An Unwell Mind…
Unproductive, bitter, grumpy, lethargic, irritable, frustrated, disappointed, hopeless, heartbroken, paranoid, uncertain, apprehensive, concerned, discouraged, disconnected, aggravated, abandoned, utterly sad, emotionless, rejected, cranky… these are just a few of the words to describes my relentless mind/emotions in the last week. I did NOT like myself!
It’s hopeless…Everyday you wake up, pour yourself some coffee and deal with whatever life gives you. It’s the same glummy muckery (I may have made that up… yeah, I’m sure I did) every single day.
The JOY and LOVE that I once felt so strongly was done. Just plain gone. What happened to me? I was fine. I was doing great actually. I have been doing my Yoga everyday and Meditations. I used my Essential oils! My diet is on point…most the time. What went wrong to make my positive vibe and outlook on my future turn to such a negative, dark place so drastically?
Guys, real talk… I was laying on my closet floor crying my face off. The heaviness of life just seemed so sad and too much at that moment. It was all just to sad and I was so depressed. All I could do was cry and feel hopeless and I don’t even know why really. I just couldn’t snap out of it!
I was alone, taking care of two kids! My one child was sick with a nasty head cold and the other child I have been going in circles with their teachers over their IEP not being followed at school and guess what? Now, my other child has the damn flu! Not to mention that no one is happy in my house. Somehow this is my fault, by the way! Everyone is griping about something! All I hear all day long is how someone wants something different than what they have. They needs more stuff because nothing is good enough for them! They just aren’t happy and life should be better for them! I am surrounded by people who are pissed off all the time. And I feel like I am giving way more of myself than I am receiving. I’m feeling a little ripped off!
I have worked so hard to not take on other peoples emotions and set good healthy boundaries! It takes a huge amount of effort for me. Having healthy emotional boundaries with my friends and family has been a major factor in all my relationships for as long as I can remember. I thought I was getting somewhere, good place. But this last week…two weeks while doing my mental health challenge, along with the emotions/moods of the other people in my life, it took me over without me even realizing it. I had a set back.
Since we were kids, we have all heard that we are only in control of ourselves and no one can make us do anything or feel a certain way. Right?
It was after my mini breakdown of bawling in my closet and feeling like a complete failure at life in every way possible that I knew something bigger was happening to me. I needed to pray and sleep. I wiped my face, turned my diffusers on and I prayed.
I prayed that God would tell me what I am doing wrong? What in the world is wrong with me? That God would let me know if I am doing anything right at all? I am a mom and a wife and everyone is unhappy….or it seems this way. I need to help Lord to change the vibe in the atmosphere! I prayed to God for a release of this tightness in my chest, my throat and my head. I needed this pain, this tension to go away! I prayed for peace, rest, love and JOY again for me and for everyone I am near because I want JOY for everyone! But also I feel like something is happening to me when I am near people. what is it? I closed my eyes and finished crying myself to sleep that night. That was a sad lonely night. Maybe one of the worse in a long time.
Only in my dreams
My dreams have always been one of the main ways the Holy Spirit and my loved ones that have passed guide me and speak to me. I had been spoken to that night and I felt it everywhere. My whole being was aching! I woke up that morning still overly tired, my body was sore and I felt like my whole body was a mangled mess. I could hardly move at all, even my face hurt. Every slight movement I made I heard my body creak and crack. I laid there trying to stretch out my sore broken body and figure out what happen to me. I knew I went to bed sad and crying. As I continued to gather my thoughts and pull myself together from a startling way to wake up, flashes of my dream started to come to me. Wow.
