Safe In Your Arms

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It’s been awhile since I’ve felt protected, safe, cared for, and truly loved. I miss that comfort of knowing I have someone who is there to watch out for me, someone who has a general want to make my life better.

the wind pushes & pulls me. i don’t know where it will take me. it’s loud in my head. i am running wildly in too many directions. i am scribbles on paper. until you grab my kite strings & the wind is now a perfect breeze. i am flying high. now i am guided & protected & safe in your hands.

 

Reality bites…

I have been taking care of myself, my kids, my house, my vehicle…health matters, finances, snow removal..me…yard…me… etc, alone but here’s the kicker, I am actually married. I am not a single mom, I only play one.

Now I am not here to bash my husband. He is an awesome amazing guy. He is seriously the nicest person you will ever meet. He is smart, handsome, funny, and makes friends so easily! He ends up being friends with everyone he meets. He’s a very hard worker. His work ethic is amazing. It’s so good I could puke! I have never seen anything like it. In fact he’s so good at his career that I think he forgets his other major role in life, man of the house. My husband. Father of our children. HELLO! It’s me… over here… the one that had these kids! 

I love my husband too much sometime, I think. He really is my best friend. I will protect him and tell him the truth… but I will protect him over the truth at times too. So there are times I feel I don’t always come clean with my feelings to save him from pain. Because we all know the truth can hurt! I know he has done this for me too in the past. But they say TRUTH in LOVE. We need to be honest now! I need to tell him that I can’t keep this up this way anymore.

Remember When…

Our parents play a roll in our relationships. It’s a fact weather we like it or not. My Dad did somethings as I was growing up that I hated but he also was the ultimate protector. He could fix just about anything and if he didn’t know how it do it then he would figure it out. He didn’t buy a new one or cry like a baby about it until his mom or wife figured it out for him. He did all the outside work, heavy lifting, carrying groceries, cleaning my mom’s car off, warming up her car and anything else that he could do the serve her needs as a husband. He took special care to make sure that my Mom, me and my sisters were protected. I knew without a doubt he would take a bullet for me! He may have scared the crap out of me more times than I can count but he is the first person I would go to if I were in trouble! My Dad gave us a sense of security.

Jason never really had a father figure. He had a “real” dad but he was only around for convenience, when it suited him. He had a step dad at one point but that guy didn’t amount to much of a role model as a dad or even a human for that matter… he was a horrible person (my opinion). So Jason never really had the experience of a tough, strong, protector, father, leader, man of the house figure.

So as I over think this… maybe that’s why we struggle in this area. My Dad was and is a very strong man. He made all us girls very strong as well. He wanted to make sure we knew how to throw a good punch, change a tired, pay our own way and think for ourselves but he also wanted us to marry a strong, smart, honest man who would care, protect and honor us. So yes, we can handle ourselves, we girls are completely able to care for ourselves and our children without men but my Dad wanted us to pick a man that would never put his daughters in a position to have to.

crying my closet i am alone in my safe place. i want to be alone but that is why i cry, from pure loneness. when will i be okay with my situation and stop feeling sorry for myself. when will i find peace and joy again. when will you come back and stop over selling a better life to me. when will i stop believing it.

I am a strong person. I am snarky, smart, and I don’t do stupid well. I know living with me can be a challenge. Jason is sweet, gentle, kind, and soft- hearted. Some might even say I am the mean one… I would never! I know that I can be tough but what made me want to spend the rest of my life with Jason was that he protected me and made me feel safe. He would never let anything come between us. It’s always been God, then me, then kids…always.

I remember a time I had my Dad on speaker phone as my Dad is preparing to read me my rights as if I’m still his 16 year old daughter, Jason spoke up to my defense. He wasn’t going to let anyone including my Dad talk down to me. Jason was completely respectful to my Dad but he handle the situation like a man would. Jason didn’t want one tear to fall from my eye… not a sad one at least. Where did those days goes.

Till The Very End…

I battle the worlds craziness by myself. I fight alone, I cry alone. I pray for God to help me. And God walks by my side but the partner He gave me is gone…he isn’t there…

So where do I go from here? Jason has a job where he travels, so he really isn’t here often. I feel like that’s an excuse because he has always has a high stress job our whole relationship, that has taken him away from his family. What’s crazy… or actually not so crazy, is he seem to handle the stress and high responsible of his work life, far better than his marriage or his family. When looking back at his own family, that makes perfect sense. He has always said the one thing both his Mom and “real” dad ever taught him was work ethic. Jason does excel is that area. It’s the one thing that comes so natural to him. The rest… we’re working on…

I do believe Jason wants to be everything that I need him to be. He was that guy once before. Over time we get complacence with each other. That’s a truly a dangerous place to be. Because the other things that I saw growing up that I don’t want in my marriage, and I can see it happening now, is totally disregard for each other. I won’t do that! Life is to short.

i see you like it was yesterday. fresh eyes. fun & freedom. before the weight of the world came crashing down on us. what did we know. everything & nothing. we had everything at our finger tips & we let it go & it felt fine. a beautiful simple life, us, a tent & our dog. the easy, sweet loving days, sunsets, cool breezes & sunny days. I miss those sweet touches. smiles & stolen kisses. I was never happier, never safer..oh Lord take me back.

Back when Jason was at his high pace crazy job in Colorado, he handle so much more than he does now. I felt like he was the leader of our home. I felt like we were a team. I need that guy back.

I am proud of all I have done on my own here. But I want the man I marriage to step back into his marriage as my protector, the person I turn to in good and bad times. Who watches over me and care for his wife and family more then himself because he know his wife in return cares for him more then herself. I miss that guy.

To be continue….

xoxo sk

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