Surrender

 

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Oh the deep North! You are beautiful and peaceful. You have taught me to be still and stop waiting for what’s next and be present in what’s happening right now. I can hardly feel my toes, my fingers have gone numb and I am never going to keep up with all the snow removal it will take to keep my driveway clear. Obstacles you have put in front of me and challenges dear North you have presented but how very grateful I am to have met you. How much I have learned and still am. I am surrendering to this moment and taking it in because I know it’s only a moment and I’ll be gone again.

Deep breath. I look out the window and I can’t believe the stillness. The white blanket of untouched snow. Only the moon lights the streets. It’s 5:30 am and I am alone. I meditate and take in this moment. The snow is gently falling, and everything is perfectly still. I stretch my body out and take a deep breath in, slowly breathing out and I am thankful for this God time. I sit here awhile longer and just take it in. How very thankful I am. I know I am changing. I am not the same. I am new. I am have an amazing opportunity right now and I am incredible blessed. Obstacles and all.

I knew moving away from Colorado would be different. I didn’t know in what ways. I can say without any doubt this has been the scariest and most awesome gift God has laid on us for sure! I am a worrier, a controlling person and depression and anxiety is on my back all the time. I have always wanted to do “right” by everyone. There’s many obstacles I have faced being in a new place alone, I never thought one of them would be free thinking. When you make every decision based off of others, then one day you don’t, it’s like walking around naked! But it’s been a blessing. Obstacles being a blessing?  Yes, because it became an opportunity for me to heal, to gain my self-esteem and confidence back and to grow closer to God and forgive. My Obstacles have become my lessons.

Each small step forward clears a little of the darkness away.

I was a very busy person in Colorado. I felt “out of control”. I remember having horrible nightmares about it. I worked outside the house as a pre-k teacher and have 2 children of my own to care for. I ran a household, mostly alone and took care of everyone’s needs… everyones… even people who didn’t live with me. I kept myself going, going, going. I would be so wiped out and drained. My mood was awful. I felt like life was being sucked right out of me and everything was just hard! I wasn’t able to enjoy the moments in anything. I would try. I would try to stop my mind from jumping from one worry, to the next task, to the next responsibility….to the next… what was I talking about??? But then I would take on the frustration, mood, feelings, of my over worked, under appreciated husband. We were in a very unhealthy, uncomfortable, sad cycle. We didn’t see it until we weren’t in it anymore. But The North is giving us it’s share of lessons too!

Who looks outside, DREAMS. Who looks inside, AWAKES.

In Colorado I was lost in my expectations. I put them on my family and myself.  Unreachable expectations were placed on me, that only made me feel like I was drowning. I never met them. Even if I did manage to accomplish every task ahead of me, it was never good enough. I was in a cycle that I could never win or get a ahead of. Even in small moments of happiness, they were fleeting.

I was looking outside myself, to the WORLD to give me happiness. I was totally lost in what I “think” I needed to be and need to have. I was trying to control God’s timing. I know better. HE is not bound by time. What I needed really was to surrender my life and give all control over to GOD. I have done this before with my words but this time I needed soul shaking surrender. This time I would work on the inside, without distractions and surrender my plans and my goals to the care of GOD. I have no agenda other than to follow the spiritual guidance of the Universe and have totally faith in HIS plans for me, that are far greater than mine. I will let LOVE lead the way and let HIS WILL BE DONE over my life. I have to.

So as I take in the moment… I am grateful to be able to do just that, take in the moment and to not have guilt about it. I know that THIS right here, right now is what God has for me and I can not turn a blind eye to it. He wants me to see. I just need to open my eyes. I am still learning. I am learning to live with a heightened faith. I live knowing my life is being guided by a BIG GOD. Living this way, without judgement is freeing. I know this doesn’t mean my life will never have trouble. It will. I will. But I will stay in the flow of God’s LOVE and the higher good will direct my steps.

I am telling you, for someone with anxiety this isn’t the easiest thing to do. But I look at this like a relationship. Because it is just that! Every relationship takes work. That’s why, I meditate, I do yoga, I have my devotion time, I pray all the time, I network to find like minded friends to help be spiritual leaders in my life. I am doing all I can to take care of this body, mind and soul, to keep it healthy and joyful. I am working on this everyday.

It’s not the destination but the journey.

***If you had totally faith that your life was being guided, what difference would that make for you? This was one of my challenge questions. For me, it means to relax and breathe easy. I would be able to enjoy moments of my life fully without stress or worry. I know God only want the best for me so I would be able to let go and stop trying to control everything. I would feel more confident to do things I’ve never done before and possible failing wouldn’t feel like a life sentence. I would just know I am good. I am safe. I am loved.

So deep North, you have taught me and you have made me strong. You have given me confidence to know, I am smart and I am more than capable. I am the warmth, I am the fire, I am the mother who protects her family. YOU have pushed me points I didn’t know I could go and for that I say thank you. You have grown me in more ways than I can say. It will never matter ever again for me to hear the words ‘You can’t” because I already have!