My dream was very vivid and everything was super bright. It was hard to see at first. I had been running a lot but it was all slow motions. I don’t think I running from anyone but I knew I needed to move faster, I just couldn’t and I was letting people down because of it. I remember siting in front of a mirror and my skin was peeling off my face. I wasn’t scared by this or even worried. I think I felt good to pull the skin off. Then I sitting in a dark place outside under a tree, a tree I have seen in other dreams. I was crying uncontrollably, then I would just have tears running down my face and I couldn’t make them stop. Then people were crowded around me telling me to stop crying but I don’t know why I was crying.. Then I saw myself as if I were watching a movie and I was breathing super fast than struggling to breath at all. I was back alone under the tree now. There was a door in the tree and in other dreams I have gone inside that door but this time I could not get in. I saw my Dad walking towards me and I thought he was going to help me but he laughed at me and walked away. But I remember in my dream he felt bad he left me and he wished he had made a different choice. Somewhere in my dream a random person I don’t know tells me this about my Dad feeling sorry about that. The next thing I knew I was in the backseat of a car and my husband was driving. He was driving crazy and I was hitting all sides of the car. He wasn’t paying attention at all, his hands were not on the wheel and he wasn’t not looking a the road at all! Then Jason, my husband jumped out of the car and I crashed into something…I can’t remember. I woke up with a jolt, my heart pounding hard in my chest! I sat up and my eyes were stuck together from dried tears. Breathe…breathe….it’s a dream. Thank goodness. It’s all a dream but it felt real. My body felt it, my head felt and I was so sad. My emotions felt it. I knew that my dreams were speaking to me. What did all mean?
I started writing everything I could remember and the meanings behind it all. The running in slow motion- possible lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Yes I would agree. I haven’t felt as good about myself I as had before.
Being blinded by a bright light- I did not know what this meant but what I researched was this could mean is a higher level of awareness and feelings. Empath? I’m come back to that.
The feeling of letting people down- Being unhappy and worry in waking life. I would also agree. But I am not feeling this way, I am just around people who are and that effects me greatly.
Looking into mirrors- This is how you see yourself or possible others. It could also be an unwillingness to acknowledge my emotions. I agree 100%, yes!
Peeling off skin on my face- Blocking feelings and needing to express myself. It could be about going through a personal transformation. I am going through change. I am embracing the change but that doesn’t mean it’s easy at all.
Being alone under the Tree-
Tree-New beginnings, developments and growing as an individual- This all true for me!
Hiding- Safe-guarding, being confused and threatened- I have felt this way lately, that I need to protect myself but I have not been able to.
Alone in the dark- Feeling depressed, uncertain and possible danger may come your way. -I do suffer from depression and I am doing work daily… no by the minute to take care of myself. I feel uncertain at times but there are many times I feel do certain about things… it all depends. Danger? I’ll leave that right there.
Crying- This is a release of negative or just painful emotions and doing this in my dreams was just a safe way for my subconscious to release it.
Locked doors- I’m not 100% about this but what I researched was that this could mean my goals are out of reach or something is blocking me from them. I do feel this way but I don’t talk about it…ever.
Seeing my Dad- Seeing your Father in your dreams usually means authority and someone you trust very much. All this is very true from me but this part I believe was the reason I saw my Dad. Trying to process hurt and pain from the past. Because of the mental health challenge I am doing, I had to write out an I Forgive you statement and an I Understand statement. Writing to my Dad and to my Mom were very emotional for me but I will say I felt so good when I was done. I think me seeing him was because of this.
Driving crazing- Reckless, bad decisions made by the driver. This could even possible be a warning that the driver is being irresponsible in waking life. I dreamt that Jason, my husband was driving so possible, subconsciously I feel this way about him with our life. Again, I am working on my I Forgive and I Understand statements so this does make sense.
Being A Passenger/Backseat-Allowing another person to control you in your waking life or I may not be taking responsibility for things happening in my waking. Both I would say are true. Also not having a clear vision about your life in general… this may be partly true… but only partly!
To crash (car accident & Jason jumped out)- This is an on going conflict I have in my life. It could be me avoiding confrontation (my challenge). It’s an inner emotional state and deep anxieties and fear that are completely out of my control. Jason jumping out of car is his unhappiness or wanting out of this current situation or just the way life is right now. It may have nothing to do with me or everything. But I will say with all this traveling he does and living in MN in the winter, we all have had it. He has started looking for our next move. So this all makes sense too.
But I was in pain from this dream. I felt like I was really was in a car accident and my eyes were swollen from crying. That dream was real to me. All of me felt it!
