I have rewrote this blog multiple times now. This has just been one of those weeks I can’t get my stuff together. I’m not flowing how I need and want to be. I’ve made so many changes until I just had to start over. I’ve been up and down with emotions of joy and self-achievement, along with major disappointments. I’ve had some new revelations and discoveries about my world. I’ve accept both new and old things in myself and in others.
And I want to share it all with you! It ends up looking and reading like a totally mess…imagine how it is in my head!
My Writing Process
My writing process is to write/type out my blog, usually from my journals and free writing or moments in my life I’m swimming in at the time and then let it sit for a bit. Later I’ll come back to it after sometime and do a re-read. I do this to see how it reads to me, how I feel about it now that some time has pasted. Do I want to share everything that I’ve put out there? Do I want to share more/less? Does it make sense? Am I coming across the way I want to? Are my words reflecting my feelings in the way I want them too? Is it real? Does it reflect my heart and the moment I am in?
I try not publish in the heat of the moment. I totally write in the heat of the moment but I really try to never publish that way.
I deleted this blog so many times and then rewrote it again, just to delete it and start again! I was in the moment, it was all real. But when I came back to it I didn’t see myself in my writing anymore. I wasn’t feeling it anymore. Ever been there?
I know why I wasn’t connecting to my writing… it’s because I am in a good place but I feel really guilty for that. There are plenty of things around me that aren’t so great. I should be sadder, I should be more mad. But I am not. I am actually super proud of myself and feel pretty good.
I feel more love now, more peace now, and more empathy now than I ever have. I know people want a crazy reaction out of me. But all I want is for it to stop snowing in Minnesota! And be able to do the Crow Kakasana Yoga Pose without snapping my neck! (I’m so close!) It’s not the serious people!
Where Is My focus
(this is where my writing gets messy)
Feed Your Spirit & Create Your Environment
I’ve struggled with low-self-esteem my whole life. It’s not a constant thing for me but when it hits, it hits hard! So I am trying to celebrate or at least just be proud of myself when I’ve done something good! I’ve pushed myself extra, gone out of my comfort zone, done an extra workout, hit my goals…ya, know! Throw myself a little party!
Feeding myself with good books, blogs and other motivating and inspiring articles helped me a ton! I keep up with my prayer time and devotions. Growing my relationship with God has really kept me grounded. Also I listen to good music all the time. I have to say having good music in my ear has to be one of the most important tools for me to stay upbeat! I don’t give myself time to get down on mysef.
I have a good circle of people around me I believe. I have people to confide in, laugh with and count on. It’s an amazing feeling. I have friends now that are more like family than my actually family… who knew that would happen. To know I have people to rely on is indescribable. I am so grateful!
I keep up with my working out and meditations. Am NOT becoming a skinny hot super model? No..not yet…but I am doing things I couldn’t imagine doing 6 months ago. I am more flexible, stronger and have more energy. And most importantly… being a mama, I’m less irritable. That’s a blessing for everyone!
I am a work in progress and I will always be. I am up and down. Far from perfect and I will never be and that’s fine. But I do my best to feed my body, mind and soul with the good stuff! So when I am hit with negative thoughts or other peoples bad vibes start to take a toll on me, I’m in a better place to fight it off, shake it off, blow it off…process it… let that s**t go. Ya, with me…
Out Of My Comfort Zone
I am not a huge person at all (far from it) but I am also not a tiny little thing either. I guess I’d be considerate average and I need to tone up! I’ve done every workout, health plan, diet…BS out there. But when your health goes a little haywire you have to do something!
In 2014 I had my first seizure and everything changed for me. I have migraine induce seizures and I swear I PTSD from it. I’ve had a totally of 6 still then. I do everything I can to keep them from coming on. I have to take some pretty nasty medication to keep them at bay but they still happen at times and the set backs are horrible. Plus the medication comes with some awful side effects. My balance, memory and concentration has never been the same. Even my vision isn’t the same.
Having bad balance makes Yoga more than difficult for me with certain poses but it’s a challenge I am taking on. I know I look “straight up” like I failing a sobriety test badly. Did I mention this is Hot Yoga, so I am beyond a sweaty…I’m soaked! Dizziness come on easily, mini blackouts but I won’t stop! I’m a hot mess when I get out of there. Drip away fat.. drip away! I just want to punch Hot Yoga in the face when I’m in there but when I get out, I’m so happy! I made Hot Yoga my b***h!
I have always loved Yoga but never went to a real class before I moved here to Minnesota. I didn’t want to be the “fat girl” or the one who looked like a fish out of water. I was way too worried what everyone would think of me. So I did Yoga alone from the privacy of my bedroom. I didn’t even want to tell anyone. Now I am part of a class and I love it!
That great thing about working out with a friend is accountability. You don’t want to let each other down by missing a class. I guess that’s with anything…when you have people counting you… you do better or at least I do.
The awesome thing about being part of a class is they push you to go farther, longer and harder than you would ever go on your own. You learn the correct positions and strategies to get into those poses. It’s an awesome group of people who are all after the same thing as you. Healing, peace, balance, health.
You Go Girl
I’ve had some big Yoga achievement the last two weeks, I’ve been working hard on a few things. The Side Plank…the real one. My forearm balancing strength, the Camel and the Wheel pose. I don’t have them down smooth and graceful like all the YouTube Yoga masters but I can do it! And that’s awesome! I threw myself a dance party!
I also did something else way…way out of my comfort zone! I am going to a doTERRA Wellness Summit in South Dakota in May! Normal this is something I would “want’ to do but without anyone to drag me along I wouldn’t put myself out there. So this is actually super huge for me. As I hit the “buy tickets” button, I could feel the anxiety building up inside me! I’m excited and a nervous wreck at the same time.
I also have connected to some pretty positive and inspiring people over the last couple days. I am doing everything I can to keep my circle fun and joyful, understanding and honest. I am realizing how much I need to be able to laugh and how good that feels! I have people in my world who will except me for me with all my faults and who understand the meaning of Truth in Love. I think I have a good circle.
So in this moment with some not so great things happen on the outside… I have some really awesome things happening on the inside! Maybe one day everything will match up.. than again… maybe not.