Being happy… For Real. Part 1

I have read articles about amazing people that I’ve looked up to that just wake up one day and decide, today is the day! I am going to make the change today! I am going to eat right today, work out today, be more positive today, start my new routine of a better me for my family today… a healthier life… and they do it. It’s not a phase for them. It’s more than just “today” it’s the rest of their lives. I so envy this.

 We moved to Moorhead, MN with my kids and Jas about 9 months ago from Southeastern Colorado. My husband was giving an awesome career opportunity so after living our whole lives in Colorado, I left my job as a Preschool teacher, all my friends, my extended family, sold our house, pulled the kids out of school and his company moved us to Fargo, North Dakota. We lived in West Fargo for about 3 months while we looked at houses. We decided to buy a home in Minnesota. Side Note… If we could go back in time we would’ve stayed on the other side of the Red River in North Dakota…. for so many reasons but mostly because taxes are crazy high here! Anyway, this was a big step for us and it pulled my husband and I way, way out of our comfort zone! We are not risk takers at all. Don’t get me wrong, we tend to make a tons of mistakes! Sometimes making the same ones a few times over and over just so we can make sure that we F’d things up real good but still we never never take a risk that could be great because of the risk that it simply might not be.

This Kelly adventure was fun! I will admit I needed a change in my life. I had become a slave to the demands of my routine and being at my parents beck and call. I was looking forward to having a new life. A life that I could make mine, whatever I wanted it to be. I was so excited! I was so happy to be “just” a Mom again! I was going to be the best Mom ever! My parents were NOT going to be there to interfere and get into my head. They couldn’t make me question myself or worse get my kids to question me! People would know only what I wanted them to know. No more butt’in in and just show’in up at my house! These are my kids and I was so happy to reclaim my motherhood! My wifehood too! I could be a wife like I wanted to be. I had plans to cook awesome meals and be refreshed when Jas would get back in town because I wouldn’t be holding down the houses “alone”, the kids “alone”, and working outside the house full time! I wouldn’t have to be overwhelmed anymore! Life would be perfect! I couldn’t wait for my new life start! I had it all taken care of… in my head!

We were blessed to have Jas company pay for movers and packers! It made our move less stressful! We packed up our suit cases, our kids, our 2 dogs, snacks and waters and hit the road!…..

Wait, was it really that easy? Yes and no. I wanted to go. I wanted to run away at times! But I loved being a teacher and my co- workers were my best friends! WE HAD BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH TOGETHER!! I had worked at one school for 8 years and finally had enough and found my dream school with amazing people! I was leaving amazing people! My friends had been there through deaths, the birth of my kids, kids sent off to college, sickness, surgeries, heartbreaks, parties, happy hours, venting sessions, and so so many laughs! All the work I had put in! I am certified as a teacher in Colorado… no where else. Am I okay with that? Was all my hard work and years and years at the damn bottom of the totem pole for nothing now! Was everything I had busted my butt for all for nothing now? Am I okay “just” being a Mom? Trust me, I thought about this a lot during the process but it happened fast, 30 days to be exact.  I needed to be happy, up beat, positive, and most all confident. After all, I had all eyes on me! Everything was going to be perfect! Just perfect! Because I would make sure it was…no pressure… right!

My parents! God, can they make things difficult on me! I have been processed to conform to them, their needs and whatever else that pops up in their heads since I was child. They have had me so F’d up, I can’t make simple decision in my life because of fear of their judgement, interference, my mother retaliation and how they will effect my kids. I have pushed past a lot of my childhood junk and I love my parents to death but they have beat my confidence down! They just have taking me for granted for to long and for that I wanted to leave. I didn’t want to never see them again. They were important people in my life! I just wanted my confidence back. I wanted to think for myself. I wanted them to see what it’s like without me and my really awesome family doing everything for them… ya I know, that was pretty passive aggressive. Well… anyhow… I knew that true colors would show and show in a brilliant fashion there did!

My Mom has depended on me for everything. I am not her daughter in her eyes or at least I hasn’t felt that I am. I am “her” friend when she has no one else, I am “her” person to vent to when she is pissed at my Dad or one of my sisters. She tries to butter me up to get Jas to do work around her house while our house is falling apart! She can be user. She can also be the most giving person you have ever met but trust me the strings attached to her giving is not wroth it. But she is my Mom and I see things in her and know things about her that makes my heart melt and it makes me give into her crazy.

She was  an absolute mess… I don’t even know if I can accurately put it into word what happened when she found out we were moving. She text Jas and said some horrible, horrible, awful things to him, that still to this day make my blood pressure go up! She did her best to make my kids… mostly my son, Trist be scared and feel guilty to leave! She tried her best to sabotage the scariest and most awesome adventure of our life, when she could and should have been a supportive mother and Grandmother. She made it about her and she crossed line with my family. She was a wreck and wanted to get my family to hurt like she hurt. Selfish. It was hurtful. I know she wanted me to stay there for her own reasons but this wasn’t about her. I needed to go. My family needed to go! I needed to not to be “her” person anymore. It was draining me and our relationship. So much needed to change and this move was good for all of us. She didn’t see it that way and still doesn’t.

My Dad… well… I don’t know. He is really close my son. Trist is the first boy in our family and first grandchild. He was and is a really big deal to my Dad. They have a special bond together. I know he didn’t want Trist to leave him. That’s his buddy and Trist was sad to leave his Poppy. My heart hurt for my Dad and Trist too. I know that pain also. When Grandparents moved to North Carolina I was so hurt and scared. I thought I would die without them. I wanted to be able to see them whenever I needed to. I understood Trist wanting his breaks with his Poppy and time away from chores, school, and a crazy little sister. But my Dad would say one thing to me and something else to my Mom about this move. It just made things difficult. I know my mom is a piece of work too and he plays that game with her. Like talking about us not being financial able, not being able to be a full-time mother alone, one income, not having my extended family. All things I know a parent would be concerned about for their child and grandchildren but their concern was taken to another level. My Dad would make me feel like he knew we were doing what was best for our family and I was a strong capable person. Then he would talk to my Mom and they would make it sound like we have no sense at all and we aren’t looking out for out kids best interest, I can’t possible survive without them near by. So then I would get a call from my mom trying to give credibility to her rant by say “well even your Dad said…blah, blah, blah” I would just roll my eyes and blow it off but damn! I’m 37 years old! I’ve done well for myself! Does no one have any faith in me? Why? I am a good Mom and wife. I have followed the book to the T on what to do if you want to “look the part”.  This all just helped make the move easier for me.

When we walked out of their house after saying good-bye, I refused to cry but God I wanted to. I want to cry hard. My chest hurt with the pressure it took to hold those tears in. My eye filled with tears as I saw my kids crying their little hearts out and I saw my Dad sad eyes. He was filled with sadness and worry. It killed me. My Mom tried to be numb and carless but she was hurt. She was broken. Later I found out she had gone into a deep depression for weeks but we never spoke. I gave a fast hug and rushed everyone out the door. I had to get out of there. I wasn’t going to be able to hold it together for much longer and if I was going to break down it damn sure wasn’t going to be in front of a single person. Because everything was going to be fine and I was holding it together for everyone! I couldn’t break!

God. We can we be such assholes to each other. Tear each other to pieces at times. But we LOVE each to points that are truly unbreakable. I knew this move would change me. It was going to change all of us. I had no idea in what ways.