenty beat up on this road but to be at this place now, it’s beyond worth it… it’s everything!
I wanted to do better and do more. It started one day in my closet. I was reading a book by Carl Lentz called Own The Moment. This book by the way, is freaking amazing! I read it and have the book and have high lighter marks throughout the book! It’s just simple the best! Anyway, the book had really stirred something in. I was on fired about… maybe 10 things… which in my world is too many!
- Bonding with my daughter and having the best life long relationship with each other ever in life…yes-for real!
- Building strong charter and conviction in my son.
- Making sure my son and daughter are mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy and strong.
- Getting the toxins out of my body and out of my life!
- Stop the meds that are ruin my freaking life!
- Get my business site up and running and make some money! Share my passions with the world! (That’s like 3)
- Do better by me, love me and care for me because that is an INSIDE JOB! Whatever it takes!
- Love my body by thanking God for all it does for me daily!
- Eat healthy, find a healthy Lifestyle that works for the family and our values. (That’s like 3 too)
- Do what I love, trust my abilities and let God handle the rest…what the heck does that mean?
- Get busy growing and learning and do better! Get to know the community I care so much about! Figure out how to connect and share more!
- Let the bad go and don’t ever go back for it!
- Share your love, light and joy with the world and everything will be just fine in my soul!
- Embrace who I am and the right people will come to me. Don’t chase anyone ever again.
- Trust your faith.
- A happy wife makes a happy husband. Let Jason know how thankful I am everyday!
Okay, okay that was more than 10… I told you that my mind is full and about to explode at all times. SO….I read this amazing book and I am pumped! I just got back from a dōTERRA Summit in South Dakota and I am thinking to myself…damn girl, you have been doing pretty awesome lately. Why is that? I thought to myself on the way back home but it was that night that I went and sat in my closet again. I realized I haven’t had to come in to this closet in over a month… no longer, 2 months. I haven’t even noticed. I sat there on the floor and said a short prayer.
Thank You God for helping me to trust myself. Thank You God for setting that 5-year-old , me free. I won’t let You down. Thank You.
I remember that last day I sat in my closet with tears running down my face. I was so frustrated and so over anything!
I cried out to God…
Why am I this way? I want so badly to happy, I feel it inside but I can’t let it out. I feel scared and nervous every single day! Lord, please if this is how my life is going to be then please, don’t let it hurt my kids. I want so badly for them to have a better life than I had. Please, God set me free from this prison I’ve built!
I stayed there in my closet for over an hour just crying but when I walked out of that closet, I was done. The very next day I decided I had work to do.
I have always felt like God had bigger things in life for me. But I couldn’t reach it in my fog. He never left me hopeless. He stayed right by my side, being my light in the dark. How grateful I am.
Now I have SO MUCH to start sharing with you all, in so many ways! I am excited and nervous but hey, this is just another charter in my book. I hope so much you will join in and come with me!
This is just life, enjoy it!