The Road… part 1

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To experience the true JOY that is right here, right now in front of me, I need to heal and let go of past pain in my life. The cycle of feeling as if I have conquered my depression and I have won over anxiety, only to an up in it’s grips again and again, has to come to an end. I want THIS TIME to be my last battle…and I will win. 

I have a suffer from depression for as long I as can remember. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew I wasn’t like anyone else. I never really fit in anywhere. Not with my classmates, not in my neighbor, and not in my home with my family. I would pray to God and ask Him why He made me at all. I am so weird and emotional. I felt things in a very strong way. I liked to write and sing, dance but only by myself. I would have never in a million years wanted a spot light of any kind put on me. I felt pathetic and less than. I was small and nothing compared to everyone else. I would have never had the nerve to put myself in a situation that brought any attention to myself…never. I sleep a lot and was sluggish all the time. I never had that spark for life. I thought about what it would be like if I wasn’t around anymore and if anyone would care. As a young child, maybe 5th grade, I knew I had a few people who might be sad. But it wasn’t until high school I stated to feel that really if I were to off myself, it would just be a huge inconvenience. But really I never wanted to die. I wanted to know that I mattered. I wanted to know that I was more important then whatever was going on at the time in our lives. I just wanted to know that someone loved me… really loved me. I was sick of people needing me, I wanted someone to want me.

Anxiety is a beast! It’s difference than depression. As I got older I started to realize that I did in fact have major depression but I had more than that. I just didn’t have a name for what it was. The blacking out, shortness of breath, feeling scared, unsafe as if I was dying. It would come and go. It would get worse in crowds of people, around yelling, or even certain people would bring on my anxiety or cause a panic attack….even if it was quite and I was alone. I had triggers but I didn’t know them and I still don’t have a full understanding of my anxiety or depression. Like the why now?

It made sense that I would get overwhelmed and even sad… like the sad that doesn’t just go away, at times when I lived in Colorado. When we lived in Colorado I had my hands full. I took on far more than my brain or hands could handle and I smiled through 90% of it. I always wanted everyone to know that I’m fine, we’re fine, it’s fine, everything’s going to be fine… you get it. I just pushed my way through the day, night, through life. I told everyone and myself that I was happy and things were great even if I felt awful because the last thing you wanted to do is to be a burden. Plus I knew everyone liked it better when I was just handling my life and was quite about it. That had been a proven fact! I did what most everyone does, worked all day,  picked up kids, worked some more, went to bed and did it all over again the next day. I wasn’t able to enjoy the beautiful and loving moments fully in my life! I didn’t have JOY! I knew I needed help a few years back for depression and I got it. I am so thankful that I did. I am thankful I finally called it out! But I didn’t do all the work. Because all the work required me to do digging and I feel super apprehensive about that.

Digging means I might cry…. who wants to cry? I sure don’t! I am on a JOY on Purpose mission! I don’t want to be sad! Digging also means I might get angry. I don’t really want to be mad at anyone or myself for that matter. Digging means I will have to openly talk… say the words… talk about things, I just don’t want to talk about. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to think about ever again. I just don’t want to go there! But digging also means I may be able to heal. I could possible after all this time be able to drop the chains, let go and be free. Because at this point, I don’t even have scars, it’s just an open wound and it’s ugly.

This part is the scary part. This part is what I have feared the most. It’s so easy in a way to just shut the door, pull the curtains, shove some big boxes in front of it… pull the blankets over your head, just look away!  But I want my soul to have peace so that I can experience true JOY the way that God has intended for me to!  I am so close I can taste it. God is saying to me that this is enough and it’s time to stop carrying these fears, this sadness, all the doubts and guilt! To lay it all at the Cross and that He will walk with me. I have to remember I am NOT on this journey alone! It’s time to LET GO AND LET GOD. As a good friend and spiritual leader in my life would say to me often. LET GO AND LET GOD DO HIS GOD THING! Candy Swain, you are a smart and wise women!

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The road ahead….

*Distinguishing a difference-  This month I am tackling a few things on my road to health, self-discovery and JOY on Purpose. One of the many troubles with having mental health issues is when your body starts to fail, it’s assumed that it’s your minds fault.  If your mind was right everything else would be too. I agree in part that our minds are incredible powerful and when we have unhealthy minds things can get messy with our bodies.  But what if my body is truly saying it needs help and the call is being ignored because it’s known I have mental health issues… so it must be that? Even I start think my mind is making my insides bleed… my mind is making my stomach hurt so badly. Is this possible? The doctors are very convincing to me too! It can make a person feel a little crazy!  It would just be nice to know the difference between what is really happening to my body and what is happening due to my mind.

*This week I start the process of MY BODY. I am going to the G.I doctor and this will begin this next part of my journey. If something is going on “really” inside me, they will find out. We will make a plan and handle it. I have every intention to continue what I have learned through meditation and yoga. I call on Grace and Mercy from God, that HE will clear a path for abundant LOVE, LIGHT and JOY and I surrender to HIM. I ask for God to block negative vibes and any forces that limit me from reaching HIS WILL for me.

*Next week is MY MIND, counseling. Next week is digging. I am going to start to prepare my mind, my soul for it now.  I am going to pray like IT’S A FULL TIME JOB! Because nothing has scared me more but also I know there is a light and weightlessness at the end of it all for me. It’s weird… I want to know the WHY but then I don’t. I want to know why does the pain return? How do I get it to NEVER come back? But I don’t want to hurt and I don’t want anyone else to either.

Here’s to owning this life You, LORD have given to me and not being ashamed of it, flaws and all. I trust in MY FAITH STATEMENT to YOU. I know YOU have my back. I will get through this and I will be the LIGHT in the DARK. I will SEVER the world with JOY as YOU see fit. I want to connected to LOVE and the world around me. YOU are GREATER than I. I understand that being angry and loud is not power, that it is GRACE AND MERCY YOU SEEK  for us and from us!  I will ALWAY return back to LOVE. YOU will ALWAY showed up for me. I am COMMITTING to live in the moment now! My JOY is NOW, my HAPPINESS is NOW, my LIFE is NOW! I WILL remember that it is LOVE that HEALS and it is LOVE that moves mountains! So I will NOT FEAR for YOU are with me, I will choose LOVE!

** May we remember to be forgiving and kind to those around us but also to ourselves. This place can be a rough one <3 <3