I have been less. Less of what I should and needed to be at times. But being less isn’t always a bad thing. It can be very humbling to be able to look at yourself, your life and be realize you need to be less. But there is also a time to be more.
I have this nasty habit of being really mean to myself. I have judgements on everything! No joke! I harass myself on my weight, my skin, my clothes, my mothering abilities or lack thereof… being a good wife, daughter, sister, friends, Christian, even housekeeper. Did I workout as hard I really could have? Did I eat to much? Not enough or the wrong things? I freak out on myself over just about everything. I will make myself feel guilty for being lonely or for being too independent! I will stare in the mirror and just pick myself apart! I just don’t think I deserve to be comfortable, cared for, happy or even healthy at times. I know this is absolutely incorrect and these are complete lies! Somehow they still creep up in my head. It’s a war zone in my head sometimes. It’s makes me nuts because I truly believe different!
The TRUTH is I don’t deserve the Love or the Grace that God gives me daily. I do fail Him over and over. However, He wants me to be more then just bones and skin walking on this earth, feeling sorry for myself. I want that too! He, My God, has MORE for me in this life than that!
I believe I have a calling for MORE
*God gave me the responsibility of these babies! I have two amazing kids! They need a HEALTHY mama! So I need to be in good shape for them physically, mentally and emotionally! I need and want to be able to be there for them as the grow and they start to explore and experience this very strange world we live in. I want to be here to love them, teach them, guide them and make some awesome memories with them!
*My HEALTH is important but I need to calm down. So I am obsessed! I weigh myself many times a day. I have a love/ hate relationship with my scale. Because of my other health junk, I have been known to loose 10 pounds in a few days and then the next week gain 7 pounds back. So I love it when I’m down the 10 and want to throw my scale out the window when I’m up! I know it’s my health junk that causes this craziness, not me but still I play the game! What the heck is wrong with me?
What I need to realize is as long as I am doing what my doctors have asked me to do and staying active…I’m fine. I need to be happy and stop freaking myself out. AND stop weighting myself all the time! Damn you scale!
What it comes down to is I am a daughter of The King and I need to be nice to myself. Us women can really beat ourselves up. Which brings me to this little lady…
This is my daughter Grace and me at one of her school functions! She is a sassy little thang for sure! She also copies me…copies every little thing I do! When I say I look bloated, guess who else starts to do that? Or when I say my face looks so old…yep next thing I know she’s taking about needing a special moisturizer… really!
First of all, She’s so beautiful! I may be bias but I would love to have her skin, her eyes and she’s crazy smart! She’s reading 2 grade levels above her grade and always has been that way. Everything she touches she does perfectly…she’s one of those! I’m sure it drives her brother nuts! She’s always been a go gett’er! Very independent and so smart, talented and beautiful inside and out!
I need to remember I have these little perfect eyes and ears on me all the time. And she thinks I am the best thing that ever was! So when I am I tearing myself down, that’s really confusing to her. I am ripping apart her favorite person! The person she looks up to and loves! That’s horrible! I am done doing this, for her sake if nothing else! I’m teaching her the wrong way. I need to be MORE for her. I need to be better!
Being MORE girlie! This may seem shallow to some. However, I have a daughter who loves to dance, sing, dress up, use makeup and just be a girl! She love being all things fancy and totally fab! This could not be more different than who I am! But what’s wrong with embracing your girlie side! I’m up for the challenge!
*I was never told I was pretty, or even “good” at anything for that matter. I never really knew how to be a real girl. I didn’t dress the part well. I wanted to be more girl… sometimes but I didn’t know what I was doing or how to do it. But now I have a daughter! I need to be able to show her how to use makeup, dress, what’s truly important inside! We may be learning this girl thing together!
This was NOT me growing up, not even a little. I mean I liked to smell good, be clean and I used maybe 2 or 3 different makeup products. Face wash, a cheap compress power and waterproof mascara. Mostly, I was and still am in love with and have a strong addiction to Beeswax Chapstick! I would do my hair… sometimes. I mean wash it, brush it, ponytail…done! Not the best mix for a very girlie daughter or when your husband would like to see a softer side once in awhile.
As I got older I tried to do better but I had no one to teach me what to do or how to do it. I didn’t have the internet to watch tutorial and figure it out! I was a broke college kid, so it was Walgreens/CVS makeup for me! Who am I kidding it still is! 🙂
Well, I have gone 100% all in. I am learning how to be a girlie girl and it’s weird! I am learning how to dress softer but without giving up being comfortable. How to do my makeup and what in the world all these brushes and products are for! I played makeup with Grace for 4 hours Saturday and it was so fun! We did our makeup together Sunday too! I’m surprised how much I loved it!
Grace was so happy to have all my attention and be doing a total girlie thing! I made her day! We bonding in a way I didn’t even know we could happen. I never sat with my mom before and played with makeup. Grace and I got on YouTube and start following Jaclyn Hill, She’s great and so funny too! If you haven’t seen her tutorials, I so recommend it! We just started coping her videos! We had so much fun but you know what I was actually was most shocked over? I left my house with more confidence then I ever had before because I looked damn good!
Being a girl isn’t so bad! I feel good, I look good, my daughter is happy and we are happier together because I am meeting a need for her. My husband is happy because I don’t look like a dude… although he says he likes the nature look…right…I so believe you..NOT! I am happy because I am slowly creeping out of my bubble. I am caring for myself in a few different ways. This makes me feel plain good and able to do more for others!
Who knew a little thing like praying every morning and sending out a group text to people you care for would change hearts. Or drinking more water … changing one thing in my health routine would make a huge different. Learning how to embrace my girl-ness would bring me and my daughter closer and make me feel a new confidence! Being more in small ways adds up to big things.