Hypnagogic jerk or Hypnic jerk- This happens when your brain thinks your body is dying. It’s an involuntary twitch that occurs while you’re asleep.
Crying Yourself Awake- This is your mind finally releasing a deep level of grief that you have held or pushed back. This is a good healing process and needs to happen.
Who I am…
First off, I know I should give myself a break. I am healing and healing is a process. I am doing this without any support other than my husbands and my doctors. I am bound to have some slip ups. I am only human. I am still miles from where I use to be and that is amazing. I am still doing a terrific job! I should and I AM proud of that.
Next, I think two things are going on with me right now. I am winded up and I’m in a fragile emotional state because of my mental health challenge. (Just to refresh everyone memory, my challenge was two parts, Visualization about my life, routines, goals, fitness, relationships, etc. and putting the past in the past in a loving way. I am doing this by writing, I Forgive you and I Understand statements. This had been both very tough and very good for me. Either way it’s open things up in my head and my heart.) I also, after researching my dream and taking consideration on how my moods and emotion are effected drastically by the people and environment I am in and around I came across a this word Empath… a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. I know anytime you add the word “paranormal” it sounds crazy and weird and I have enough of that in my world but I am an Empath. This is how I know.
What is an Empath?
My whole life I have been able to do this and it’s made being around groups, crowds of people really uncomfortable to me. I have never known how I felt truly because I am always taking on the feelings or emotions of other people. When I finally am way from people I am absolutely exhausted. I have spent a large amount of my life being exhausted and avoiding people. And I mean dead tired, like when you could sleep very nicely on the sidewalk and be fine with that. That is me!
I have always just felt like I know what’s going on. I can’t explain how I know, I just know. I can pick out the lair in the room. So just don’t! Sometimes I will pick up the emotions of people even if there aren’t right in the room with me. If someone in my life is going through something, it’s as if I am going through it too. Good or bad. Everything effects me, I’m talking videos, TV, article that I read, all of it. Any of it can make me incredible sad and in tears or raging mad. This is why I never watch any shows or movies to do with our Military, children, elderly or animals…I just can’t take it. But I also am moved deeply and feel JOY and love in the same way.
I get every cold, sickness, allergy…whatever. I take my vitamins, workout, and it doesn’t matter I’m gonna get sick! And wouldn’t you just know it! Digestive issues like IBS, which I was just diagnosed with. Not to mention other things like chronic headaches or migraine…which I also have and take daily medication for. I have them so bad in fact that they have caused me to have seizures. Another thing is Empath always feel or become friends with the unliked or bullied. That was me and still is. Actually the people who are the bullies make me sick to my stomach and I mean that, physical sick! I have a deep compassion for little guy, the hurt and weak.
I have become the diary for some people and their problems. I have can handle some people but others I can’t because they are too much of the other stuff listed above. It is okay to be a shoulder to lean because we are great listener and friends but becoming someone dumping grounds is a huge problem! I tend to retreat and hide to recharge myself. I do this to protect myself and give my mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing a break. I don’t get to do this often anymore since we moved and I have notice it big time!
What do you know! Empath like to write, tell stories, draw, sing, music and dance! All things I love so much! These things are outlets for me in meditation and just make me feel good! I also need the outdoors and trees! I need my animals. Living here in Minnesota has made this very challenging for sure! And could be why I have crashed so hard with this depression and anxiety. I find such peace when I am outside, I can feel the sun and breath in fresh air into my lungs. An Empath love animals, my dogs are my life line truly. I don’t think everyone gets how important these babies are to me and what they do for my mental health.. I would take every animal in if I could. They have become especially important to me during this process. I am so thankful for them.
Being label as lazy…I was called lazy my whole life but I wasn’t. I was just different and I had no one to take the time to embrace me and help me through the difficult and confusing times. An Empath will find doing anything that is boring or just unlikable a painful task. Can you imagine this as a child. An Empath will daydream and it will seem like they are zoning out. They have very vivid dream, which obviously, I do! Either way we succeed and go far beyond when it’s something we enjoy and have passion for. I was a teacher in Colorado with Pre-schooler and I loved it…mostly.
