That ugly word is JUDGMENT! That’s right! We all do it but we would never want to admit it. That’s what is done to us but we don’t do to others… oh no because that’s so wrong! Well, it is wrong but maybe not for the reason you thinking…
So I have mentioned before in my other blogs that I am reading the book The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. In this last chapter we talked about… you guessed it, THE UGLY J WORD… JUDGMENT! And I did not realize how judgement had been hurting me. And not just others judgements towards me but my judgments towards others. What she said was amazing to me! I mean I was mind blown… Basically, Judgments that’s we put out there are exactly what we are worried about being judged for! I really had to think about this for awhile. I actually reread this part a few times. Then I questioned it! What am worried about being judged for? What do I judge others for? After contemplating on this for awhile. I agreed and saw it. What we judge in others IS what you judge in yourself! Yes! Gabrielle Bernstein, I see it now!!!
I am so worry to point of needing anxiety meds because of the pressure, the heaviness, the weight of being what I think everyone expects me to be. I mean, I have alway thought they was a “right” way to grow up and become an adult. I feel like I have pretty much nailed it…not really! I graduated high school without having a baby… I got my education and married a great guy. We followed the booked and bought a house and then had a baby. We had good jobs and new cars… everything was looking up. Till one day it wasn’t. We lost it all…almost. Thank God we still had each other.
We could at this moment had learned a huge lesson and in part we did. We got right with our finances and although this process took years to do, we finally saved up a downpayment and…. drumroll please… bring in the judgement.… we bought another huge house! Because that’s what we think makes us the “right” type of grow ups! We want kids in these neighborhoods, in these houses, having these nice computers, these phones, toys, and in these activities. And as adults we needs the nicest newest cars, fancy watches, campers, boats, vacations for the family! If you’re doing it right then you are doing it this way!
I know this looks bad… I feel like a jerk… But Gabby says “Don’t judge yourself for your judgement, know we are all just looking for love.” And that’s it right there. My husband is a great guy and I love him so much! He too has the same crazy issue as me. We want to be excepted and loved. We wait for the “you guys are doing great!” or “you both have made a wonderful family.” We have never gotten that. We go over broad with this. Because in turn what has happened is this Judgement has separated us. It separates us for others and from love…from our connection to God! Gabby talks about this in her book much more deeply.
But what I realized after more thought was that I was looking at people through my fears and my past experiences. Things I didn’t want anyone to know, pressures that were placed upon me or I things had lived through and was scare of. For example maybe a family of 4 lives in a condo and ate fast food two or more nights a week. I would have thought…WOW! I would never! I am doing so much better by my kids. But LOOK at me! I am stressed out and lost! Who’s to say I am better than them or happier for that matter?? I am caught up in fear and I need to feel love and so badly want a way out of this feeling that I’ve got all my family trapped in it. I over did it with our house and filled with crap! This stuff WAS ALL IN THE HOPE IT WAS GOING TO KEEP OTHERS FROM JUDGING ME. In the end it was all a big lie anyway. I am not upset about the way others choose to live. I am upset by the way I choose to live.
So now what do I do. Judgement is our dirty EGO and it’s draining our happiness. But even worst I have had this very nasty habit now for so long that I am not 100% sure what it is that will make me happy anymore. Do I even want a house? Maybe I want a brownstone in the city where can walk everywhere? I just don’t know. We have to many TV’s… far to many couches and toys, clothes, and just junk. I am ready to let go. I did all this because of judgement. But now I am witnessing my judgment and I am asking forgiveness. I want to see LOVE in others and see the reflection of my LIGHT. I want to see people for the first time, nonjudgemental eyes, like looking threw a lens of LOVE. I don’t want to bring my baggage with me and put in on them.
So I forgive myself for my judgements. I’m letting go of them now. I am choose again and this time I choose LOVE.
Side note: Finding our happy place. My bunch of 4 plus 2 fur babies will be driving back to Colorado from Minnesota for Christmas this year. While on this road trip I thought it might be a good ideal to start brain storming on what happiness looks like for us as a family. No outside influences. Have you ever really thought about what would make you happy without worrying about others? It’s time!