What is that? The sound in the silences. That small noises that grows louder and louder. It’s becoming threatening now. I’m in danger! What is it? Why is it so overwhelming to me? This small sound that my mind has picked out of the silence. I laid quietly in my bed, peaceful and calm. But there you are always waiting in the darkness for me as I drift off to sleep… you creep in. YOU take hold. I become paralyzed, terrorized. My body is not mine anymore. That sound, that small sound… it has now grown into a loud, controlling, invisible monster. I am so cold it hurts. I feel frozen with fear. I shake uncontrollable and I know I need help to escape this nightmare. I can’t get help, I am helpless. I can’t call out for help! I am in darkness alone, unable to make a single sound. I can’t save myself. All I can do is scream in my head! GO AWAY! I hold my breath for what feels like forever and finally… finally. I sleep.
Anxiety. The every growing monster inside me. I read a blog a couple days ago about depression and how it was like a “loaded gun”. It was a very interesting read. I felt like my anxiety could be that way. Maybe my depression and anxiety together make a special type of “loaded gun”…I don’t know. I won’t do the writer justice but basically I took the writing like this: As a gun owner, you are very careful and very attentive with your weapon. You care for it, clear it and know it well. You also lock it up and never point it at anyone…unless you plan on using it. All correct?
I thought about this and then thought about it some more. Have I ever used ( knowingly or not) my mental illness the way you would a gun? I can agree in someways. First, I am carful with it and I do take care of it because it is part of me. I know I have to be carful with myself. I do this by knowing my limitations. The things that push me to the edge and make me white knuckle life. When I neglect myself or my anxiety and depression I can become… unwell. I wouldn’t say “dangerous” like a gun but then again maybe I would? My body starts to break down, my hair falls out, the color of life in my face fades. I do become physically and emotionally sick. My emotions are hard to balance. I will hide in my closet with burning tears running down my face until I fall asleep. Some days I won’t have the energy to get out of bed, take a shower or brush my hair. I can be hot with anger, irritability and pure annoyance! I will say things I truly regret later and sometime don’t even remember saying at all. I can also make myself disappear and become impossible to find. I fade away almost completely. And let’s not get started on what I am saying to myself in my head during all this. So yes, I can be dangerous and damaging to my soul and very hurtful to others. Yes, I can be dangerous. Sadly. That really hurts when I write it out this way. But it’s the truth.
Secondly, never point it at anyone. At first I couldn’t see how that was possible. But then I think about the times I’ve been the victim of other people’s mental state. It’s then I can see how permanent pain or a life time of healing can be the effect on another life. Because of my mental state and that’s for the ones who are strong enough to fight forgiveness for themselves and others. It certainly isn’t an easy road to forgive but it’s worth the work for everyone involved. So I do have to keep my mental disorder safe and cared for and never pointed at anyone. Yep, just like a gun. I get it. I will always I have to care, manage, and protect for everyone benefits.
What I am doing to…
Saying the words mental illness has been tough. I could say I have anxiety or depression but not mental illness. But you know, it is part of me. I have excepted that. I mange to live a good life with it for the most part. I am finding out that my true personality and these anxieties, have fused together in many ways but not fully. I am also finding out there is a side of me that is carefree and can laugh with ease. That person does exist. It’s like living with migraines. You know you have them, they don’t paralyzed you daily but they do effect your choices. You know caffeine or loud sounds, bright lights, alcohol can all be triggers to bring them on. But you don’t stop going to work or leaving your house, you still encounter loud noses and bright lights and even caffeine to make it through the day, maybe enjoy an alcoholic drink with friends. You manage. You live. You do what you have to do to \care for yourself and keep the valleys at bay. It doesn’t leave you, it’s part of you and when it’s bad, it’s so bad. So you do what you can to care and protect for yourself and in some cases others from you.
Yoga- 15 Minute Morning Rise and Shine – Let the light into your space. Play mood boosting music and I use my doTERRA Essential oils. I use a mixer of Lemongrass and Spearmint or Eucalyptus and Peppermint. And I will also use Lavender to calm. I apply them to points on my skin and diffuse.
- I don’t know if it’s better than coffee but it’s pretty amazing! Doing this Yoga routine help wakes me and energize my mood for the morning. After I do this, it’s time for me to bring it all down and do my breathing exercises. It’s time for meditation.
Morning Meditations/ Prayer Time– I sit quietly, legs crossed with my mind clear and open. I repeat my pray to the Universe and thank God over and over a few times. This is my time to be thankful, to ask for guidance, love, patiences and JOY. I then am still so I can listen to GOD speak to me. I envision GOD sending His angel and His light to protect me. I envision positive things in my life and all I am thankful for. I envision the good I have now and thank God for the good to come!
- Meditation/ Prayer Time/ God Time is my favorite. You can make this time whatever you need it to be. I use it be still and peaceful. I do breathing exercises for my anxiety and listen for God to guide me. This is the last part of my morning routine before I encounter my people. I will meditate again multiply times through the day.
I will do another Yoga workout for the day and many other meditations for whatever I need them for. I will ask for energy and motivation and others times peace and serenity. I use my doTERRA Essential Oils and journaling exercises. I see a doctor, I take medication, and I do my best. I take care.