Another thing that is true for me is when something is untold or untrue, I need the truth to come out. I feel incurably wronged until the truth is reviled. It’s almost like something personally against me. I feel weighted down a lot, like a heaviness. I am also a free spirt completely trusting in God’s Will for me. It’s an overwhelming confusing feeling that I can’t make sense of. We Empathic’s can carry lot without overreacting! But rules, or being controlled is no good for us and makes an Empath feel trapped or imprisoned. I am relating to this a little to much right now.
Empath people also can carry extra weight (physically) on them even if they are health and don’t over eat. This is their bodies way of protecting us from negative vibes. We are also great listener and people want to talk to us. Our friends and family come to us with everything, all the good and all the bad. This is were good healthy boundaries come in.
Empath can not stand people with ego issues and put themselves before everyone. If you act like your sh** don’t stink, we are not going to be friends. We have no issue letting you know where we stand either. Sometimes we may come off disconnected or moody.We can be social one minute and then unsocially the next and not even to know why. I don’t mean to be this way.
So what does this all mean? Well to me it means that I am on a different level of healing. I mean it will take a different approach. I have been told my whole life to be tough, be strong, don’t cry, stop crying, toughen up…I am strong and I cry and feeling deeply doesn’t make me less strong at all. However, I know I need to figure out how to channel all this. I am not like everyone else and that’s okay. That’s actually pretty awesome. I wish someone would had told 13 year old Sarah that.
So I here my challenge I wrote for me:
I Forgive you statement:
I forgive you younger Sarah for always being too scared to try. That really held us back so much. I wish you would have put yourself out there more. I wish you wouldn’t had cared what people thought. Sarah- I wish I could go back in time and tell you not to listen to your parents or your own voices so much because you’re so smart and so funny. You are beautiful and creative. Trust in your talents! You are good! Don’t stop dancing, you have a gift, keep going. find a way. Keep Ice skating, you are good! Find a way! Don’t wait for your parents to figure it out for you. You have to fight for what you love. You have always been creatives, a great artist, writer and lover of animals and the outdoors. Don’t lose that. I forgive you for losing your way many times and being very mean to us. It wasn’t all your fault. You didn’t have the support that you craved but I forgive you for giving up on us. Sarah- the world will let you down over and over so you have to have JOY and LOVE live inside us. I forgive you that this has been a struggle and you have waited on love and acceptances from others… it will never fill us the way we need. Sarah- I forgive you for not believing you are enough, you can trust yourself, you can be yourself, and you need to love yourself… you’re the only one who ever really will. I forgive you for hurting yourself and causing yourself pain because you didn’t know what else to do and the frustration was more than you could take anymore. And I forgive you for being ashamed to cry, this isn’t all on you. You are good and I forgive you.
I Understand statement:
Dear younger Sarah, I understand you were lost, sad and hoping for better all your life. I I understand you did the best you could do with what you had in front of you but you didn’t think we were worth much effort so you stopped trying a lot. I understand how much you loved and how little love you felt back and that really mess you up. I understand that you built some big brick walls because of it and this is also why you felt alone so much. I understand you were trying to protect yourself but Sarah you cut yourself off from the world instead. I understand. I know why we did what we did and I understand that you wanted people to like you but you didn’t want to take the chance they wouldn’t like you so you never put yourself out there… plus that big wall and all those bag we carried were so heavy. It makes it hard to makes friends, find someone to care about you really… build close bonds with anyone, make mistakes and not feel like it’s the end of the world. Life was much heavier than it should have been for us but I understand why it was. I know you feel too much, too deeply and it never made sense to us why. You have a special soul, some people saw it but not many. I understand you felt guilty for feeling the way you did and we still do sometimes but that needs to end now. Let me tell you Sarah WE did nothing wrong. You were just a kid doing a lot of adult stuff and we handled it all the best we could. No more guilt, no more pain. Be free now. It is over and you know you are done with all of this. Let’s Shut the book, close the door on this. Don’t let anyone put us back in that place ever again. Be done with it! You are good. And one more thing Sarah… Thank you for not going through with it. We are worth life.